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2011's Top 5 International Newsmakers

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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2011's Top 5 International Newsmakers

Kim Jong-un: The son of North Korea’s ruling despot was officially made the heir apparent after Kim Jong-il announced that he would be stepping down from office on his 1,000th birthday.
Vladimir Putin: Surged to frontrunner status for the Russian presidency after singlehandedly delivering live Siberian tiger cubs via emergency Caesarian section without aid of medical tools.
Osama bin Laden: Former leader of al-Qaeda whose death at the hands of Navy SEALs proved that if you make the U.S. your enemy, we will hunt you down, suspend a number of constitutional liberties, conduct two interminable wars, dig ourselves into a financial abyss, find you after nine and a half years, and kill you.
Muammar Qaddafi: Although the exact circumstances remain unclear, the once feared and all-powerful dictator of Libya was lamentably gunned down hours before his time.
Hosni Mubarak: As president of Egypt, Mubarak bravely upheld the Egypt-Israel Peace Treaty against the will of his own people, and also did everything else against the will of his own people.

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