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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Before One Direction: A Look Back At History

300 million BC: More than 300 million years before the boys lit up the charts with their hit single “What Makes You Beautiful,” spiders evolved from crab-like ancestors called chelicerata, which originated as marine mammals during the Cambrian period.
3350 BC: The first written language, Sumerian, develops in Mesopotamia, allowing for the rise of human civilization and the crafting of One Direction's smash single, "Live While We're Young."
221 BC: Chinese emperor Qin Shi Huang orders the construction of the Great Wall, a full 2,233 years before One Direction won their first VMA for Best Pop Video.
476: Romulus Augustulus abdicates to barbarian military leader Flavius Odoacer, drawing the Roman Empire to a close, much in the same way that One Direction's ascension up the pop charts heralded the downfall of Irish boy band Westlife.
1066: The Battle of Hastings concludes with William the Conqueror's decisive victory over King Harold II, securing the Norman conquest of England on the bloody battlefields of East Sussex, just 79 miles away from where One Direction would later meet as contestants on The X Factor.
1346-1353: The Black Death sweeps through Europe, killing as many as 200 million people.
1776: Thomas Paine publishes the highly influential revolutionary pamphlet 'Common Sense,' arguing for freedom from British rule. Although unrelated to Liam Payne in any way, their last names sound the same when said aloud.
1936: Television legend Alan Alda is born, much like Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Niall Horan, Liam Payne and Louis Tomlinson, who were all also later born.
1991-2002: The Sierra Leone Civil War ends in the deaths of more than 50,000 individuals. One Direction recorded a cover of the Kings of Leon's 'Use Somebody' in 2012.
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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