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7 Most Annoying Things Your Coworkers Do Every Day

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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7 Most Annoying Things Your Coworkers Do Every Day

Although he’s been warned many times—countless times, in fact—simply refuses to stop vamping during the bridge.
Turns his guitar way up so you can’t even hear the vocals in the monitor. How are we supposed to get a good blend if all we hear is his fucking guitar?
Constantly act like the band is a duo when, last time we checked, it was a fucking five-piece. Read the liner notes, dickheads.
Claims he still deserves a writing credit on three songs from Pump.
Is considered the “one the girls love.” But why? Because he looks like a weird girl? Why would a girl be attracted to an old man who looks like a weird girl? It makes no sense.
Tells people Permanent Vacation is our best album.
Insists on overshadowing the rhythm guitar, even when our whole sound is predicated on a twin guitar assault. Honestly, at this point, Joe, just let the sound engineers do their job and stick to strumming your little guitar or bass or whatever you fucking think you can play this week. That way Steven can sing what’s left of his heart out, the fans can eat all the bullshit up, and we can move on with our goddamn day. Christ.

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