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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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Flashback! 8 Mind-Blowing Photos Of Jessica Alba Before She Was Famous

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Everyone recognizes Jessica Alba from her extensive work in television and on the silver screen, but did you know that long before the Hollywood bombshell made it big in the entertainment world she was actually Husrev Tevetoğlu, an elderly Turkish man?
Before she wowed audiences around the world in such films as Sin City and Machete, Jessica was a lifelong native of Turkey, having been born and raised in the eastern city of Erzurum in 1928. Here she is enjoying a cup of fine Turkish coffee in Yakutiye Park.
Years before she caught her big break as the lead in James Cameron’s sci-fi television series Dark Angel, Jessica was an aficionado of Turkish classical music. She became a lifelong fan of composer Ulvi Cemal Erkin after seeing his orchestra at Festival Hall in Ankara.
Jessica was also a talented musician in her own right. Friends and neighbors would frequently come over to her home to eat imam bayildi and listen to the the future Teen Choice Award winner play such classic Turkish folk songs as “Al Gul Ile Kirmizi Gul” and “Hey Goklere.”
Ms. Alba was a devoted family man. Though her first wife, Fatima, tragically passed away in 1973 after a prolonged illness, the Fantastic Four star eventually remarried Mujde Sezgin (pictured), with whom she had two children, Tarkan and Mihri.
Before Jessica hit the big time, she was an avid fitness buff. She ran the Istanbul Marathon every year until landing a recurring role on Nickelodeon’s The Secret World Of Alex Mack.
Jessica suffered from obstructive sleep apnea—a common condition among aging men—which forced FHM’s Hottest Woman Alive (2007) to wear this nocturnal breathing apparatus for most of her adult life.
Sadly, Jessica eventually was forced to choose between her life in Turkey and the world of possibility offered by the motion picture industry, ultimately choosing to bid farewell to her beloved home and set off to conquer Tinseltown. Though her friends and family are proud of all she has accomplished in America, they frequently reminisce about their beloved Husrev.

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