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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Action Heroes

Heroic Secret Service Agent Takes Question Intended For Bush
Ex-Cop Drawn Into Web Of Intrigue And Deceit By Frequently Naked Woman
Kickboxer, Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, To Continue In A Moment
Terrorist Bomb Not Defused In Thrilling, Suspense-Packed Final Minutes
Hong Kong Leaders Make Desperate Plea To Jackie Chan
Six-Year-Old's Birthday Party Hampered By 85,000 Gallons of Combustible Fuel Oil
Military Promises 'Huge Numbers' For Gulf War II: The Vengeance
Upcoming Los Angeles Earthquake 'Will Be Huge,' Insiders Say
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