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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Actors Attached To The Project Over The Years

Vivien Leigh, 1941
Bing Crosby, 1942
Lassie, 1964
George C. Scott, 1969
David Niven, 1973
Mickey Rourke, 1985
Rodney Dangerfield, 1987
Hugh Grant, 2000
Queen Latifah, 2004
Cedric the Entertainer, 2006
Jessica Alba, 2008
Mickey Rourke, 2010
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