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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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8 RIDICULOUSLY HOT Photos Of Beyonce At The Super Bowl

Unfortunately, although we promised a slideshow of sizzling hot pictures of pop singer Beyoncé at the Super Bowl Halftime Show, the editorial department of The Onion was not able to complete this slideshow in time. The Onion would like to offer its sincere apologies for putting up this link anyway for you to click on.
As you are no doubt aware, a Beyoncé slideshow would have maximized our web traffic and provided an enjoyable diversion for the reader, but we encountered a number of setbacks. For one thing, finding high-resolution photos of pop singer Beyoncé for licensed editorial use is not cheap, especially using our particular stock photo service provider.
Secondly, sorting through said photos, picking the most sizzling ones, and writing applicable and succinctly worded captions for said sizzling photos was, perhaps, more of a labor-intensive task than The Onion had initially anticipated. This is why you do not see a photo of the pop singer Beyoncé right now.
Again, there are NO PHOTOS of pop singer Beyoncé anywhere in this slideshow. None. You may continue clicking through like this if you wish, but at no point will a photo of pop singer Beyoncé appear, just so you know. On this you have our assurance.
Look, were we in the wrong for putting up a slideshow link at all, considering the aforementioned lack of Beyoncé photos? Perhaps, but at this point the decision to continue clicking through this slideshow is on you. This is happening because you are making it happen. Understand?
Here is a photo of TV legend Alan Alda. We had the photo lying around, and we figured that while a photo of TV legend Alan Alda is most definitely not a photo of pop singer Beyoncé, it is still better than no photo at all. We hope you agree.
Perhaps putting up a photo of TV legend Alan Alda may have misled the reader into believing there would be, if not photos of pop singer Beyoncé, at least other photos of TV legend Alan Alda. Or any other photos at all. That is not the case. There are no more photos in this slideshow. Again, our sincerest apologies.
At this point, The Onion would like to thank you for clicking this far. You’ve given us more web traffic, and for this we are grateful. That being said, we find your motivation to continue clicking on blank slideshows not only peculiar but also somewhat sick and unhealthy. You should think about your behavior and reassess what, if anything, you are doing with your life.
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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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