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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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9 MUST-FOLLOW Al-Qaeda Leaders On Twitter

Khalid al-Habib (@The_REAL_KhalidAlHabib): A big name in social media circles as well as the Afghan war front, al-Qaeda’s top field commander is known for his ongoing Twitter feuds with moderate Shiites, the Muslim Brotherhood, and the 9/11 Truth movement.
Abdullah Ahmed Abdullah (@abdullahsquared): The architect of embassy bombings in Dar es Salaam and Nairobi, this veteran al-Qaeda head has just recently joined Twitter, and his tweets are already making a big splash—he’s routinely RTed by such Twitter megastars as @Shaq and @aplusk.
Abu Hasan al-Yemeni (@AbuLoves9_11): A true social media success story, this previous unknown was discovered on Twitter by al-Qaeda and hired on the spot for his radical anti-Western rants and popular Vine videos of infidel beheadings.
Abu Sufyan al-Azdi (@InfidelKillah): This Arabian Peninsula number two is credited with creating the wildly popular Twitter hashtags #YouMightBeAZionistDog and #ShariaLiving, though he curiously has not posted since January.
Abu Yahya al-Libi (@MrMujahideen): Al-Libi’s insights on IED-making and the current season of Mad Men have repeatedly landed him on “Best Tweets” lists on the Huffington Post, Happy Place, BloodOfHolyMartyrs.com, and Yahoo.
Andrew Parker (@AndrewNathanParker88): This citizen from the American heartland has steadily risen the ranks of al-Qaeda, making frequent cryptic remarks about the blood of believers and infidels mingling in holy fire on August 18.
Saif Al Nahari (@caliphatboy): Kandahar Province represent! Al Nahari is proof that when it comes to breeding holy Twitter warriors, this southern Afghan region has it all over Riyadh.
Jamal Ahmad Mohammad Al Badawi (@JAMABADAWI): His tweets may be very, ahem, opinionated, but that’s what we love about this Yemeni al-Qaeda associate who helped plan the 2000 USS Cole bombing!
Larry Ellison (@larryellison): The Oracle CEO and high-ranking al-Qaeda operative is just as well-known for his multi-billion-dollar tech empire as his incisive, biting tweets urging the world’s militant Islamists to rise up and purge the world of the Western infidels.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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