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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Names For William H. Macy Around The World

Most Spanish women keep a portrait of William H. Macy, or Williamcito, on their living room wall. On the altar below it, they will light one additional candle each day during the 30 days leading up to his birthday.
Among the Chuukese people of Micronesia, there is technically no spoken or written form of “William H. Macy,” though the actor is referred to indirectly as “The slight man who starred in The Cooler.”
In Denmark, the Emmy Award winner is known as Wilhelmincey, a kindly aged gnome accompanied at all times by seven courtly monkeys who assist him with his acting.
In Romania, William H. Macy is known as Steaua Printre Stele, or “Star Among Stars,” and is often represented by a mischievous town elder who dresses up in a mask and pins lines from Seabiscuit to the back of children’s shirts.
Though the Turkic peoples of the remote Kirghiz Steppe do not prohibit spelling out the name of William H. Macy per se, most of the population strictly avoids writing the name of the exalted actor as a sign of respect, choosing instead to substitute dashes or empty space in place of letters and regarding him solely as W------ H. M---.
Namibian children have long known of the trickster sprite Willo Mace, who is said to have bamboozled the elephant Tumbo out of his oranges and earned a Best Supporting Actor nomination in 1997.
In China, citizens use thousands of code names for the actor, such as Straw-Haired Idol, He Of Convincing Emotion, and The Western Serpent, as speaking the name William H. Macy can lead to imprisonment and forced labor by government officials.
Children in the United Kingdom have delighted for ages at the antics of Sir Willy Wumpkins, a blundering knight who distributes DVDs of Mr. Holland’s Opus only to those who are pure of heart.
In the United States, many entertainers are advised to anglicize their names to appeal to a broader audience, which is why many in America only know the actor by his anglicized name, William. H. Matson.
Ghanaians do not refer to William H. Macy by name, but by a sweeping hand gesture known as fufuli. When fufuli is made, it is customary for all in the village to bow their heads and give thanks.
Among the Inughuit people of northern Greenland, the name William H. Macy is pronounced “Alan Alda.”
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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