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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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8 Reasons We Can’t Wait For Jesus To Come Back

Music shall sound from on high across the land, as His chosen, gathered from the four winds, greet Him in His return.
No secrets shall be held from Him. His eyes will be like a flame of fire and a sword shall emerge from the inside of His mouth to strike down those who have sinned against Him.
The curse of Genesis will be lifted and all men will live 900 years as in the days of Adam and Noah, for blessed is he who rejoices in the Kingdom of Christ.
The running blood of the martyrs will be rightfully avenged and those gathered in heaven shall praise the most high, Jesus Christ, as He judges the great whore, Babylon.
The Earth will be cleansed of the flesh of the vile, cowardly idolaters as they are consumed by a fiery lake and drown beneath the burning sulfur.
The sucking child shall play on the hole of the asp, and the weaned child shall put his hand on the cockatrice’s den.
The bodies of His enemies will be pierced with spears and pinned against the ground, where they shall be held in agony for eternity as fire slowly consumes the world.
All who have welcomed Christ into their hearts will meet the Lord in the air and be welcomed to His heavenly kingdom.

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