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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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In God We Trust: The All-Time Sexiest Dimes

This little stunner might only be 1/10 of a dollar, but she’s got 100% of our attention.
This baby must be fresh out of the mint because it’s scorching hot.
91.67% copper. Voluptuous 17-millimeter frame. Um, is it hot in here, or is it just us?
Just think: Some lucky bastard gets to walk around with this sultry specimen in his pocket.
It’s hard not to be jealous of this timeless beauty. Sixty-seven years old and this dime still rocks a killer figure. Case in point: those gorgeous denticles.
The U.S. Mint must have had sex on the brain when they printed this dime. How can you explain that knockout rim and swoon-worthy bas-relief?
If the tails side of this dime is as sexy as its obverse side, you can bet we’re going to go crazy on this dime.
Is it wrong to fantasize about bedding this dime?
The quintessential dime next door. Olive branch + torch + oak branch = we need a cold shower.
Sorry, folks, but this dime is taken.
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