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Scientists Discover 99% Of NFL Players’ Brains Slimy

SEATTLE—In a major advancement of the ongoing effort to better understand the specific neurobiology of these athletes, a new study released Wednesday by scientists at the University Of Washington revealed that 99 percent of NFL players’ brains are slimy.

Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Gun Crime

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Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting
8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights
Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination
NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death
Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge International Prominence
Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban
School Shooting Solves All Of Troubled Youth's Problems

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