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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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In God We Trust: The All-Time Sexiest Dimes

This little stunner might only be 1/10 of a dollar, but she’s got 100% of our attention.
This baby must be fresh out of the mint because it’s scorching hot.
91.67% copper. Voluptuous 17-millimeter frame. Um, is it hot in here, or is it just us?
Just think: Some lucky bastard gets to walk around with this sultry specimen in his pocket.
It’s hard not to be jealous of this timeless beauty. Sixty-seven years old and this dime still rocks a killer figure. Case in point: those gorgeous denticles.
The U.S. Mint must have had sex on the brain when they printed this dime. How can you explain that knockout rim and swoon-worthy bas-relief?
If the tails side of this dime is as sexy as its obverse side, you can bet we’re going to go crazy on this dime.
Is it wrong to fantasize about bedding this dime?
The quintessential dime next door. Olive branch + torch + oak branch = we need a cold shower.
Sorry, folks, but this dime is taken.

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