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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Hot Boys We Liked In 2012

Mike: Mike has been hot every year since 2009, and guess what? Mike’s still hot.
Max: Pretty much the hottest boy in school except Joey.
Joey: Hot, like so hot he’s hotter than Max, even.
Connor: Ohmygod.
Matthew: LOL!!! Omg so mean, he can’t help it.
Jake: Now that Jake is on the baseball team he is pretty hot.
Unknown: That boy we saw at the mall who was so hot.
Fox News Anchor Bret Baier
Davie: Davie Trahan is so freaking hot, so it’s easy to forget he shit himself in Mr. Gove’s gym class back in second grade.
Albert: But he’s already dating Alessandra so keep this to yourself.
Ethan: Who is that again? Oh yeah, he’s cute.
Andrew: God, he’s such a dick, but he is just so hot.

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