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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back

Music shall sound from on high across the land, as His chosen, gathered from the four winds, greet Him in His return.
No secrets shall be held from Him. His eyes will be like a flame of fire and a sword shall emerge from the inside of His mouth to strike down those who have sinned against Him.
The curse of Genesis will be lifted and all men will live 900 years as in the days of Adam and Noah, for blessed is he who rejoices in the Kingdom of Christ.
The running blood of the martyrs will be rightfully avenged and those gathered in heaven shall praise the most high, Jesus Christ, as He judges the great whore, Babylon.
The Earth will be cleansed of the flesh of the vile, cowardly idolaters as they are consumed by a fiery lake and drown beneath the burning sulfur.
The sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’s den.
The bodies of His enemies will be pierced with spears and pinned against the ground, where they shall be held in agony for eternity as fire slowly consumes the world.
All who have welcomed Christ into their hearts will meet the Lord in the air and be welcomed to His heavenly kingdom.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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