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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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9 Things Introverts Do All The Time

Introverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching movies like Zodiac starring Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right featuring Mark Ruffalo, skipping to all the Mark Ruffalo scenes in Shutter Island, or simply rereading The Progressive’s April 2012 interview with actor Mark Ruffalo.
Many introverts love photography.
Other introverts enjoy writing, which is why they send Mark Ruffalo three letters a day, except Wednesdays when they send him seven because that’s the day of the week he was born on.
Introverts tend to be very good listeners, which is why they can tell Mark Ruffalo is speaking directly to them in every interview he gives.
Introverts don’t have hundreds of close friends. All they need is one: Mark Ruffalo.
If you’ve been driving closely behind Mark Ruffalo’s car for the past hour, you’re probably an introvert. You’re also probably an introvert if you’re following him into his driveway.
Remember: Opposites attract! Mark Ruffalo is an extrovert, which means introverts like having him tied up with rope in their basements completely naked and drizzling baby oil on him.
Most introverts wouldn’t like it if Mark Ruffalo was with them and started screaming for help. Screaming might attract attention. Introverts don’t like attention. Introverts need Mark Ruffalo to shut up right now.
Oh Jesus. Oh my God. Introverts killed Mark Ruffalo. They fucking killed him! They didn’t mean to go that far! Now introverts are going to have to burn it all down. Burn it all down.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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