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22.7 Million Pixels Of Raw Slideshow Power

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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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22.7 Million Pixels Of Raw Slideshow Power

Well, howdy there. I see you’ve got your eye on this little slideshow here. She’s a beaut, isn’t she? Seamless interface, highly responsive, and not to mention 22.7 million pixels of raw slideshow power. Hey, what do you say we take this bad boy for a spin?
Whoa! Got a little pep to her, don’t she? As you’ve seen, the controls are pretty intuitive. Right arrow moves ’er forward, left arrow takes ’er back. Why don’t you hit that right arrow again and really get this kitten purring?
The specs on this little beauty are truly impressive. Captions come standard. Fully shareable on social media. That little counter on the bottom right lets you know your progress. And notice how the arrows turn gray when you move your cursor over them? That’s new; the older models didn’t have that. Pretty slick, right?
And, of course, these slideshows come absolutely loaded with pixels. This particular version tops out at over 2 million per slide, if you can believe that. Why don’t you take a look for a moment and really soak in that resolution? Go ahead, have a look. That’s precision slideshow engineering right there.
Now, I know these high-res images may not be all that impressive when you’ve just got a plain white background to stare at, but how about we crank things into high gear? Hit that right arrow again and don’t be shy—let’s really open her up!
Now we’re talking! Bet you’ve never had a slideshow that did that before, did you? And that’s just the start! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to give her another rip.
Feel that? That’s the web browser pulling the image asset from the CDN server—that’s pure Akamai power. Slideshow gearheads love all that technical mumbo jumbo, but all that matters is that it makes for the smoothest image transitions you’ll find anywhere, guaranteed. Say, you keep navigating this baby like you’re doing and you’ll be flying through slides like a pro in no time.
You know, with these newer models, the sky’s the limit in terms of images. Adorable dogs, the week in pictures—heck, I’ve even seen TV legend Alan Alda on here. This is some mighty impressive technology we’re working with here.
By the way, you may notice that the captions will generally correspond with the image to provide explanation or elaboration. This, for example, is a photo of a quilt. Don’t be afraid to rely on the caption. That’s what it’s there for.
Not bad, huh? Sure beats the heck out of any boring ol’ string of images that takes forever to scroll through, that’s for darn sure. Well, buddy, it looks like we’ve reached the end of this here road, so how ’bout we close up shop and call it a day? I hope you enjoyed yourself; these slideshows can be a whole hell of a lot of fun. And if you ever want to take this one for a ride again, you know where to find me.

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