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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Gun Crime

Victims Sought In Next Week's Shooting
8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Amendment Rights
Twelve Customers Gunned Down In Convenience-Store Clerk's Imagination
NYPD Apologizes For Accidental Shooting-Clubbing-Stabbing-Firebombing Death
Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge International Prominence
Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban
School Shooting Solves All Of Troubled Youth's Problems
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