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2014 World Cup Final Preview

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NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Strongside/Weakside: Jose Mourinho

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Having won titles in Spain, England, Italy, and Portugal, manager Jose Mourinho has cemented himself as one of the most successful megalomaniacs in soccer. Is he any good?

Highlights From NFL Training Camp

With preseason games underway and preparations intensifying across the league, the NFL has had no shortage of stories to keep fans occupied before the new season kicks off. Onion Sports breaks down the biggest moments from this summer’s training camp.
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    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

Holidays

2014 World Cup Final Preview

With the World Cup final between Germany and Argentina set to kick off on Sunday, Onion Sports previews the biggest and most popular sporting event on the planet.
The World Cup Final By The Numbers
  • The match will be broadcast in more than 157 countries and 2 languages.
  • Due to the time difference, the final’s local 4:00 p.m. start will be at 2:00 a.m. in Germany on August 19.
  • More than 30 million totally uninformed conversations about whether Lionel Messi is the best player of all time will take place on Sunday.
  • An average of 1 in every 11 players on the pitch will be a goalie.
  • There will be more than 49 million yellow cards awarded by members of the worldwide viewing audience.
  • Argentina star Lionel Messi is contractually obligated by Pepsi to score at least 2 goals in the final.
  • Approximately 23 percent of young soccer players who aspire to someday play in the World Cup final will eventually do so.
  • Over the course of the match, the average player will run 9.8 km, the equivalent of roughly 9,800 meters.
  • The highly anticipated event is expected to generate more than $200 million in bribes for FIFA officials.
  • It will take exactly 17 minutes and 39 seconds for fans to realize the match will in no way live up to its hype.
Germany Players To Watch
Thomas Müller: The new, weird-looking face of German soccer

Manuel Neuer: Neuer will be looking to bounce back after being the only German player not to register a goal against Brazil in the semifinal

Miroslav Klose: At 36 years old, Klose will have to run purely on adrenaline to get through the last 80 or so minutes of the match

Philipp Lahm: Arguably the best holding midfielder in the world, Lahm will undoubtedly be one of the 11 most dangerous players on the field for Germany
Argentina Players To Watch
Lionel Messi: Based on his YouTube highlights, expect Messi to dribble through the entire German team and score a goal every time he gets the ball

Javier Mascherano: Mascherano will need to be incredibly disciplined while marking the blurry German players coming in and out of focus in front of him

Sergio Agüero: The 26-year-old forward demonstrates amazing balance and poise whenever being carted off the field

Ángel di María: He’s not Lionel Messi, so he isn’t important
Keys to the Matchup: Germany
  • Argentina defeated Germany in the World Cup in 1986, but Germany responded in kind four years later, and none of this is relevant because both of those games took place over two fucking decades ago
  • Throw off Argentina’s defenders by having every player, coach, and fan in the stadium fake a shot and run over the ball before a free kick
  • Goalkeeper Manuel Neuer will need to be strong and composed if he is to stop Lionel Messi from entering the field of play
  • Counter Argentina’s counterattacks with quick counterattacks
  • Manager Joachim Löw can motivate his players by showing them inspirational German film Der Krieger Und Die Kaiserin before the match
  • Defenders must tightly mark Argentina players jockeying for position to get a better view of Messi dribbling the ball
  • If it comes down to penalty kicks, players must remember to stand in the middle of the field with their arms around one another
  • The narrative of Messi winning the World Cup and being recognized as the greatest soccer player ever would be so perfect, so c’mon, don’t ruin that for everyone
Keys to the Matchup: Argentina
  • Pass the ball to Lionel Messi
  • Win or lose, remember: You get to leave Brazil when this is over
  • Argentina will score a goal if they complete this exact passing movement: Zabaleta to Rojo to Mascherano to Higuaín to Messi to Lavezzi back to Messi
  • As captain, Messi can inspire his teammates by continuing to not say a single word on the field
  • Frustrate Germany’s defense with plenty of one-touch dives
  • Speed up the pace of the game, as Germany’s players are sure to have tired legs from scoring so much against Brazil
  • Keep in mind that ESPN already has the headlines “Magic Messi,” “Messi-ah,” and “A Messi Situation” ready to go for after the final whistle
  • Just hope to God this doesn’t pan out the way everyone expects it to
Tactical Breakdown: Germany
These are the tactics Germany must employ in order to win.
Tactical Breakdown: Argentina
These are the tactics Argentina must employ in order to win.
OSN’s Prediction
Brazil 4-3 Argentina: Despite some minor complications in the semifinal round, FIFA will come through and deliver the exciting World Cup final that fans have been hoping for.

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