adBlockCheck

Recent News

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
End Of Section
  • More News

8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image

Kicking back on the couch sure beats a day at the office! Perhaps, though, that’s just you projecting your own views and desires on this individual. If you actually delved deeper you might not be so eager to take on the bleak and growing distance between this man and his family and the haunting sense of regret that he never took any chances in his life.
This kid doesn’t have a care in the world. She’s got summer camp, good friends, and no bills to worry about, unlike you. She’s also two steps away from a debilitating eating disorder. Her co-campers make fun of her because she hasn’t developed breasts yet, and she has no one, literally no one, to turn to for help.
This woman is enjoying a long massage, then maybe she’ll sip a complimentary glass of wine, then eat a chocolate-covered strawberry or two, then just collapse in tears from the overwhelming emotional weight of watching a parent slip into dementia.
This is the life, isn't it? A cool drink, relaxing oceanside—perfection. But maybe it’s wise to take a step back and actually put yourselves in his shoes. Did you know he has hepatitis? Did you know he gave his partner hepatitis? It really makes you reassess the situation.
Aww, what would you give to spend your day with this adorable pooch? Would you give your kids? This woman just lost her sons in a long, bitter custody battle.
This man's IQ is 58 and he’s unable to use the bathroom without assistance, but boy, does that big cone of ice cream look good!
Get a load of this gurgling baby. Each of the infant’s needs are met, and she is undoubtedly sated and content. Sure beats your sorry-ass day—right? Not so fast. Comparing two subjective experiences is a fool’s errand, and never more than now: The baby that you’re looking at is dead. She died of SIDS nine years ago, and even as you read this, her small, fragile remains lie under six feet of earth.
We all wear masks, constantly performing versions of ourselves, presenting our best face to the world. Sure, this woman looks like she’s enjoying her hammock, but would you envy her if you knew she was coping with less-than-stellar third-quarter profit margins? Maybe. Her life’s pretty great, actually. That’s about the worst thing going on with her.
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close