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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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Best Cities For Millennials

1. NEW YORK CITY


Median Income: 3.5 credit hours

Idealistic Hopes And Dreams Crushed Per Day: 1.4 million

Cost Of Living Like Friends Back Home: $2.5 million a year

Number Of Old Bags In Rent-Controlled Apartments Who Need To Just Die Already: 11,078

Rockettes Per Capita: 0.000019

Number Of Residents Under 30 Living In Dream Brownstone Apartment In Greenwich Village After Making It In The Big City: 0

2. AUSTIN


Likelihood Your Dumb Ideas About Art Will Be Indulged: 100 percent

Still In Texas: Yes

Popular Activities: Live music, food trucks, unsuccessfully pursuing misguided dreams longer than any of your other college friends, biking

Friends’ Shows We Might Catch Later: 2

Number Of Drummers’ Girlfriends Who Are Holding Band Back: 4,900

Place You Will Actually Pack Up And Move To: No

3. SAN FRANCISCO


Median Rent: Hooboy

Wi-Fi Strength: -50 dBm

Number Of Apps It Takes To Get From One Part Of City To Another: 4

Weather: Mild climate softens blow of living on the streets

Earthquakes: Constant in your mother’s mind as soon as you move here

Environmental Initiatives: City recycles 90 percent of failed startups

Best Neighborhood For Young People Just Starting Out: 28 miles outside city limits

4. BOSTON


Dialect: Shouting

City Nickname: [unintelligible]

Open Coxswain Positions: 78,000

Cultural Heritage: Exaggeratedly Irish

Number Of People Currently On Candlepin Bowling First Dates: 800,000

Days It Takes To Do It All: 2.73

Popular Interests: New York

5. YOUR HOMETOWN


Average Number Of Unbearable Interactions When You Leave The House: 2.54 per outing

The Mall: Depressing, inexplicably comforting

Number Of Promotions Former Classmate Has Earned At Local Supermarket Since Being Bagboy Back In High School: 2

Pace At Which 10 Goddamn Years Of Your Life Pass: Just like that

Unshakable Sensation That You Both Belong Here And Are A Stranger Here: Inescapable and oppressive

Cost Of Living: Admission of defeat

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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