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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back

Music shall sound from on high across the land, as His chosen, gathered from the four winds, greet Him in His return.
No secrets shall be held from Him. His eyes will be like a flame of fire and a sword shall emerge from the inside of His mouth to strike down those who have sinned against Him.
The curse of Genesis will be lifted and all men will live 900 years as in the days of Adam and Noah, for blessed is he who rejoices in the Kingdom of Christ.
The running blood of the martyrs will be rightfully avenged and those gathered in heaven shall praise the most high, Jesus Christ, as He judges the great whore, Babylon.
The Earth will be cleansed of the flesh of the vile, cowardly idolaters as they are consumed by a fiery lake and drown beneath the burning sulfur.
The sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’s den.
The bodies of His enemies will be pierced with spears and pinned against the ground, where they shall be held in agony for eternity as fire slowly consumes the world.
All who have welcomed Christ into their hearts will meet the Lord in the air and be welcomed to His heavenly kingdom.

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