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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Hot Boys We Liked In 2012

Mike: Mike has been hot every year since 2009, and guess what? Mike’s still hot.
Max: Pretty much the hottest boy in school except Joey.
Joey: Hot, like so hot he’s hotter than Max, even.
Connor: Ohmygod.
Matthew: LOL!!! Omg so mean, he can’t help it.
Jake: Now that Jake is on the baseball team he is pretty hot.
Unknown: That boy we saw at the mall who was so hot.
Fox News Anchor Bret Baier
Davie: Davie Trahan is so freaking hot, so it’s easy to forget he shit himself in Mr. Gove’s gym class back in second grade.
Albert: But he’s already dating Alessandra so keep this to yourself.
Ethan: Who is that again? Oh yeah, he’s cute.
Andrew: God, he’s such a dick, but he is just so hot.

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