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Sports

Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Onion Sports' 2014 NFL Preview: AFC East

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With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC East.

Dolphins


Strengths: Blowout games less depressing in balmy high-70s afternoon; Emotional abuse

Weakness: Locker room lacks championship-caliber enforcer

Key Player: Third-year quarterback Ryan Tannehill incredibly adept at controlling tempo of Dolphins’ three-and-out drives

Roster: Strong nucleus of loathsome fuckheads to build around

Team Chemistry: Dolphins locker room will return to normalcy after departure of troublemaker Jonathan Martin

Management Goal: Move franchise to new stadium away from current strip mall location

Offensive Strategy: Hope the other team fucks up

Fun Fact: Dolphins only franchise to have ever played perfect season through to Super Bowl win, something rarely mentioned by players from that team

OSN Analysis: Expect the Dolphins to get off to incredibly quick start to looking ahead to next season

Jets


Strengths: Geno Smith gifted with strong game-throwing arm; Hometown media provides endless stream of useful critiques and suggestions for improvement

Weakness: Team still attempting to recover after losing powerful in-game presence and dynamic playmaking abilities of Fireman Ed

Roster: Contains several promising young silver linings

Key Offseason Acquisition: New wide receiver Eric Decker is fantastic target for any quarterback possessing abilities of Peyton Manning

Team History: Founded in 1825 as one of nation’s 16 land-grant football franchises

Crowd Chant: J-E-T-S, Jets! Jets! Je—Fuck! Goddammit!

Stadium: Fans create incredible atmosphere when loudly booing team off field

Player To Watch: D’Brickashaw Ferguson will be torn between doing what’s best for team and protecting Geno Smith’s blind side

Years Until Team Can Ruin Another Promising College Quarterback’s NFL Career: Two

Bills


Strengths: EJ Manuel now entering second year in same terrible system; Franchise provides eight linebacking jobs for struggling city of Buffalo

Weakness: Team could actually benefit from ownership of Jon Bon Jovi

Roster: EJ Manuel and C.J. Spiller are key to restoring Bills to glory days of getting blown out in Super Bowl every year

Key Rookie: Sammy Watkins has the ability to get open downfield and watch his quarterback get sacked

Biggest Question: Who the fuck will be dumb enough to buy this garbage heap of a franchise?

Long-Term Strategy: Continue sucking until Super Bowl-contending roster eventually materializes in locker room

Schedule: Week 9 bye comes at perfect time for players to start planning January vacations

Fun Fact: Toronto is big market with incredibly passionate fans who would love an NFL franchise

Movie To Begin Watching Halfway Through Second Quarter: The Game (rated R, 129 min.)—A wealthy middle-aged man (Michael Douglas) enters into a dangerous real-world game of cat and mouse where no one can be trusted and nothing is as it seems

Patriots


Strength: Is the AFC East team that has its shit together

Weaknesses: Concept of “The Patriot Way” might possibly be meaningless cover to obscure years of rampant cheating; Team still using incredibly outdated schemes based on opponents’ 2009 playbooks

Unofficial Mascot: Malthus, Earl of Hell, Commander of Demons

Key Witnesses: Bill Belichick, former tight ends coach Brian Ferentz, everyone at the Cure Lounge during the early morning hours of July 16, 2012

Key Offseason Acquisition: Darrelle Revis is expected to thrive under Belichick once fully recovered from his oath of fealty ceremony

Goal: Engender hatred amongst country’s remaining 200 holdouts

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