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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Innovative Products

Old El Paso Introduces Emergency Taco Kit
Genetically Modified Chicken Lays Its Own Dipping Sauce
Nabisco Introduces X-treme Salt-Assault Saltines
New Swiss Army Phone May Pose Health Risks
Mesquite BBQ Visine Selling Poorly Outside Texas
Michelin Introduces Tires For Women
Sprite Introduces Cola-Flavored Sprite
Proctor & Gamble Introduces Home Menstruation Test
Speed Stick Now Available In Neapolitan
New ‘Toastables’ Offers Microwavable Pre-Toasted Bread
Sales Of Guys Gone Wild Video Disappointing
New Ronco Food Exposer Spoils Food Overnight
New Ford SUV Holds Eight Passengers And Their SUVs
New Grill To Revive Forman-Ali Rivalry
General Motors Reports Record Sales Of New Disposable Car
Cottonelle Introduces New ‘Piping-Hot’ Toilet Tissue
Denny's Introduces 'Just A Humongous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat'
New Spiritually Correct Doll Lets Children Show Where And How Jesus Touched Them
Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns
Nabisco Discontinues Wheat Thicks
New Toxic Waste By-Product Contains No Fat
World Hunger: Can New Frito-Lay Zestitos Solve The Problem?
Home Homosexuality Test Now available
New Aspershirt Relieves Torso Pain
McDonald’s Unveils New All-Beef Bun