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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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7 Most Annoying Things Your Coworkers Do Every Day

Although he’s been warned many times—countless times, in fact—simply refuses to stop vamping during the bridge.
Turns his guitar way up so you can’t even hear the vocals in the monitor. How are we supposed to get a good blend if all we hear is his fucking guitar?
Constantly act like the band is a duo when, last time we checked, it was a fucking five-piece. Read the liner notes, dickheads.
Claims he still deserves a writing credit on three songs from Pump.
Is considered the “one the girls love.” But why? Because he looks like a weird girl? Why would a girl be attracted to an old man who looks like a weird girl? It makes no sense.
Tells people Permanent Vacation is our best album.
Insists on overshadowing the rhythm guitar, even when our whole sound is predicated on a twin guitar assault. Honestly, at this point, Joe, just let the sound engineers do their job and stick to strumming your little guitar or bass or whatever you fucking think you can play this week. That way Steven can sing what’s left of his heart out, the fans can eat all the bullshit up, and we can move on with our goddamn day. Christ.

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