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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Gun Crime

Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting
8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights
Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination
NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death
Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge International Prominence
Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban
School Shooting Solves All Of Troubled Youth's Problems

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