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Best Cities For Millennials

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Best Cities For Millennials

1. NEW YORK CITY


Median Income: 3.5 credit hours

Idealistic Hopes And Dreams Crushed Per Day: 1.4 million

Cost Of Living Like Friends Back Home: $2.5 million a year

Number Of Old Bags In Rent-Controlled Apartments Who Need To Just Die Already: 11,078

Rockettes Per Capita: 0.000019

Number Of Residents Under 30 Living In Dream Brownstone Apartment In Greenwich Village After Making It In The Big City: 0

2. AUSTIN


Likelihood Your Dumb Ideas About Art Will Be Indulged: 100 percent

Still In Texas: Yes

Popular Activities: Live music, food trucks, unsuccessfully pursuing misguided dreams longer than any of your other college friends, biking

Friends’ Shows We Might Catch Later: 2

Number Of Drummers’ Girlfriends Who Are Holding Band Back: 4,900

Place You Will Actually Pack Up And Move To: No

3. SAN FRANCISCO


Median Rent: Hooboy

Wi-Fi Strength: -50 dBm

Number Of Apps It Takes To Get From One Part Of City To Another: 4

Weather: Mild climate softens blow of living on the streets

Earthquakes: Constant in your mother’s mind as soon as you move here

Environmental Initiatives: City recycles 90 percent of failed startups

Best Neighborhood For Young People Just Starting Out: 28 miles outside city limits

4. BOSTON


Dialect: Shouting

City Nickname: [unintelligible]

Open Coxswain Positions: 78,000

Cultural Heritage: Exaggeratedly Irish

Number Of People Currently On Candlepin Bowling First Dates: 800,000

Days It Takes To Do It All: 2.73

Popular Interests: New York

5. YOUR HOMETOWN


Average Number Of Unbearable Interactions When You Leave The House: 2.54 per outing

The Mall: Depressing, inexplicably comforting

Number Of Promotions Former Classmate Has Earned At Local Supermarket Since Being Bagboy Back In High School: 2

Pace At Which 10 Goddamn Years Of Your Life Pass: Just like that

Unshakable Sensation That You Both Belong Here And Are A Stranger Here: Inescapable and oppressive

Cost Of Living: Admission of defeat

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