Best Cities For Millennials

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Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Origins Of Popular Slang Terms

As the internet helps push new words and expressions into common usage, many may wonder where our most ubiquitous idioms come from. Here are the origins of some popular slang terms and phrases

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.
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Best Cities For Millennials


Median Income: 3.5 credit hours

Idealistic Hopes And Dreams Crushed Per Day: 1.4 million

Cost Of Living Like Friends Back Home: $2.5 million a year

Number Of Old Bags In Rent-Controlled Apartments Who Need To Just Die Already: 11,078

Rockettes Per Capita: 0.000019

Number Of Residents Under 30 Living In Dream Brownstone Apartment In Greenwich Village After Making It In The Big City: 0


Likelihood Your Dumb Ideas About Art Will Be Indulged: 100 percent

Still In Texas: Yes

Popular Activities: Live music, food trucks, unsuccessfully pursuing misguided dreams longer than any of your other college friends, biking

Friends’ Shows We Might Catch Later: 2

Number Of Drummers’ Girlfriends Who Are Holding Band Back: 4,900

Place You Will Actually Pack Up And Move To: No


Median Rent: Hooboy

Wi-Fi Strength: -50 dBm

Number Of Apps It Takes To Get From One Part Of City To Another: 4

Weather: Mild climate softens blow of living on the streets

Earthquakes: Constant in your mother’s mind as soon as you move here

Environmental Initiatives: City recycles 90 percent of failed startups

Best Neighborhood For Young People Just Starting Out: 28 miles outside city limits


Dialect: Shouting

City Nickname: [unintelligible]

Open Coxswain Positions: 78,000

Cultural Heritage: Exaggeratedly Irish

Number Of People Currently On Candlepin Bowling First Dates: 800,000

Days It Takes To Do It All: 2.73

Popular Interests: New York


Average Number Of Unbearable Interactions When You Leave The House: 2.54 per outing

The Mall: Depressing, inexplicably comforting

Number Of Promotions Former Classmate Has Earned At Local Supermarket Since Being Bagboy Back In High School: 2

Pace At Which 10 Goddamn Years Of Your Life Pass: Just like that

Unshakable Sensation That You Both Belong Here And Are A Stranger Here: Inescapable and oppressive

Cost Of Living: Admission of defeat


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