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What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Zales Introduces New Line Of Casual Dating Diamond Rings

IRVING, TX—In a move aimed at reaching the millions of Americans just having a little fun for now, jewelry retailer Zales announced Thursday that it has expanded its product line to include a brand-new collection of diamond casual dating rings.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.
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Names For William H. Macy Around The World

Most Spanish women keep a portrait of William H. Macy, or Williamcito, on their living room wall. On the altar below it, they will light one additional candle each day during the 30 days leading up to his birthday.
Among the Chuukese people of Micronesia, there is technically no spoken or written form of “William H. Macy,” though the actor is referred to indirectly as “The slight man who starred in The Cooler.”
In Denmark, the Emmy Award winner is known as Wilhelmincey, a kindly aged gnome accompanied at all times by seven courtly monkeys who assist him with his acting.
In Romania, William H. Macy is known as Steaua Printre Stele, or “Star Among Stars,” and is often represented by a mischievous town elder who dresses up in a mask and pins lines from Seabiscuit to the back of children’s shirts.
Though the Turkic peoples of the remote Kirghiz Steppe do not prohibit spelling out the name of William H. Macy per se, most of the population strictly avoids writing the name of the exalted actor as a sign of respect, choosing instead to substitute dashes or empty space in place of letters and regarding him solely as W------ H. M---.
Namibian children have long known of the trickster sprite Willo Mace, who is said to have bamboozled the elephant Tumbo out of his oranges and earned a Best Supporting Actor nomination in 1997.
In China, citizens use thousands of code names for the actor, such as Straw-Haired Idol, He Of Convincing Emotion, and The Western Serpent, as speaking the name William H. Macy can lead to imprisonment and forced labor by government officials.
Children in the United Kingdom have delighted for ages at the antics of Sir Willy Wumpkins, a blundering knight who distributes DVDs of Mr. Holland’s Opus only to those who are pure of heart.
In the United States, many entertainers are advised to anglicize their names to appeal to a broader audience, which is why many in America only know the actor by his anglicized name, William. H. Matson.
Ghanaians do not refer to William H. Macy by name, but by a sweeping hand gesture known as fufuli. When fufuli is made, it is customary for all in the village to bow their heads and give thanks.
Among the Inughuit people of northern Greenland, the name William H. Macy is pronounced “Alan Alda.”

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