8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

    ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Partying

8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image

Kicking back on the couch sure beats a day at the office! Perhaps, though, that’s just you projecting your own views and desires on this individual. If you actually delved deeper you might not be so eager to take on the bleak and growing distance between this man and his family and the haunting sense of regret that he never took any chances in his life.
This kid doesn’t have a care in the world. She’s got summer camp, good friends, and no bills to worry about, unlike you. She’s also two steps away from a debilitating eating disorder. Her co-campers make fun of her because she hasn’t developed breasts yet, and she has no one, literally no one, to turn to for help.
This woman is enjoying a long massage, then maybe she’ll sip a complimentary glass of wine, then eat a chocolate-covered strawberry or two, then just collapse in tears from the overwhelming emotional weight of watching a parent slip into dementia.
This is the life, isn't it? A cool drink, relaxing oceanside—perfection. But maybe it’s wise to take a step back and actually put yourselves in his shoes. Did you know he has hepatitis? Did you know he gave his partner hepatitis? It really makes you reassess the situation.
Aww, what would you give to spend your day with this adorable pooch? Would you give your kids? This woman just lost her sons in a long, bitter custody battle.
This man's IQ is 58 and he’s unable to use the bathroom without assistance, but boy, does that big cone of ice cream look good!
Get a load of this gurgling baby. Each of the infant’s needs are met, and she is undoubtedly sated and content. Sure beats your sorry-ass day—right? Not so fast. Comparing two subjective experiences is a fool’s errand, and never more than now: The baby that you’re looking at is dead. She died of SIDS nine years ago, and even as you read this, her small, fragile remains lie under six feet of earth.
We all wear masks, constantly performing versions of ourselves, presenting our best face to the world. Sure, this woman looks like she’s enjoying her hammock, but would you envy her if you knew she was coping with less-than-stellar third-quarter profit margins? Maybe. Her life’s pretty great, actually. That’s about the worst thing going on with her.
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