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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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How To Prepare For Hurricane Season

It’s crucial that you take necessary precautions BEFORE a hurricane arrives. Make a plan! By the time the storm hits, it will be too late to start thinking about your Beanie Babies.
Hurricanes produce intense winds that can reach sustained speeds of 155 miles per hour or more. Be sure to board your windows with at least 5/8-inch exterior or marine-grade plywood. Winds entering a home create powerful upward pressure that can easily rip your Beanie Babies from their display cases.
Assemble an emergency prepararedness kit, including a 100-pack of Ty Beanie Baby tag protectors and a copy of Care For Your Beanie Babies by Frieda Pigeon.
Prolonged power outages are possible during a hurricane. If you’re weathering the storm at home, stock up in advance on everything you’ll need to hunker down for days or even weeks, including soft-bristled toothbrushes to spot-clean your Beanie Babies, hypoallergenic cloths for pressing them dry, and extra Ty robes, trousers, capes, and hats to keep your BBs warm. Don’t wait until the last minute to buy these items—stores will run out fast!
Photograph and catalog each Beanie Baby in your collection, as insurance claim adjusters will need this information should the worst happen.
Water can damage your valuables, so make sure to secure all of your Beanie Babies—particularly your mints and rares—in sealed, airtight plastic bags and tie them onto rafters or ceiling hooks to keep them far from the floor.
Contrary to what you may believe, aquatic Beanies like Swampy and Anchor are still vulnerable to floodwater and therefore must be waterproofed just like the others.
In the event that FEMA officials come to your home, hide in your basement and stay quiet. The agents will likely only try to get you to evacuate and leave your collection behind. Wingless Quackers aren’t even produced any more, for goodness sake, and can’t be left alone.
Should extreme flooding prompt a National Guard helicopter rescue, move to the roof of your home and refuse to climb into the lowered basket until each Beanie has been safely strapped in and hoisted aboard.
During the course of evacuation, you may discover that one of your Beanie’s Ty tags ripped off or got lost in floodwaters. Immediately begin retracing your steps until they are found. A Beanie without its Ty tag is worthless.
Above all, stay informed. If a hurricane is on the horizon, learn as much as you can about how it could affect your BBs. Don’t be afraid to contact the police or fire department for advice on how to keep your little guys safe. And get other people involved, too. Everyone, including small children and the elderly, should know exactly what they’ll be doing to keep your Beanie Babies and Teenie Beanies safe.
Hurricane season will be here before you know it. The time to prepare is now!

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