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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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8 Of The Hottest Celebs Without Their Flesh

Dermal papillae, schmermal papillae—Mila Kunis doesn’t need an epidermis to turn heads. This perennial sex kitten sizzles in this casual, flesh-free look.
K-Stew, is that you? This stunning screen siren looks more pooped than perky without her trademark subcutaneous tissue and dermis. Kristen nails it when she gets dolled up, but without her mucus membranes and malar pads, this bombshell beauty made a major faux pas.
Explain to us how this Latina starlet looks better without her flesh. Un. Fair. Eva Mendes dazzles in nothing but bone and cardiac muscle. Mix those genes with some Gosling, and we can’t wait to see the dermis on that baby.
If this is what 34 and pregnant looks like, we can’t hardly wait to see how this fabulous former teen heartthrob looks when she hits the big 4-0! Even in nothing but her skeletal striated muscles, you can’t deny Jennifer Love Hewitt’s a timeless beauty.
Even Hollywood’s most fit and fabulous stars opt to go without skin every once in a while! Case in point: Beyoncé and Jay Z, fresh-faced and fleshless in Brooklyn.
Proud papa Liev Schrieber teaching his son that real men are comfortable skinless.
At 78 years old, wearing skin isn’t something Dame Dench worries about anymore.

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