Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC North

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Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC North

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC North.


Strength: Team has consistently rallied around utter disdain for Ben Roethlisberger

Weaknesses: Terrible Towels lack absorbency; At age 32, Roethlisberger may be losing edge as one of league’s premier assailants

Key Offseason Departure: Sting of losing wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders to Denver soothed by realization that he’s probably better off with Broncos anyway

OSN Stat: Ike Taylor has turned a year older in each of his last 12 seasons

Key Coaching Acquisition: New defensive assistant and former Steelers linebacker Joey Porter primed to bring sheer hatred of mankind to new role

Player To Watch: Troy Polamalu is a player you still recognize


Strengths: No offseason distractions that fans care about; Ray Rice incredibly nimble when avoiding basic standards of human decency

Weakness: Team apparently missing moral compass of Ray Lewis

Roster: Significant depth at positions where suspensions most likely

OSN Stat: Ray Rice needs just 1,400 yards to become good person again

Biggest Advantage: NFL’s outlook on domestic violence prior to August 28, 2014

Goal: Prove last year was fluke by going 8-8 and making playoffs

Biggest Question: Is Steve Smith desperate enough to develop chemistry with fucking Joe Flacco?

Number Of Players On Roster Who Know Team Name Is Literary Reference: Two

Fun Fact: Much like Australia, the Ravens were originally a prison colony


Strengths: Slim possibility AJ McCarron pushes Andy Dalton beyond mediocrity; Small, nimble running back Giovani Bernard capable of squeezing through gaps between blades of grass

Weakness: Games with any sort of meaning attached

Key To Success: Andy Dalton will need to have a short memory in order to forget about previous 1,630 throws

OSN Stat: More than 83 percent of Bengals’ offensive plays are designed for third and long

Fun Fact: If you stare at players’ helmets long enough, you’ll see a spaceship

Goal: Second-round playoff exit


Strengths: Distractions from Johnny Manziel should provide welcome change of pace from Josh Gordon distractions; Authorized to play against other NFL teams and, at least in theory, compete for spot in playoffs

Weakness: Job security completely foreign concept to anyone who coaches, plays, roots for team

Johnny Manziel: Johnny Manziel

Biggest Advantage: Fact that Browns’ starting quarterback Brian Hoyer is hometown kid from Ohio will greatly improve his ability as an NFL quarterback

Coach: Experience as Browns head coach will be invaluable to Mike Pettine during future defensive coordinator jobs

Number Of Cameras Currently On Johnny Manziel: 12

OSN Stat: The average Browns coaching search stops one candidate shy of the correct choice

Biggest Offseason Rumor: Browns incredibly close to agreeing to trade with 49ers to ruin Jim Harbaugh’s coaching career

Fun Fact: Our society is designed to reward someone like Johnny Manziel

OSN Analysis: Cleveland’s championship hopes rest entirely on LeBron James


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