adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image

Kicking back on the couch sure beats a day at the office! Perhaps, though, that’s just you projecting your own views and desires on this individual. If you actually delved deeper you might not be so eager to take on the bleak and growing distance between this man and his family and the haunting sense of regret that he never took any chances in his life.
This kid doesn’t have a care in the world. She’s got summer camp, good friends, and no bills to worry about, unlike you. She’s also two steps away from a debilitating eating disorder. Her co-campers make fun of her because she hasn’t developed breasts yet, and she has no one, literally no one, to turn to for help.
This woman is enjoying a long massage, then maybe she’ll sip a complimentary glass of wine, then eat a chocolate-covered strawberry or two, then just collapse in tears from the overwhelming emotional weight of watching a parent slip into dementia.
This is the life, isn't it? A cool drink, relaxing oceanside—perfection. But maybe it’s wise to take a step back and actually put yourselves in his shoes. Did you know he has hepatitis? Did you know he gave his partner hepatitis? It really makes you reassess the situation.
Aww, what would you give to spend your day with this adorable pooch? Would you give your kids? This woman just lost her sons in a long, bitter custody battle.
This man's IQ is 58 and he’s unable to use the bathroom without assistance, but boy, does that big cone of ice cream look good!
Get a load of this gurgling baby. Each of the infant’s needs are met, and she is undoubtedly sated and content. Sure beats your sorry-ass day—right? Not so fast. Comparing two subjective experiences is a fool’s errand, and never more than now: The baby that you’re looking at is dead. She died of SIDS nine years ago, and even as you read this, her small, fragile remains lie under six feet of earth.
We all wear masks, constantly performing versions of ourselves, presenting our best face to the world. Sure, this woman looks like she’s enjoying her hammock, but would you envy her if you knew she was coping with less-than-stellar third-quarter profit margins? Maybe. Her life’s pretty great, actually. That’s about the worst thing going on with her.

More from this section

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close