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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die

As soon as you die, you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue. You can get an autopsy if you need it, but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of other corpses until you’re identified.
You absolutely HAVE to stop by the coroner’s table...it’s the perfect place to be poked by sharp metal objects while possibly releasing the last shreds of waste from your bowels! Don’t even think about leaving without getting yourself a death certificate.
You should DEFINITELY make a stop at a funeral home. We recommend getting the full embalming process (embalming fluid injected into your arteries, all major organs, the whole nine yards), but the mortician will know what’s best for you.
Take it from us, when you’re dead you’re going to want to get around in a hearse! There’s practically no other way to go!
Doesn’t matter if you died old or young, you just HAVE to take a few hours to go to your funeral. Open casket, closed casket...either way! Your friends and family members might even show up.
Elvis Presley, Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra—all the greats went six feet under after they died...trust us, you don’t want to be the one to miss out on slowly decomposing in a dark hole. It’s a MUST.
Of course, if you’re on a budget, you can always go for something like this instead!
And no matter what, you GOTTA check this out for all eternity.

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