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A Pope Remembered

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Report: Someone Needs To Get Chips And Dip Away From Area Man

EDISON, NJ—Repeatedly emphasizing that the ruffled potato chips and accompanying French onion dip were just too good, a report released Thursday confirmed that someone needs to get them away from local partygoer Ian Ashcraft before he eats the whole thing.

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

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A Pope Remembered

Pope Admits: "God Ain't Said Shit To Me"
Vatican Unveils New Pope Signal
Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound
Pope Condemns Three More Glands
Vatican Rescinds 'Blessed' Status Of World's Meek: "Screw The Meek," Says Pope
Aging Pope "Just Blessing Everything In Sight," Handlers Say
Vatican Warns Against Increasingly Healthy Attitudes Towards Sex
Pope Asks To Be Taken Off List Of World’s 100 Richest People
Excited Catholics Already Lining Up For Pope's Funeral
Pope Forgives Molested Children
Pope John Paul II: 25 Years Of Laughs

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