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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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In God We Trust: The All-Time Sexiest Dimes

This little stunner might only be 1/10 of a dollar, but she’s got 100% of our attention.
This baby must be fresh out of the mint because it’s scorching hot.
91.67% copper. Voluptuous 17-millimeter frame. Um, is it hot in here, or is it just us?
Just think: Some lucky bastard gets to walk around with this sultry specimen in his pocket.
It’s hard not to be jealous of this timeless beauty. Sixty-seven years old and this dime still rocks a killer figure. Case in point: those gorgeous denticles.
The U.S. Mint must have had sex on the brain when they printed this dime. How can you explain that knockout rim and swoon-worthy bas-relief?
If the tails side of this dime is as sexy as its obverse side, you can bet we’re going to go crazy on this dime.
Is it wrong to fantasize about bedding this dime?
The quintessential dime next door. Olive branch + torch + oak branch = we need a cold shower.
Sorry, folks, but this dime is taken.

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