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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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53 Worst Current Buffalo Bills Players

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Ugh
Oof
Yuck
Garbage
Nauseating
We can't decide if this guy sucks or blows
Poor Bills fans
Shitastrophe
Godawful
Atrocious
Horrifying
You're going to need to shower after viewing this slideshow
Appalling
Are your eyes burning, too?
Wait, now this guy is actually not very good either
Mere words can't describe how bad you are
Gross
Yikes
Makes Lee Smith look like Scott Chandler
Come on
No idea who this guy is, but he looks like a dope
Fucking disgusting
Who?
He ought to be ashamed of himself
A Bill most foul
Poison
More like Doug Le-Worst-sky
How many more of these pieces of shit are left?
Pitiful
Pathetic
Lousy
Useless
Complete embarrassment
Miserable excuse for a player
Defective
Perennial loser
Worst player you'll ever see
This sack of shit actually gets paid to play football
You'd never want this guy suiting up for your team
An affront to all football fans
Actually one of the better running backs in the NFL, but plays for the Bills, so fuck him
Better off with an open roster spot
Definitely should be cut
How is he in the NFL?
Waste of money
Really bringing the team down
Total burden on the roster
Worthless
Has a pathetic 41.7 Onion Sports Career Player Rating
Fucking nobody
Another nobody
A bigger nobody
His family should be ashamed

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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