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2014 World Cup Final Preview

With the World Cup final between Germany and Argentina set to kick off on Sunday, Onion Sports previews the biggest and most popular sporting event on the planet.
The World Cup Final By The Numbers
  • The match will be broadcast in more than 157 countries and 2 languages.
  • Due to the time difference, the final’s local 4:00 p.m. start will be at 2:00 a.m. in Germany on August 19.
  • More than 30 million totally uninformed conversations about whether Lionel Messi is the best player of all time will take place on Sunday.
  • An average of 1 in every 11 players on the pitch will be a goalie.
  • There will be more than 49 million yellow cards awarded by members of the worldwide viewing audience.
  • Argentina star Lionel Messi is contractually obligated by Pepsi to score at least 2 goals in the final.
  • Approximately 23 percent of young soccer players who aspire to someday play in the World Cup final will eventually do so.
  • Over the course of the match, the average player will run 9.8 km, the equivalent of roughly 9,800 meters.
  • The highly anticipated event is expected to generate more than $200 million in bribes for FIFA officials.
  • It will take exactly 17 minutes and 39 seconds for fans to realize the match will in no way live up to its hype.
Germany Players To Watch
Thomas Müller: The new, weird-looking face of German soccer

Manuel Neuer: Neuer will be looking to bounce back after being the only German player not to register a goal against Brazil in the semifinal

Miroslav Klose: At 36 years old, Klose will have to run purely on adrenaline to get through the last 80 or so minutes of the match

Philipp Lahm: Arguably the best holding midfielder in the world, Lahm will undoubtedly be one of the 11 most dangerous players on the field for Germany
Argentina Players To Watch
Lionel Messi: Based on his YouTube highlights, expect Messi to dribble through the entire German team and score a goal every time he gets the ball

Javier Mascherano: Mascherano will need to be incredibly disciplined while marking the blurry German players coming in and out of focus in front of him

Sergio Agüero: The 26-year-old forward demonstrates amazing balance and poise whenever being carted off the field

Ángel di María: He’s not Lionel Messi, so he isn’t important
Keys to the Matchup: Germany
  • Argentina defeated Germany in the World Cup in 1986, but Germany responded in kind four years later, and none of this is relevant because both of those games took place over two fucking decades ago
  • Throw off Argentina’s defenders by having every player, coach, and fan in the stadium fake a shot and run over the ball before a free kick
  • Goalkeeper Manuel Neuer will need to be strong and composed if he is to stop Lionel Messi from entering the field of play
  • Counter Argentina’s counterattacks with quick counterattacks
  • Manager Joachim Löw can motivate his players by showing them inspirational German film Der Krieger Und Die Kaiserin before the match
  • Defenders must tightly mark Argentina players jockeying for position to get a better view of Messi dribbling the ball
  • If it comes down to penalty kicks, players must remember to stand in the middle of the field with their arms around one another
  • The narrative of Messi winning the World Cup and being recognized as the greatest soccer player ever would be so perfect, so c’mon, don’t ruin that for everyone
Keys to the Matchup: Argentina
  • Pass the ball to Lionel Messi
  • Win or lose, remember: You get to leave Brazil when this is over
  • Argentina will score a goal if they complete this exact passing movement: Zabaleta to Rojo to Mascherano to Higuaín to Messi to Lavezzi back to Messi
  • As captain, Messi can inspire his teammates by continuing to not say a single word on the field
  • Frustrate Germany’s defense with plenty of one-touch dives
  • Speed up the pace of the game, as Germany’s players are sure to have tired legs from scoring so much against Brazil
  • Keep in mind that ESPN already has the headlines “Magic Messi,” “Messi-ah,” and “A Messi Situation” ready to go for after the final whistle
  • Just hope to God this doesn’t pan out the way everyone expects it to
Tactical Breakdown: Germany
These are the tactics Germany must employ in order to win.
Tactical Breakdown: Argentina
These are the tactics Argentina must employ in order to win.
OSN’s Prediction
Brazil 4-3 Argentina: Despite some minor complications in the semifinal round, FIFA will come through and deliver the exciting World Cup final that fans have been hoping for.
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