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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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22.7 Million Pixels Of Raw Slideshow Power

Well, howdy there. I see you’ve got your eye on this little slideshow here. She’s a beaut, isn’t she? Seamless interface, highly responsive, and not to mention 22.7 million pixels of raw slideshow power. Hey, what do you say we take this bad boy for a spin?
Whoa! Got a little pep to her, don’t she? As you’ve seen, the controls are pretty intuitive. Right arrow moves ’er forward, left arrow takes ’er back. Why don’t you hit that right arrow again and really get this kitten purring?
The specs on this little beauty are truly impressive. Captions come standard. Fully shareable on social media. That little counter on the bottom right lets you know your progress. And notice how the arrows turn gray when you move your cursor over them? That’s new; the older models didn’t have that. Pretty slick, right?
And, of course, these slideshows come absolutely loaded with pixels. This particular version tops out at over 2 million per slide, if you can believe that. Why don’t you take a look for a moment and really soak in that resolution? Go ahead, have a look. That’s precision slideshow engineering right there.
Now, I know these high-res images may not be all that impressive when you’ve just got a plain white background to stare at, but how about we crank things into high gear? Hit that right arrow again and don’t be shy—let’s really open her up!
Now we’re talking! Bet you’ve never had a slideshow that did that before, did you? And that’s just the start! I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to give her another rip.
Feel that? That’s the web browser pulling the image asset from the CDN server—that’s pure Akamai power. Slideshow gearheads love all that technical mumbo jumbo, but all that matters is that it makes for the smoothest image transitions you’ll find anywhere, guaranteed. Say, you keep navigating this baby like you’re doing and you’ll be flying through slides like a pro in no time.
You know, with these newer models, the sky’s the limit in terms of images. Adorable dogs, the week in pictures—heck, I’ve even seen TV legend Alan Alda on here. This is some mighty impressive technology we’re working with here.
By the way, you may notice that the captions will generally correspond with the image to provide explanation or elaboration. This, for example, is a photo of a quilt. Don’t be afraid to rely on the caption. That’s what it’s there for.
Not bad, huh? Sure beats the heck out of any boring ol’ string of images that takes forever to scroll through, that’s for darn sure. Well, buddy, it looks like we’ve reached the end of this here road, so how ’bout we close up shop and call it a day? I hope you enjoyed yourself; these slideshows can be a whole hell of a lot of fun. And if you ever want to take this one for a ride again, you know where to find me.

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