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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC North

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With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC North.

Steelers


Strength: Team has consistently rallied around utter disdain for Ben Roethlisberger

Weaknesses: Terrible Towels lack absorbency; At age 32, Roethlisberger may be losing edge as one of league’s premier assailants

Key Offseason Departure: Sting of losing wide receiver Emmanuel Sanders to Denver soothed by realization that he’s probably better off with Broncos anyway

OSN Stat: Ike Taylor has turned a year older in each of his last 12 seasons

Key Coaching Acquisition: New defensive assistant and former Steelers linebacker Joey Porter primed to bring sheer hatred of mankind to new role

Player To Watch: Troy Polamalu is a player you still recognize

Ravens


Strengths: No offseason distractions that fans care about; Ray Rice incredibly nimble when avoiding basic standards of human decency

Weakness: Team apparently missing moral compass of Ray Lewis

Roster: Significant depth at positions where suspensions most likely

OSN Stat: Ray Rice needs just 1,400 yards to become good person again

Biggest Advantage: NFL’s outlook on domestic violence prior to August 28, 2014

Goal: Prove last year was fluke by going 8-8 and making playoffs

Biggest Question: Is Steve Smith desperate enough to develop chemistry with fucking Joe Flacco?

Number Of Players On Roster Who Know Team Name Is Literary Reference: Two

Fun Fact: Much like Australia, the Ravens were originally a prison colony

Bengals


Strengths: Slim possibility AJ McCarron pushes Andy Dalton beyond mediocrity; Small, nimble running back Giovani Bernard capable of squeezing through gaps between blades of grass

Weakness: Games with any sort of meaning attached

Key To Success: Andy Dalton will need to have a short memory in order to forget about previous 1,630 throws

OSN Stat: More than 83 percent of Bengals’ offensive plays are designed for third and long

Fun Fact: If you stare at players’ helmets long enough, you’ll see a spaceship

Goal: Second-round playoff exit

Browns


Strengths: Distractions from Johnny Manziel should provide welcome change of pace from Josh Gordon distractions; Authorized to play against other NFL teams and, at least in theory, compete for spot in playoffs

Weakness: Job security completely foreign concept to anyone who coaches, plays, roots for team

Johnny Manziel: Johnny Manziel

Biggest Advantage: Fact that Browns’ starting quarterback Brian Hoyer is hometown kid from Ohio will greatly improve his ability as an NFL quarterback

Coach: Experience as Browns head coach will be invaluable to Mike Pettine during future defensive coordinator jobs

Number Of Cameras Currently On Johnny Manziel: 12

OSN Stat: The average Browns coaching search stops one candidate shy of the correct choice

Biggest Offseason Rumor: Browns incredibly close to agreeing to trade with 49ers to ruin Jim Harbaugh’s coaching career

Fun Fact: Our society is designed to reward someone like Johnny Manziel

OSN Analysis: Cleveland’s championship hopes rest entirely on LeBron James

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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