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Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Onion Sports' 2014 NFL Preview: AFC East

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC East.

Dolphins


Strengths: Blowout games less depressing in balmy high-70s afternoon; Emotional abuse

Weakness: Locker room lacks championship-caliber enforcer

Key Player: Third-year quarterback Ryan Tannehill incredibly adept at controlling tempo of Dolphins’ three-and-out drives

Roster: Strong nucleus of loathsome fuckheads to build around

Team Chemistry: Dolphins locker room will return to normalcy after departure of troublemaker Jonathan Martin

Management Goal: Move franchise to new stadium away from current strip mall location

Offensive Strategy: Hope the other team fucks up

Fun Fact: Dolphins only franchise to have ever played perfect season through to Super Bowl win, something rarely mentioned by players from that team

OSN Analysis: Expect the Dolphins to get off to incredibly quick start to looking ahead to next season

Jets


Strengths: Geno Smith gifted with strong game-throwing arm; Hometown media provides endless stream of useful critiques and suggestions for improvement

Weakness: Team still attempting to recover after losing powerful in-game presence and dynamic playmaking abilities of Fireman Ed

Roster: Contains several promising young silver linings

Key Offseason Acquisition: New wide receiver Eric Decker is fantastic target for any quarterback possessing abilities of Peyton Manning

Team History: Founded in 1825 as one of nation’s 16 land-grant football franchises

Crowd Chant: J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Je—Fuck! Goddammit!

Stadium: Fans create incredible atmosphere when loudly booing team off field

Player To Watch: D’Brickashaw Ferguson will be torn between doing what’s best for team and protecting Geno Smith’s blind side

Years Until Team Can Ruin Another Promising College Quarterback’s NFL Career: Two

Bills


Strengths: EJ Manuel now entering second year in same terrible system; Franchise provides eight linebacking jobs for struggling city of Buffalo

Weakness: Team could actually benefit from ownership of Jon Bon Jovi

Roster: EJ Manuel and C.J. Spiller are key to restoring Bills to glory days of getting blown out in Super Bowl every year

Key Rookie: Sammy Watkins has the ability to get open downfield and watch his quarterback get sacked

Biggest Question: Who the fuck will be dumb enough to buy this garbage heap of a franchise?

Long-Term Strategy: Continue sucking until Super Bowl-contending roster eventually materializes in locker room

Schedule: Week 9 bye comes at perfect time for players to start planning January vacations

Fun Fact: Toronto is big market with incredibly passionate fans who would love an NFL franchise

Movie To Begin Watching Halfway Through Second Quarter: The Game (rated R, 129 min.)—A wealthy middle-aged man (Michael Douglas) enters into a dangerous real-world game of cat and mouse where no one can be trusted and nothing is as it seems

Patriots


Strength: Is the AFC East team that has its shit together

Weaknesses: Concept of “The Patriot Way” might possibly be meaningless cover to obscure years of rampant cheating; Team still using incredibly outdated schemes based on opponents’ 2009 playbooks

Unofficial Mascot: Malthus, Earl of Hell, Commander of Demons

Key Witnesses: Bill Belichick, former tight ends coach Brian Ferentz, everyone at the Cure Lounge during the early morning hours of July 16, 2012

Key Offseason Acquisition: Darrelle Revis is expected to thrive under Belichick once fully recovered from his oath of fealty ceremony

Goal: Engender hatred amongst country’s remaining 200 holdouts

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