adBlockCheck

Recent News

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
End Of Section
  • More News

7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die

Advertisement
As soon as you die, you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue. You can get an autopsy if you need it, but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of other corpses until you’re identified.
You absolutely HAVE to stop by the coroner’s table...it’s the perfect place to be poked by sharp metal objects while possibly releasing the last shreds of waste from your bowels! Don’t even think about leaving without getting yourself a death certificate.
You should DEFINITELY make a stop at a funeral home. We recommend getting the full embalming process (embalming fluid injected into your arteries, all major organs, the whole nine yards), but the mortician will know what’s best for you.
Take it from us, when you’re dead you’re going to want to get around in a hearse! There’s practically no other way to go!
Doesn’t matter if you died old or young, you just HAVE to take a few hours to go to your funeral. Open casket, closed casket...either way! Your friends and family members might even show up.
Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra—all the greats went six feet under after they died...trust us, you don’t want to be the one to miss out on slowly decomposing in a dark hole. It’s a MUST.
Of course, if you’re on a budget, you can always go for something like this instead!
And no matter what, you GOTTA check this out for all eternity.

More from this section

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close