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Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.
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Before One Direction: A Look Back At History

300 million BC: More than 300 million years before the boys lit up the charts with their hit single “What Makes You Beautiful,” spiders evolved from crab-like ancestors called chelicerata, which originated as marine mammals during the Cambrian period.
3350 BC: The first written language, Sumerian, develops in Mesopotamia, allowing for the rise of human civilization and the crafting of One Direction's smash single, "Live While We're Young."
221 BC: Chinese emperor Qin Shi Huang orders the construction of the Great Wall, a full 2,233 years before One Direction won their first VMA for Best Pop Video.
476: Romulus Augustulus abdicates to barbarian military leader Flavius Odoacer, drawing the Roman Empire to a close, much in the same way that One Direction's ascension up the pop charts heralded the downfall of Irish boy band Westlife.
1066: The Battle of Hastings concludes with William the Conqueror's decisive victory over King Harold II, securing the Norman conquest of England on the bloody battlefields of East Sussex, just 79 miles away from where One Direction would later meet as contestants on The X Factor.
1346-1353: The Black Death sweeps through Europe, killing as many as 200 million people.
1776: Thomas Paine publishes the highly influential revolutionary pamphlet 'Common Sense,' arguing for freedom from British rule. Although unrelated to Liam Payne in any way, their last names sound the same when said aloud.
1936: Television legend Alan Alda is born, much like Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson, who were all also later born.
1991-2002: The Sierra Leone Civil War ends in the deaths of more than 50,000 individuals. One Direction recorded a cover of the Kings of Leon's 'Use Somebody' in 2012.

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