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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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9 Things Introverts Do All The Time

Introverts don’t need to go out to have fun. They’re perfectly fine spending Friday night at home alone watching movies like Zodiac starring Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right featuring Mark Ruffalo, skipping to all the Mark Ruffalo scenes in Shutter Island, or simply rereading The Progressive’s April 2012 interview with actor Mark Ruffalo.
Many introverts love photography.
Other introverts enjoy writing, which is why they send Mark Ruffalo three letters a day, except Wednesdays when they send him seven because that’s the day of the week he was born on.
Introverts tend to be very good listeners, which is why they can tell Mark Ruffalo is speaking directly to them in every interview he gives.
Introverts don’t have hundreds of close friends. All they need is one: Mark Ruffalo.
If you’ve been driving closely behind Mark Ruffalo’s car for the past hour, you’re probably an introvert. You’re also probably an introvert if you’re following him into his driveway.
Remember: Opposites attract! Mark Ruffalo is an extrovert, which means introverts like having him tied up with rope in their basements completely naked and drizzling baby oil on him.
Most introverts wouldn’t like it if Mark Ruffalo was with them and started screaming for help. Screaming might attract attention. Introverts don’t like attention. Introverts need Mark Ruffalo to shut up right now.
Oh Jesus. Oh my God. Introverts killed Mark Ruffalo. They fucking killed him! They didn’t mean to go that far! Now introverts are going to have to burn it all down. Burn it all down.

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