adBlockCheck

Recent News

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
End Of Section
  • More News

Innovative Products

Old El Paso Introduces Emergency Taco Kit
Genetically Modified Chicken Lays Its Own Dipping Sauce
Nabisco Introduces X-treme Salt-Assault Saltines
New Swiss Army Phone May Pose Health Risks
Mesquite BBQ Visine Selling Poorly Outside Texas
Michelin Introduces Tires For Women
Sprite Introduces Cola-Flavored Sprite
Proctor & Gamble Introduces Home Menstruation Test
Speed Stick Now Available In Neapolitan
New ‘Toastables’ Offers Microwavable Pre-Toasted Bread
Sales Of Guys Gone Wild Video Disappointing
New Ronco Food Exposer Spoils Food Overnight
New Ford SUV Holds Eight Passengers And Their SUVs
New Grill To Revive Forman-Ali Rivalry
General Motors Reports Record Sales Of New Disposable Car
Cottonelle Introduces New ‘Piping-Hot’ Toilet Tissue
Denny's Introduces 'Just A Humongous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat'
New Spiritually Correct Doll Lets Children Show Where And How Jesus Touched Them
Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns
Nabisco Discontinues Wheat Thicks
New Toxic Waste By-Product Contains No Fat
World Hunger: Can New Frito-Lay Zestitos Solve The Problem?
Home Homosexuality Test Now available
New Aspershirt Relieves Torso Pain
McDonald’s Unveils New All-Beef Bun

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close