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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Celebrity Focus

Larry King's Frothing Saliva Hosed Off Bette Midler
Ben Stiller Peels Banana With Own Feet
New Michael Landon Biography Resolves Many Unasked Questions
Glimpse Of Gene Shalit On TV Reminds Woman It's Time For Bikini Wax
LAPD Discovers Hidden Deformed Olsen Triplet
King Latifah Returns For Wife
Cast-Off Paris Hilton Skin Found In Upper West Side Park
Alvin Shunned By Animal Community, Forced To Wear Scarlet 'A'
Emeril Bams Groupie
Dolph Lundgren Wins Long, Courageous Battle Against Fame
Bill Maher Spends All Night Arguing With Republican Hooker
Shotgun Blast To Abdomen Just Pisses Wilfred Brimley Off More
Brad Pitt Called Before Congress To Testify About Bicep Regimen
Tom Hanks This Week's Guest President
Michael Jackson Hires Magical Anthropomorphic Giraffe As Defense Lawyer
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