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How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:

50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

Star Trek, the science-fiction show about the crew of the starship Enterprise, premiered 50 years ago today on NBC, spawning a cult following and decades of spin-offs. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s 50-year history

How Big-Budget Movies Flop

Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

ARIES: Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.

Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

The highly anticipated seventh episode in the ‘Star Wars’ series, ‘The Force Awakens,’ which will be released December 18, will feature several returning characters as well as a host of new ones. Here is a guide to the characters of ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens.’

Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

NEW YORK—Immediately halting production on his latest project after hearing of the incredible talent, legendary actor Robert De Niro was reportedly stunned to learn Wednesday that Bayonne, NJ resident Eric Sullivan, 33, can quote the critically acclaimed 1990 Martin Scorsese film Goodfellas at length.

Timeline Of The James Bond Series

This week marks the release of the 24th film in the James Bond franchise, Spectre, featuring Daniel Craig in his fourth appearance as the British secret agent. Here are some notable moments from the film series’s 53-year history
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Entertainment

8 RIDICULOUSLY HOT Photos Of Beyonce At The Super Bowl

Unfortunately, although we promised a slideshow of sizzling hot pictures of pop singer Beyoncé at the Super Bowl Halftime Show, the editorial department of The Onion was not able to complete this slideshow in time. The Onion would like to offer its sincere apologies for putting up this link anyway for you to click on.
As you are no doubt aware, a Beyoncé slideshow would have maximized our web traffic and provided an enjoyable diversion for the reader, but we encountered a number of setbacks. For one thing, finding high-resolution photos of pop singer Beyoncé for licensed editorial use is not cheap, especially using our particular stock photo service provider.
Secondly, sorting through said photos, picking the most sizzling ones, and writing applicable and succinctly worded captions for said sizzling photos was, perhaps, more of a labor-intensive task than The Onion had initially anticipated. This is why you do not see a photo of the pop singer Beyoncé right now.
Again, there are NO PHOTOS of pop singer Beyoncé anywhere in this slideshow. None. You may continue clicking through like this if you wish, but at no point will a photo of pop singer Beyoncé appear, just so you know. On this you have our assurance.
Look, were we in the wrong for putting up a slideshow link at all, considering the aforementioned lack of Beyoncé photos? Perhaps, but at this point the decision to continue clicking through this slideshow is on you. This is happening because you are making it happen. Understand?
Here is a photo of TV legend Alan Alda. We had the photo lying around, and we figured that while a photo of TV legend Alan Alda is most definitely not a photo of pop singer Beyoncé, it is still better than no photo at all. We hope you agree.
Perhaps putting up a photo of TV legend Alan Alda may have misled the reader into believing there would be, if not photos of pop singer Beyoncé, at least other photos of TV legend Alan Alda. Or any other photos at all. That is not the case. There are no more photos in this slideshow. Again, our sincerest apologies.
At this point, The Onion would like to thank you for clicking this far. You’ve given us more web traffic, and for this we are grateful. That being said, we find your motivation to continue clicking on blank slideshows not only peculiar but also somewhat sick and unhealthy. You should think about your behavior and reassess what, if anything, you are doing with your life.

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