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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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8 Photos Of You, The Reader

This is you.
You think you’re special? You think you matter? You’re fucking dirt and that’s all you’ll ever be.
“Oh, I’m just going to click through this slideshow like every other person because I do whatever I’m told and I can’t think for myself. Maybe I’ll follow all the other cows up this slaughterhouse ramp.” You fucking idiot.
This is what you are to us. Just a goddamn number to plug into a spreadsheet—nothing more, nothing less.
How does it feel to finally see yourself like everyone else sees you? Hideous, forsaken, and detested.
Here, again, is you. A big, stupid dummy being jerked around on strings by all those who seek to manipulate you, including us.
It’s very hard to see you in this photo. Why? Because in the grand of scheme of things, you are nothing but a tiny, pitiful, insignificant speck in the cosmos.
This is you, soon enough. No one will notice when you’re gone.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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