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2011's Top 5 International Newsmakers

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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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2011's Top 5 International Newsmakers

Kim Jong-un: The son of North Korea’s ruling despot was officially made the heir apparent after Kim Jong-il announced that he would be stepping down from office on his 1,000th birthday.
Vladimir Putin: Surged to frontrunner status for the Russian presidency after singlehandedly delivering live Siberian tiger cubs via emergency Caesarian section without aid of medical tools.
Osama bin Laden: Former leader of al-Qaeda whose death at the hands of Navy SEALs proved that if you make the U.S. your enemy, we will hunt you down, suspend a number of constitutional liberties, conduct two interminable wars, dig ourselves into a financial abyss, find you after nine and a half years, and kill you.
Muammar Qaddafi: Although the exact circumstances remain unclear, the once feared and all-powerful dictator of Libya was lamentably gunned down hours before his time.
Hosni Mubarak: As president of Egypt, Mubarak bravely upheld the Egypt-Israel Peace Treaty against the will of his own people, and also did everything else against the will of his own people.

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