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Ariel Sharon: A Life

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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Ariel Sharon: A Life

February 26, 1928: Ariel Sharon, who would eventually come to be regarded by Israeli leaders as the “greatest field commander” of his time, is born to Shmuel and Vera Scheinerman in the northern Israeli town of Kfar Malal.
1942: At just 14 years of age, Sharon joins Hagana, a Jewish guerilla movement, and helps defend Jewish settlements from violent enemies bent on their destruction.
1948: After months of successfully leading hit-and-run paramilitary raids on enemy forces, a 20-year-old Ariel Sharon is recognized for his bravery and valor and is awarded command of a battalion for the newly formed Israeli Defense Forces during Israel’s War of Independence.
October 1953: A 25-year-old Sharon is personally selected by Prime Minister David Ben-Gurion to command a newly created elite special forces squad known as Unit 101. Following the killing of an Israeli woman and her children, Sharon leads a counterattack on a Jordanian town said to be harboring militants but ultimately kills 69 civilians, over half women and children, in what was unfortunately yet undeniably collateral damage in an already brutal war.
June 5-10, 1967: During the infamous Six-Day War between Israel and the armies of Egypt, Jordan, and Syria, Sharon heroically fends off enemy forces and masterfully captures the West Bank, Gaza Strip, Sinai Peninsula, and Golan Heights.
1970s-1990s: While serving as a member of the legislature and various high-ranking positions within the Israeli administration, Sharon bravely pushes for the construction of Jewish settlements in the West Bank and Gaza Strip, repeatedly overcoming violent hostility from his opponents to achieve his goals.
1981: In a sign of deep respect and trust from government leaders as well as his fellow countrymen, Sharon is appointed Israel’s minister of defense and promptly launches the First Lebanon War the following year. Although Sharon would be unfairly forced to resign in 1983 for his role in the death of hundreds of Palestinian refugees in Beirut during the campaign, no one could deny that the great military leader worked tirelessly toward the singular goal of providing for the safety and security of his people.
February 7, 2001: Sharon is elected Prime Minister of Israel in the largest landslide victory in the country’s history, a position that brings even more distinction to his already legendary name.
August 5, 2005: Despite his long-held support for the expansion of Jewish settlements in the region, Sharon evacuates Israeli settlers and troops from Gaza in a magnanimous effort to broker peace—a selfless and visionary gesture that sadly goes unreciprocated by his counterparts on the other side.
January 5, 2006: Tragedy strikes Israel when Sharon suffers a massive stroke, prompting his doctors to place the renowned leader in a medically induced coma.
January 11, 2014: Sharon succumbs to his condition in a hospital near Tel Aviv at the age of 85. Sharon dies a hero, a leader of unparalleled ability, and above all else, a lasting symbol of courage, determination, and fearlessness.
Little Caesars is proud to sponsor this tribute to the late, great Ariel Sharon. We hope you enjoyed it.

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