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Best Cities For Millennials

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Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

The Pros And Cons Of Affirmative Action

The Supreme Court upheld a challenge to the University of Texas at Austin’s affirmative action program Thursday, reigniting debate over the merits of policies that favor members of groups frequently targeted by discrimination. Here are the pros and cons of affirmative action

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.
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Best Cities For Millennials

1. NEW YORK CITY


Median Income: 3.5 credit hours

Idealistic Hopes And Dreams Crushed Per Day: 1.4 million

Cost Of Living Like Friends Back Home: $2.5 million a year

Number Of Old Bags In Rent-Controlled Apartments Who Need To Just Die Already: 11,078

Rockettes Per Capita: 0.000019

Number Of Residents Under 30 Living In Dream Brownstone Apartment In Greenwich Village After Making It In The Big City: 0

2. AUSTIN


Likelihood Your Dumb Ideas About Art Will Be Indulged: 100 percent

Still In Texas: Yes

Popular Activities: Live music, food trucks, unsuccessfully pursuing misguided dreams longer than any of your other college friends, biking

Friends’ Shows We Might Catch Later: 2

Number Of Drummers’ Girlfriends Who Are Holding Band Back: 4,900

Place You Will Actually Pack Up And Move To: No

3. SAN FRANCISCO


Median Rent: Hooboy

Wi-Fi Strength: -50 dBm

Number Of Apps It Takes To Get From One Part Of City To Another: 4

Weather: Mild climate softens blow of living on the streets

Earthquakes: Constant in your mother’s mind as soon as you move here

Environmental Initiatives: City recycles 90 percent of failed startups

Best Neighborhood For Young People Just Starting Out: 28 miles outside city limits

4. BOSTON


Dialect: Shouting

City Nickname: [unintelligible]

Open Coxswain Positions: 78,000

Cultural Heritage: Exaggeratedly Irish

Number Of People Currently On Candlepin Bowling First Dates: 800,000

Days It Takes To Do It All: 2.73

Popular Interests: New York

5. YOUR HOMETOWN


Average Number Of Unbearable Interactions When You Leave The House: 2.54 per outing

The Mall: Depressing, inexplicably comforting

Number Of Promotions Former Classmate Has Earned At Local Supermarket Since Being Bagboy Back In High School: 2

Pace At Which 10 Goddamn Years Of Your Life Pass: Just like that

Unshakable Sensation That You Both Belong Here And Are A Stranger Here: Inescapable and oppressive

Cost Of Living: Admission of defeat

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