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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die

As soon as you die, you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue. You can get an autopsy if you need it, but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of other corpses until you’re identified.
You absolutely HAVE to stop by the coroner’s table...it’s the perfect place to be poked by sharp metal objects while possibly releasing the last shreds of waste from your bowels! Don’t even think about leaving without getting yourself a death certificate.
You should DEFINITELY make a stop at a funeral home. We recommend getting the full embalming process (embalming fluid injected into your arteries, all major organs, the whole nine yards), but the mortician will know what’s best for you.
Take it from us, when you’re dead you’re going to want to get around in a hearse! There’s practically no other way to go!
Doesn’t matter if you died old or young, you just HAVE to take a few hours to go to your funeral. Open casket, closed casket...either way! Your friends and family members might even show up.
Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra—all the greats went six feet under after they died...trust us, you don’t want to be the one to miss out on slowly decomposing in a dark hole. It’s a MUST.
Of course, if you’re on a budget, you can always go for something like this instead!
And no matter what, you GOTTA check this out for all eternity.

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