Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC West

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC West.


Strengths Have what it takes to close out games late in first quarter; Roster ready to get to work and focus on constantly reliving memories of humiliating Super Bowl defeat; Broncos GM John Elway took away positives from last season’s Super Bowl loss, such as fact that Tim Tebow still unemployed

Weakness: Properly hiking ball on first goddamn play of Super Bowl

Strategy: Team embraces the old football adage, “High-octane offense and questionable defense win championships”

Offseason: Peyton Manning meticulously prepared to break as many passing records as needed to win Super Bowl

Biggest Question: Will Von Miller’s supporting cast be able to supply enough urine?

Coaching Philosophy: Autopilot

Projected Number Of Audibles Over Season: 3,197

Projected Cost Of CT Scans For Wes Welker Over Season: $23,700

Secret Weapon: Peyton Manning


Strengths: Offense incredibly fast while running to sideline after third down; Slowly building one of the NFL’s best grounds crews

Weakness: Acquisition of Brandon Flowers will only make other 10 players on defense appear that much worse

Player To Watch: At 34 years old, Dwight Freeney is reaching prime age for a defensive line coach

Goal: Make more fans grudgingly admire Philip Rivers

Years Left On Philip Rivers’ Contract: 17

OSN Analysis: While the AFC West is one of the league’s most formidable divisions, should the Chargers succeed in—Wait, why are we ignoring the fact that the Chargers killed Junior Seau? They fucking murdered him. They brought him in, allowed him to lead them to a Super Bowl, and then cast him aside like an old, rusty toy. Fucking abominable. You people should all be ashamed of yourselves.


Strength: Andy Reid serves as a constant reminder to players about consequences of their life choices

Weaknesses: Alex Smith’s peripheral vision still assuming left tackle must be oncoming pass rusher; Suspension of Donald Stephenson for PED use casts black eye on NFL from which league may never recover

Toughest Part Of Schedule: Weeks 1 through 5, 7 through 17

Key Addition: Several hundred thousand bandwagon fans

Offensive Strategy: Jamaal Charles


Strengths: Willingness to fight for every penalty yard; Failed regime just about ready to end so new regime can start, fail, and then end

Weakness: Tendency to allow opposing teams to score over 35 points

Roster: Many key players hobbled by clunky ankle monitors

Key Position Battle: Matt Schaub and Derek Carr should compete heavily for Raiders fans’ hatred

Strategy: Defensive scheme ensures Raiders offense gets ball quickly no matter who receives opening kickoff


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