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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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7 Most Annoying Things Your Coworkers Do Every Day

Although he’s been warned many times—countless times, in fact—simply refuses to stop vamping during the bridge.
Turns his guitar way up so you can’t even hear the vocals in the monitor. How are we supposed to get a good blend if all we hear is his fucking guitar?
Constantly act like the band is a duo when, last time we checked, it was a fucking five-piece. Read the liner notes, dickheads.
Claims he still deserves a writing credit on three songs from Pump.
Is considered the “one the girls love.” But why? Because he looks like a weird girl? Why would a girl be attracted to an old man who looks like a weird girl? It makes no sense.
Tells people Permanent Vacation is our best album.
Insists on overshadowing the rhythm guitar, even when our whole sound is predicated on a twin guitar assault. Honestly, at this point, Joe, just let the sound engineers do their job and stick to strumming your little guitar or bass or whatever you fucking think you can play this week. That way Steven can sing what’s left of his heart out, the fans can eat all the bullshit up, and we can move on with our goddamn day. Christ.
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