8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back

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Vol 49 Issue 25

The Onion Will Be Euthanizing People For Free This Sunday

Summer is in full effect! And as the nation gears up for three months of beach excursions, poolside barbecues, and lazy afternoons, The Onion would like to remind its readers that this Sunday we are offering free euthanizations to everyone and anyo...

The Onion’s Tips For Securing The U.S.–Mexico Border

Destroy America’s financial, manufacturing, and healthcare sectors, limiting the amount of reasons to ever come in Place one traffic cone right in front of the existing border fence Impeach President Barack Obama On the Mexico side of the border, h...

All-Female Jury To Try George Zimmerman

A jury consisting of six women will determine whether George Zimmerman was acting lawfully under Florida’s Stand Your Ground law when he shot and killed unarmed 17-year-old Trayvon Martin in his gated community in February 2012.
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8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back

Music shall sound from on high across the land, as His chosen, gathered from the four winds, greet Him in His return.
No secrets shall be held from Him. His eyes will be like a flame of fire and a sword shall emerge from the inside of His mouth to strike down those who have sinned against Him.
The curse of Genesis will be lifted and all men will live 900 years as in the days of Adam and Noah, for blessed is he who rejoices in the Kingdom of Christ.
The running blood of the martyrs will be rightfully avenged and those gathered in heaven shall praise the most high, Jesus Christ, as He judges the great whore, Babylon.
The Earth will be cleansed of the flesh of the vile, cowardly idolaters as they are consumed by a fiery lake and drown beneath the burning sulfur.
The sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’s den.
The bodies of His enemies will be pierced with spears and pinned against the ground, where they shall be held in agony for eternity as fire slowly consumes the world.
All who have welcomed Christ into their hearts will meet the Lord in the air and be welcomed to His heavenly kingdom.
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