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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.
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Ariel Sharon: A Life

February 26, 1928: Ariel Sharon, who would eventually come to be regarded by Israeli leaders as the “greatest field commander” of his time, is born to Shmuel and Vera Scheinerman in the northern Israeli town of Kfar Malal.
1942: At just 14 years of age, Sharon joins Hagana, a Jewish guerilla movement, and helps defend Jewish settlements from violent enemies bent on their destruction.
1948: After months of successfully leading hit-and-run paramilitary raids on enemy forces, a 20-year-old Ariel Sharon is recognized for his bravery and valor and is awarded command of a battalion for the newly formed Israeli Defense Forces during Israel’s War of Independence.
October 1953: A 25-year-old Sharon is personally selected by Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion to command a newly created elite special forces squad known as Unit 101. Following the killing of an Israeli woman and her children, Sharon leads a counterattack on a Jordanian town said to be harboring militants but ultimately kills 69 civilians, over half women and children, in what was unfortunately yet undeniably collateral damage in an already brutal war.
June 5-10, 1967: During the infamous Six-Day War between Israel and the armies of Egypt, Jordan, and Syria, Sharon heroically fends off enemy forces and masterfully captures the West Bank, Gaza Strip, Sinai Peninsula, and Golan Heights.
1970s-1990s: While serving as a member of the legislature and various high-ranking positions within the Israeli administration, Sharon bravely pushes for the construction of Jewish settlements in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, repeatedly overcoming violent hostility from his opponents to achieve his goals.
1981: In a sign of deep respect and trust from government leaders as well as his fellow countrymen, Sharon is appointed Israel’s minister of defense and promptly launches the First Lebanon War the following year. Although Sharon would be unfairly forced to resign in 1983 for his role in the death of hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut during the campaign, no one could deny that the great military leader worked tirelessly toward the singular goal of providing for the safety and security of his people.
February 7, 2001: Sharon is elected Prime Minister of Israel in the largest landslide victory in the country’s history, a position that brings even more distinction to his already legendary name.
August 5, 2005: Despite his long-held support for the expansion of Jewish settlements in the region, Sharon evacuates Israeli settlers and troops from Gaza in a magnanimous effort to broker peace—a selfless and visionary gesture that sadly goes unreciprocated by his counterparts on the other side.
January 5, 2006: Tragedy strikes Israel when Sharon suffers a massive stroke, prompting his doctors to place the renowned leader in a medically induced coma.
January 11, 2014: Sharon succumbs to his condition in a hospital near Tel Aviv at the age of 85. Sharon dies a hero, a leader of unparalleled ability, and above all else, a lasting symbol of courage, determination, and fearlessness.
Little Caesars is proud to sponsor this tribute to the late, great Ariel Sharon. We hope you enjoyed it.

More from this section

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

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