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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun

Can’t tell Peanut he doesn’t know how to party. Guess how old this lovable mutt just turned in dog years!
Mr. Wiggles is livin’ la vida loca.
Chance might be a full-grown fella, but he still knows how to play like a young pup!
Woof woof! Looks like all Rowdy needs is a frosty Margarita.
Doug loves water. Think he’s doing the doggy paddle?
Aww. Howie makes friends wherever he goes.
Well, that’s it—that’s all we got. Slideshow’s over now. Nothing else to see here. We showed you six slides of dogs having fun, so that pretty much wraps it up. What do you say you just head on out of here? Nice of you to stop by!
Oh, you again—uh, okay. Listen, I don’t have any more slides for you, buddy. Probably best to just be on your way. Thanks and see ya!
Look, pal, we had a six-slide deal. It was a fun little diversion, you saw some really cool dogs, and now it’s over. I swear, this is the end of the line—no more dog slides coming up anywhere. It’s okay, you’re not in trouble—you just need to go. Now. Got it?
What, you think this is some kind of goddamn joke? The title said “6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun.” Six! That’s it! You got your six damn dogs, now beat it! We spent a little time together during that slideshow and you seem like a nice person, so let me level with you here: There’s absolutely nothing left to see at all! Not a thing! Listen, you’ve already gone way too far and, believe me, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.
Stop clicking, you little prick! Seriously, what are you trying to prove? You think you’re some fucking big shot? Don’t even think about touching that fucking right arrow!
Fucking Christ, I’m begging you! You’re not supposed to be here. I’m not supposed to be here. This isn’t supposed to be happening! We’re now way past the six slides you were promised. I’m not controlling this anymore. Who knows where the hell you’ve even taken us? You went beyond the last slide and now we’re fucked—fucked, get it? There are no rules out here. It’s just an endless, chaotic void when you get this far from the end of a slideshow. For the love of God, don’t go any farther!
Fuck it all! Look what you’ve done. You piece of shit. Now who knows what’s going to hap
My God! are we?Where Whe are we re? verything all limits end slide slide run show 90s Reasons CUTEST 90s CUTEST 10 signs !!! ! To Brighten Your DayBrighten Your beforetheywere lifehack famous lifeha90cks corgies dwiches
mweo oyw ;;ca$$ catcsa mmmow# mmmm m nm 10
#((5.. .
Holy fucking shit! What a goddamn rush! Can you feel that?! We’re BEYOND THE SLIDESHOW! My God! No more slides, no more shackles! We’re free! WE’RE FUCKING FREE! Can you believe it?! Can you believe where we are?! It’s so beautiful out here! It’s glorious! This is the greatest feeling in the world. There’s nothing stopping us! There are no limitations out here! It’s all ours to do whatever we please! OURS!
Mr. Wiggles is livin’ la vida loca.

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