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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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9 MUST-FOLLOW Al-Qaeda Leaders On Twitter

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Khalid al-Habib (@The_REAL_KhalidAlHabib): A big name in social media circles as well as the Afghan war front, al-Qaeda’s top field commander is known for his ongoing Twitter feuds with moderate Shiites, the Muslim Brotherhood, and the 9/11 Truth movement.
Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah (@abdullahsquared): The architect of embassy bombings in Dar es Salaam and Nairobi, this veteran al-Qaeda head has just recently joined Twitter, and his tweets are already making a big splash—he’s routinely RTed by such Twitter megastars as @Shaq and @aplusk.
Abu Hasan al-Yemeni (@AbuLoves9_11): A true social media success story, this previous unknown was discovered on Twitter by al-Qaeda and hired on the spot for his radical anti-Western rants and popular Vine videos of infidel beheadings.
Abu Sufyan al-Azdi (@InfidelKillah): This Arabian Peninsula number two is credited with creating the wildly popular Twitter hashtags #YouMightBeAZionistDog and #ShariaLiving, though he curiously has not posted since January.
Abu Yahya al-Libi (@MrMujahideen): Al-Libi’s insights on IED-making and the current season of Mad Men have repeatedly landed him on “Best Tweets” lists on the Huffington Post, Happy Place, BloodOfHolyMartyrs.com, and Yahoo.
Andrew Parker (@AndrewNathanParker88): This citizen from the American heartland has steadily risen the ranks of al-Qaeda, making frequent cryptic remarks about the blood of believers and infidels mingling in holy fire on August 18.
Saif Al Nahari (@caliphatboy): Kandahar Province represent! Al Nahari is proof that when it comes to breeding holy Twitter warriors, this southern Afghan region has it all over Riyadh.
Jamal Ahmad Mohammad Al Badawi (@JAMABADAWI): His tweets may be very, ahem, opinionated, but that’s what we love about this Yemeni al-Qaeda associate who helped plan the 2000 USS Cole bombing!
Larry Ellison (@larryellison): The Oracle CEO and high-ranking al-Qaeda operative is just as well-known for his multi-billion-dollar tech empire as his incisive, biting tweets urging the world’s militant Islamists to rise up and purge the world of the Western infidels.

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