adBlockCheck

8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back

Top Headlines

Recent News

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Surprises

  • Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

    DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Originality

8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back

Music shall sound from on high across the land, as His chosen, gathered from the four winds, greet Him in His return.
No secrets shall be held from Him. His eyes will be like a flame of fire and a sword shall emerge from the inside of His mouth to strike down those who have sinned against Him.
The curse of Genesis will be lifted and all men will live 900 years as in the days of Adam and Noah, for blessed is he who rejoices in the Kingdom of Christ.
The running blood of the martyrs will be rightfully avenged and those gathered in heaven shall praise the most high, Jesus Christ, as He judges the great whore, Babylon.
The Earth will be cleansed of the flesh of the vile, cowardly idolaters as they are consumed by a fiery lake and drown beneath the burning sulfur.
The sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’s den.
The bodies of His enemies will be pierced with spears and pinned against the ground, where they shall be held in agony for eternity as fire slowly consumes the world.
All who have welcomed Christ into their hearts will meet the Lord in the air and be welcomed to His heavenly kingdom.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close