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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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8 Unlikely Animal Friendships

This cheetah is an evangelical Christian and this Anatolian shepherd is an outspoken pro-choice advocate. But the cheetah found it in his heart to invite the Anatolian shepherd out to his chalet in Aspen last Thanksgiving, and the two found common ground over their shared love of skiing.
When this chihuahua was first introduced to this rooster at her brother’s birthday party, the words that flashed through her head were, “I do not like this rooster.” But 10 years later, the two are inseparable.
This is an incredible story: This fox killed this badger’s daughter in a hit-and-run accident and was serving time when the badger, a devout Muslim, began visiting the fox in prison. The badger, seeking some kind of comfort in his overwhelming grief, focused on converting the fox to Islam—and on the way, they developed a deep, albeit strange, bond.
This eel has been this shrimp’s AA sponsor for three years.
Neither of these two really got along with one another when they started off as rival junior associates at their law firm. Then the hedgehog got blindsided by this complicated will he was supposed to draw up for an important client and was drowning in paperwork. The grey squirrel was eventually assigned to lend a hand because he had taken a clinic on estate litigation during his second year at Cardozo, and they ended up working a lot of late nights. A friendship started to form, and now, years later, they have their own practice. Also, the squirrel took the hedgehog to the doctor when his arm got hurt.
Brad Mehldau is a celebrated jazz pianist who has performed with such luminaries as Wayne Shorter, Jimmy Cobb, and Christian McBride. On the surface, you wouldn’t think he would have much in common with this carpenter ant. But you’d be wrong.
These two have been attached since meeting each other in high school one summer while enrolled in an immersive language-learning program in France. They were assigned to the same homestay family and have been more or less sisters ever since.
You’d expect this hippopotamus and this tortoise to be bitter enemies, since they’re CEOs of competing tech firms. But they golf 18 holes together every Sunday!
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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