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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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3 Dogs; 2 Clever Backyard Projects; 4 Candy Bars You Forgot Existed; A Woman Drowning; 2 80s Hairstyles We Loved and 30 Entrepreneurs Under 30

A dog
A dog
A dog
A backyard project
A backyard project
A candy bar you forgot existed
A candy bar you forgot existed
A candy bar you forgot existed
A candy bar you forgot existed
A woman drowning
An 80s hairstyle we loved
An 80s hairstyle we loved
Benjamin Waller, 29, Geoffrey-Halvin Consulting
Peter Stein, 26, Horner Inc.
Ryan Meadows, 26, Jabbertrunk
Steve Weinbach, 27, ScootTrends.Com
Billy Harris, 24, The International Outreach Project
Todd Trul, 29, The Ptolemy Group
Mike Weibel, 24, Tinley Capital
Richard Bay, 28, TransCom
Alexei Zelenev, 29, Britebox
Baron Wright, 27, Inslider.com
Alexis Liston, 26, Streetlight Productions
Maya Viavant, 28, Halvner Co.
Katie Driscoll, 29, Signature Links
Blake H. Koski, 28, Verbslinger Educational Software
Shauna Young, 27, Prismatic Ventures
Wyatt Hudson, 22, Shonpal Games
Chelsea Beacham, 29, Beacham Botanicals
Eli Givens, 24, Alvidia Inc.
Michael Nguyen, 29, Extended Software
David Karp, 24, Tumblr
Oswaldo Garcia, 28, Rivera Learning Centers
James Moorehead, 28, The Hourglass Club
Joe Berger, 28, Infinity Travelers
Peter Weston, 27. Soundboard Ventures
Preston Brown, 29, Helix
Jake Meyers, 28, Meyers Farms
Derrick Garland, 25, 12-Point Industries
Jesse Greenstreet, 24, Greenstreet Analysis
Chris Lee, 29, SabreFire
Geoffery Lavine, 22, Pr1sm Online
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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