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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Before One Direction: A Look Back At History

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300 million BC: More than 300 million years before the boys lit up the charts with their hit single “What Makes You Beautiful,” spiders evolved from crab-like ancestors called chelicerata, which originated as marine mammals during the Cambrian period.
3350 BC: The first written language, Sumerian, develops in Mesopotamia, allowing for the rise of human civilization and the crafting of One Direction's smash single, "Live While We're Young."
221 BC: Chinese emperor Qin Shi Huang orders the construction of the Great Wall, a full 2,233 years before One Direction won their first VMA for Best Pop Video.
476: Romulus Augustulus abdicates to barbarian military leader Flavius Odoacer, drawing the Roman Empire to a close, much in the same way that One Direction's ascension up the pop charts heralded the downfall of Irish boy band Westlife.
1066: The Battle of Hastings concludes with William the Conqueror's decisive victory over King Harold II, securing the Norman conquest of England on the bloody battlefields of East Sussex, just 79 miles away from where One Direction would later meet as contestants on The X Factor.
1346-1353: The Black Death sweeps through Europe, killing as many as 200 million people.
1776: Thomas Paine publishes the highly influential revolutionary pamphlet 'Common Sense,' arguing for freedom from British rule. Although unrelated to Liam Payne in any way, their last names sound the same when said aloud.
1936: Television legend Alan Alda is born, much like Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson, who were all also later born.
1991-2002: The Sierra Leone Civil War ends in the deaths of more than 50,000 individuals. One Direction recorded a cover of the Kings of Leon's 'Use Somebody' in 2012.

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