Onion Sports' 2014 NFL Preview: AFC East

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Onion Sports' 2014 NFL Preview: AFC East

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC East.

Dolphins


Strengths: Blowout games less depressing in balmy high-70s afternoon; Emotional abuse

Weakness: Locker room lacks championship-caliber enforcer

Key Player: Third-year quarterback Ryan Tannehill incredibly adept at controlling tempo of Dolphins’ three-and-out drives

Roster: Strong nucleus of loathsome fuckheads to build around

Team Chemistry: Dolphins locker room will return to normalcy after departure of troublemaker Jonathan Martin

Management Goal: Move franchise to new stadium away from current strip mall location

Offensive Strategy: Hope the other team fucks up

Fun Fact: Dolphins only franchise to have ever played perfect season through to Super Bowl win, something rarely mentioned by players from that team

OSN Analysis: Expect the Dolphins to get off to incredibly quick start to looking ahead to next season

Jets


Strengths: Geno Smith gifted with strong game-throwing arm; Hometown media provides endless stream of useful critiques and suggestions for improvement

Weakness: Team still attempting to recover after losing powerful in-game presence and dynamic playmaking abilities of Fireman Ed

Roster: Contains several promising young silver linings

Key Offseason Acquisition: New wide receiver Eric Decker is fantastic target for any quarterback possessing abilities of Peyton Manning

Team History: Founded in 1825 as one of nation’s 16 land-grant football franchises

Crowd Chant: J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Je—Fuck! Goddammit!

Stadium: Fans create incredible atmosphere when loudly booing team off field

Player To Watch: D’Brickashaw Ferguson will be torn between doing what’s best for team and protecting Geno Smith’s blind side

Years Until Team Can Ruin Another Promising College Quarterback’s NFL Career: Two

Bills


Strengths: EJ Manuel now entering second year in same terrible system; Franchise provides eight linebacking jobs for struggling city of Buffalo

Weakness: Team could actually benefit from ownership of Jon Bon Jovi

Roster: EJ Manuel and C.J. Spiller are key to restoring Bills to glory days of getting blown out in Super Bowl every year

Key Rookie: Sammy Watkins has the ability to get open downfield and watch his quarterback get sacked

Biggest Question: Who the fuck will be dumb enough to buy this garbage heap of a franchise?

Long-Term Strategy: Continue sucking until Super Bowl-contending roster eventually materializes in locker room

Schedule: Week 9 bye comes at perfect time for players to start planning January vacations

Fun Fact: Toronto is big market with incredibly passionate fans who would love an NFL franchise

Movie To Begin Watching Halfway Through Second Quarter: The Game (rated R, 129 min.)—A wealthy middle-aged man (Michael Douglas) enters into a dangerous real-world game of cat and mouse where no one can be trusted and nothing is as it seems

Patriots


Strength: Is the AFC East team that has its shit together

Weaknesses: Concept of “The Patriot Way” might possibly be meaningless cover to obscure years of rampant cheating; Team still using incredibly outdated schemes based on opponents’ 2009 playbooks

Unofficial Mascot: Malthus, Earl of Hell, Commander of Demons

Key Witnesses: Bill Belichick, former tight ends coach Brian Ferentz, everyone at the Cure Lounge during the early morning hours of July 16, 2012

Key Offseason Acquisition: Darrelle Revis is expected to thrive under Belichick once fully recovered from his oath of fealty ceremony

Goal: Engender hatred amongst country’s remaining 200 holdouts
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