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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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Best Cities For Millennials

1. NEW YORK CITY


Median Income: 3.5 credit hours

Idealistic Hopes And Dreams Crushed Per Day: 1.4 million

Cost Of Living Like Friends Back Home: $2.5 million a year

Number Of Old Bags In Rent-Controlled Apartments Who Need To Just Die Already: 11,078

Rockettes Per Capita: 0.000019

Number Of Residents Under 30 Living In Dream Brownstone Apartment In Greenwich Village After Making It In The Big City: 0

2. AUSTIN


Likelihood Your Dumb Ideas About Art Will Be Indulged: 100 percent

Still In Texas: Yes

Popular Activities: Live music, food trucks, unsuccessfully pursuing misguided dreams longer than any of your other college friends, biking

Friends’ Shows We Might Catch Later: 2

Number Of Drummers’ Girlfriends Who Are Holding Band Back: 4,900

Place You Will Actually Pack Up And Move To: No

3. SAN FRANCISCO


Median Rent: Hooboy

Wi-Fi Strength: -50 dBm

Number Of Apps It Takes To Get From One Part Of City To Another: 4

Weather: Mild climate softens blow of living on the streets

Earthquakes: Constant in your mother’s mind as soon as you move here

Environmental Initiatives: City recycles 90 percent of failed startups

Best Neighborhood For Young People Just Starting Out: 28 miles outside city limits

4. BOSTON


Dialect: Shouting

City Nickname: [unintelligible]

Open Coxswain Positions: 78,000

Cultural Heritage: Exaggeratedly Irish

Number Of People Currently On Candlepin Bowling First Dates: 800,000

Days It Takes To Do It All: 2.73

Popular Interests: New York

5. YOUR HOMETOWN


Average Number Of Unbearable Interactions When You Leave The House: 2.54 per outing

The Mall: Depressing, inexplicably comforting

Number Of Promotions Former Classmate Has Earned At Local Supermarket Since Being Bagboy Back In High School: 2

Pace At Which 10 Goddamn Years Of Your Life Pass: Just like that

Unshakable Sensation That You Both Belong Here And Are A Stranger Here: Inescapable and oppressive

Cost Of Living: Admission of defeat
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