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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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9 Things Introverts Do All The Time

Introverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching movies like Zodiac starring Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right featuring Mark Ruffalo, skipping to all the Mark Ruffalo scenes in Shutter Island, or simply rereading The Progressive’s April 2012 interview with actor Mark Ruffalo.
Many introverts love photography.
Other introverts enjoy writing, which is why they send Mark Ruffalo three letters a day, except Wednesdays when they send him seven because that’s the day of the week he was born on.
Introverts tend to be very good listeners, which is why they can tell Mark Ruffalo is speaking directly to them in every interview he gives.
Introverts don’t have hundreds of close friends. All they need is one: Mark Ruffalo.
If you’ve been driving closely behind Mark Ruffalo’s car for the past hour, you’re probably an introvert. You’re also probably an introvert if you’re following him into his driveway.
Remember: Opposites attract! Mark Ruffalo is an extrovert, which means introverts like having him tied up with rope in their basements completely naked and drizzling baby oil on him.
Most introverts wouldn’t like it if Mark Ruffalo was with them and started screaming for help. Screaming might attract attention. Introverts don’t like attention. Introverts need Mark Ruffalo to shut up right now.
Oh Jesus. Oh my God. Introverts killed Mark Ruffalo. They fucking killed him! They didn’t mean to go that far! Now introverts are going to have to burn it all down. Burn it all down.

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