adBlockCheck

After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
End Of Section
  • More News

Handsomest Sons Of 2013

Advertisement
Robert: Such a nice smile. We don’t know why he doesn’t smile more.
Joshua: Joshua really sprouted up this summer. He’s taller than his dad!
Braden: Look at that face. You could eat that face. Couldn’t you just eat that beautiful little face?
Ethan: Goodness, Ethan!
Nathan: And who is this handsome man? Is that Nathan? Bless my soul, I swear I thought it was Clark Gable. Oh, Nathan, look at you.
Christopher: Christopher is such a handsome, polite young man, his face has a lot of character, and if the other kids at school can’t see that, then it’s their loss.
Thomas: Can you believe Thomas is almost a teenager? He’ll have to start fighting off the girls soon!
Noah: Ever since he learned how to crawl, family members agreed that Noah was the handsomest boy in the whole world. We hope he stays safe over there in Afghanistan.

After Birth

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close