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Yu Wan Mei Onion Takeover

China Strong

Following approved article contains: Report on strength and might of China; Report on force and vigor of China; Report on how China will continue to succeed and never fail.

American Consumer Masses Agree: It Fish Time!

Following approved article contains: Report on big hot trend sweeping the palates of American consumers; Evidence of deliciousness and ease of consumption regarding all foodstuffs from Yu Wan Mei corporation; List of times of day in which appetizing Fish Time is observed.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Comfort

  • The Onion’s Guide To Beach Etiquette

    The arrival of summer means that the nation’s beaches will soon be crowded with swimmers, tanners, surfers, and more, so it’s important for everyone to be conscious of each other’s space and needs. Here are some etiquette tips to ensure that everyone has a safe and relaxing time at the beach:

Hot New Consumer Products

Yum-E-Freez Eel Milk: From nature's breasts comes an appetizing and vigorous frozen eel-milk product. It soothes the mouth on a hot day and fills one with strength! Available in male or female.
E-Z Go Spine Extractor: Removal of undesirable fish spine and other living things has never been easier! For immediate taste-pleasure and easy disposal, try E-Z Go Spine Extractor.
Gel: Made with all ingredients, this gel is perfect for any occasion. Child and adult enjoy it equally, sometimes, as do even pets! If you need gel, buy this gel.
Yu Wan Mei Loyalty Bracelet: Show your loyalty to Yu Wan Mei and its line of products in a high-fashion way! The bracelet looks so nice for men or women—even the GPS chip inside is designed with an eye for style. Do not remove the Loyalty Bracelet.
Broiled Shark Gums: Chewy and salty, Yu Wan Mei offers for a limited time the gums of the majestic mako shark. Good for main course, or for appetizers, or for grinding into a powder that makes the genitals like pillars of granite.
Taste Stick: Kids, you want a stick that has your favorite tastes attached to it. From lychee to trout, to even Chinese boar, there are more taste options than stars in the sky! Apply with caution to your tongue and then enjoy the tastes.
Yu Wan Mei Device: The device has been completed and is now available for sale. Code 41-Virtue-00B
Yu Wan Mei Miscellaneous Flavor Paste: Any meal or food can be a better meal with the magic touch of the Miscellaneous Flavor Paste spread on it! It is strongly recommended that you buy two, because of the compelling power of this product.
Metal Fun: In so many shapes and sizes like these, you'll never run out of ways to have fun with Metal Fun. Shavings, shards, bars, strips, ball-bearing-shape, chunk, and Extra Large are some of the many Metal Fun options. Available in iron, aluminum, mercury, cobalt, lead, and others.
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