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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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8 Of The Hottest Celebs Without Their Flesh

Dermal papillae, schmermal papillae—Mila Kunis doesn’t need an epidermis to turn heads. This perennial sex kitten sizzles in this casual, flesh-free look.
K-Stew, is that you? This stunning screen siren looks more pooped than perky without her trademark subcutaneous tissue and dermis. Kristen nails it when she gets dolled up, but without her mucus membranes and malar pads, this bombshell beauty made a major faux pas.
Explain to us how this Latina starlet looks better without her flesh. Un. Fair. Eva Mendes dazzles in nothing but bone and cardiac muscle. Mix those genes with some Gosling, and we can’t wait to see the dermis on that baby.
If this is what 34 and pregnant looks like, we can’t hardly wait to see how this fabulous former teen heartthrob looks when she hits the big 4-0! Even in nothing but her skeletal striated muscles, you can’t deny Jennifer Love Hewitt’s a timeless beauty.
Even Hollywood’s most fit and fabulous stars opt to go without skin every once in a while! Case in point: Beyoncé and Jay Z, fresh-faced and fleshless in Brooklyn.
Proud papa Liev Schrieber teaching his son that real men are comfortable skinless.
At 78 years old, wearing skin isn’t something Dame Dench worries about anymore.

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