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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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Hot New Consumer Products

Yum-E-Freez Eel Milk: From nature's breasts comes an appetizing and vigorous frozen eel-milk product. It soothes the mouth on a hot day and fills one with strength! Available in male or female.
E-Z Go Spine Extractor: Removal of undesirable fish spine and other living things has never been easier! For immediate taste-pleasure and easy disposal, try E-Z Go Spine Extractor.
Gel: Made with all ingredients, this gel is perfect for any occasion. Child and adult enjoy it equally, sometimes, as do even pets! If you need gel, buy this gel.
Yu Wan Mei Loyalty Bracelet: Show your loyalty to Yu Wan Mei and its line of products in a high-fashion way! The bracelet looks so nice for men or women—even the GPS chip inside is designed with an eye for style. Do not remove the Loyalty Bracelet.
Broiled Shark Gums: Chewy and salty, Yu Wan Mei offers for a limited time the gums of the majestic mako shark. Good for main course, or for appetizers, or for grinding into a powder that makes the genitals like pillars of granite.
Taste Stick: Kids, you want a stick that has your favorite tastes attached to it. From lychee to trout, to even Chinese boar, there are more taste options than stars in the sky! Apply with caution to your tongue and then enjoy the tastes.
Yu Wan Mei Device: The device has been completed and is now available for sale. Code 41-Virtue-00B
Yu Wan Mei Miscellaneous Flavor Paste: Any meal or food can be a better meal with the magic touch of the Miscellaneous Flavor Paste spread on it! It is strongly recommended that you buy two, because of the compelling power of this product.
Metal Fun: In so many shapes and sizes like these, you'll never run out of ways to have fun with Metal Fun. Shavings, shards, bars, strips, ball-bearing-shape, chunk, and Extra Large are some of the many Metal Fun options. Available in iron, aluminum, mercury, cobalt, lead, and others.

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