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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?
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Old El Paso Introduces Emergency Taco Kit
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New Swiss Army Phone May Pose Health Risks
Mesquite BBQ Visine Selling Poorly Outside Texas
Michelin Introduces Tires For Women
Sprite Introduces Cola-Flavored Sprite
Proctor & Gamble Introduces Home Menstruation Test
Speed Stick Now Available In Neapolitan
New ‘Toastables’ Offers Microwavable Pre-Toasted Bread
Sales Of Guys Gone Wild Video Disappointing
New Ronco Food Exposer Spoils Food Overnight
New Ford SUV Holds Eight Passengers And Their SUVs
New Grill To Revive Forman-Ali Rivalry
General Motors Reports Record Sales Of New Disposable Car
Cottonelle Introduces New ‘Piping-Hot’ Toilet Tissue
Denny's Introduces 'Just A Humongous Bucket Of Eggs And Meat'
New Spiritually Correct Doll Lets Children Show Where And How Jesus Touched Them
Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns
Nabisco Discontinues Wheat Thicks
New Toxic Waste By-Product Contains No Fat
World Hunger: Can New Frito-Lay Zestitos Solve The Problem?
Home Homosexuality Test Now available
New Aspershirt Relieves Torso Pain
McDonald’s Unveils New All-Beef Bun

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