Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC West

Top Headlines


Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: AFC West

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the AFC West.


Strengths Have what it takes to close out games late in first quarter; Roster ready to get to work and focus on constantly reliving memories of humiliating Super Bowl defeat; Broncos GM John Elway took away positives from last season’s Super Bowl loss, such as fact that Tim Tebow still unemployed

Weakness: Properly hiking ball on first goddamn play of Super Bowl

Strategy: Team embraces the old football adage, “High-octane offense and questionable defense win championships”

Offseason: Peyton Manning meticulously prepared to break as many passing records as needed to win Super Bowl

Biggest Question: Will Von Miller’s supporting cast be able to supply enough urine?

Coaching Philosophy: Autopilot

Projected Number Of Audibles Over Season: 3,197

Projected Cost Of CT Scans For Wes Welker Over Season: $23,700

Secret Weapon: Peyton Manning


Strengths: Offense incredibly fast while running to sideline after third down; Slowly building one of the NFL’s best grounds crews

Weakness: Acquisition of Brandon Flowers will only make other 10 players on defense appear that much worse

Player To Watch: At 34 years old, Dwight Freeney is reaching prime age for a defensive line coach

Goal: Make more fans grudgingly admire Philip Rivers

Years Left On Philip Rivers’ Contract: 17

OSN Analysis: While the AFC West is one of the league’s most formidable divisions, should the Chargers succeed in—Wait, why are we ignoring the fact that the Chargers killed Junior Seau? They fucking murdered him. They brought him in, allowed him to lead them to a Super Bowl, and then cast him aside like an old, rusty toy. Fucking abominable. You people should all be ashamed of yourselves.


Strength: Andy Reid serves as a constant reminder to players about consequences of their life choices

Weaknesses: Alex Smith’s peripheral vision still assuming left tackle must be oncoming pass rusher; Suspension of Donald Stephenson for PED use casts black eye on NFL from which league may never recover

Toughest Part Of Schedule: Weeks 1 through 5, 7 through 17

Key Addition: Several hundred thousand bandwagon fans

Offensive Strategy: Jamaal Charles


Strengths: Willingness to fight for every penalty yard; Failed regime just about ready to end so new regime can start, fail, and then end

Weakness: Tendency to allow opposing teams to score over 35 points

Roster: Many key players hobbled by clunky ankle monitors

Key Position Battle: Matt Schaub and Derek Carr should compete heavily for Raiders fans’ hatred

Strategy: Defensive scheme ensures Raiders offense gets ball quickly no matter who receives opening kickoff


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