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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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Names For William H. Macy Around The World

Most Spanish women keep a portrait of William H. Macy, or Williamcito, on their living room wall. On the altar below it, they will light one additional candle each day during the 30 days leading up to his birthday.
Among the Chuukese people of Micronesia, there is technically no spoken or written form of “William H. Macy,” though the actor is referred to indirectly as “The slight man who starred in The Cooler.”
In Denmark, the Emmy Award winner is known as Wilhelmincey, a kindly aged gnome accompanied at all times by seven courtly monkeys who assist him with his acting.
In Romania, William H. Macy is known as Steaua Printre Stele, or “Star Among Stars,” and is often represented by a mischievous town elder who dresses up in a mask and pins lines from Seabiscuit to the back of children’s shirts.
Though the Turkic peoples of the remote Kirghiz Steppe do not prohibit spelling out the name of William H. Macy per se, most of the population strictly avoids writing the name of the exalted actor as a sign of respect, choosing instead to substitute dashes or empty space in place of letters and regarding him solely as W------ H. M---.
Namibian children have long known of the trickster sprite Willo Mace, who is said to have bamboozled the elephant Tumbo out of his oranges and earned a Best Supporting Actor nomination in 1997.
In China, citizens use thousands of code names for the actor, such as Straw-Haired Idol, He Of Convincing Emotion, and The Western Serpent, as speaking the name William H. Macy can lead to imprisonment and forced labor by government officials.
Children in the United Kingdom have delighted for ages at the antics of Sir Willy Wumpkins, a blundering knight who distributes DVDs of Mr. Holland’s Opus only to those who are pure of heart.
In the United States, many entertainers are advised to anglicize their names to appeal to a broader audience, which is why many in America only know the actor by his anglicized name, William. H. Matson.
Ghanaians do not refer to William H. Macy by name, but by a sweeping hand gesture known as fufuli. When fufuli is made, it is customary for all in the village to bow their heads and give thanks.
Among the Inughuit people of northern Greenland, the name William H. Macy is pronounced “Alan Alda.”

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