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Onion Sports' 2014 NFL Preview: AFC East

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Onion Sports' 2014 NFL Preview: AFC East

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC East.

Dolphins


Strengths: Blowout games less depressing in balmy high-70s afternoon; Emotional abuse

Weakness: Locker room lacks championship-caliber enforcer

Key Player: Third-year quarterback Ryan Tannehill incredibly adept at controlling tempo of Dolphins’ three-and-out drives

Roster: Strong nucleus of loathsome fuckheads to build around

Team Chemistry: Dolphins locker room will return to normalcy after departure of troublemaker Jonathan Martin

Management Goal: Move franchise to new stadium away from current strip mall location

Offensive Strategy: Hope the other team fucks up

Fun Fact: Dolphins only franchise to have ever played perfect season through to Super Bowl win, something rarely mentioned by players from that team

OSN Analysis: Expect the Dolphins to get off to incredibly quick start to looking ahead to next season

Jets


Strengths: Geno Smith gifted with strong game-throwing arm; Hometown media provides endless stream of useful critiques and suggestions for improvement

Weakness: Team still attempting to recover after losing powerful in-game presence and dynamic playmaking abilities of Fireman Ed

Roster: Contains several promising young silver linings

Key Offseason Acquisition: New wide receiver Eric Decker is fantastic target for any quarterback possessing abilities of Peyton Manning

Team History: Founded in 1825 as one of nation’s 16 land-grant football franchises

Crowd Chant: J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Je—Fuck! Goddammit!

Stadium: Fans create incredible atmosphere when loudly booing team off field

Player To Watch: D’Brickashaw Ferguson will be torn between doing what’s best for team and protecting Geno Smith’s blind side

Years Until Team Can Ruin Another Promising College Quarterback’s NFL Career: Two

Bills


Strengths: EJ Manuel now entering second year in same terrible system; Franchise provides eight linebacking jobs for struggling city of Buffalo

Weakness: Team could actually benefit from ownership of Jon Bon Jovi

Roster: EJ Manuel and C.J. Spiller are key to restoring Bills to glory days of getting blown out in Super Bowl every year

Key Rookie: Sammy Watkins has the ability to get open downfield and watch his quarterback get sacked

Biggest Question: Who the fuck will be dumb enough to buy this garbage heap of a franchise?

Long-Term Strategy: Continue sucking until Super Bowl-contending roster eventually materializes in locker room

Schedule: Week 9 bye comes at perfect time for players to start planning January vacations

Fun Fact: Toronto is big market with incredibly passionate fans who would love an NFL franchise

Movie To Begin Watching Halfway Through Second Quarter: The Game (rated R, 129 min.)—A wealthy middle-aged man (Michael Douglas) enters into a dangerous real-world game of cat and mouse where no one can be trusted and nothing is as it seems

Patriots


Strength: Is the AFC East team that has its shit together

Weaknesses: Concept of “The Patriot Way” might possibly be meaningless cover to obscure years of rampant cheating; Team still using incredibly outdated schemes based on opponents’ 2009 playbooks

Unofficial Mascot: Malthus, Earl of Hell, Commander of Demons

Key Witnesses: Bill Belichick, former tight ends coach Brian Ferentz, everyone at the Cure Lounge during the early morning hours of July 16, 2012

Key Offseason Acquisition: Darrelle Revis is expected to thrive under Belichick once fully recovered from his oath of fealty ceremony

Goal: Engender hatred amongst country’s remaining 200 holdouts

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