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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Celebrity Focus

Larry King's Frothing Saliva Hosed Off Bette Midler
Ben Stiller Peels Banana With Own Feet
New Michael Landon Biography Resolves Many Unasked Questions
Glimpse Of Gene Shalit On TV Reminds Woman It's Time For Bikini Wax
LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet
King Latifah Returns For Wife
Cast-Off Paris Hilton Skin Found In Upper West Side Park
Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A'
Emeril Bams Groupie
Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle Against Fame
Bill Maher Spends All Night Arguing With Republican Hooker
Shotgun Blast To Abdomen Just Pisses Wilfred Brimley Off More
Brad Pitt Called Before Congress To Testify About Bicep Regimen
Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President
Michael Jackson Hires Magical Anthropomorphic Giraffe As Defense Lawyer
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