Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC East

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC East

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the NFC East.


Strength: Head coach Jason Garrett proved he has what it takes to win back his job late in season

Weaknesses: Owner willing to lend all his time, money, and expertise to team; Opponents could potentially exploit holes in Cowboys defense by running, passing ball

Offensive System: Based heavily on yards after the lucky catch

OSN Stat: Running back DeMarco Murray could set franchise record for most yards run in team’s rehabilitation pool

Key Coaching Acquisition: New passing coordinator Scott Linehan can take Tony Romo to next level of mediocrity

OSN Analysis: 2012 could prove to be make-or-break year for Tony Romo

Fans: Best in league at droning on endlessly about dynasty that ended 20 years ago

OSN Projection: Cowboys have potential to shock the league by being even shittier than last season


Strength: Tom Coughlin still looking strong in his 140th year

Weakness: Team looking great in the preseason

Key Player: Eli Manning should continue to let his play do the muttering

Key Matchup: Must venture into the crucible that is EverBank Field to face Jaguars on Nov. 30

Offseason Preparation: Manning spent summer getting to know receivers who will constantly infuriate him over the next four months

Goal: Provide some healing to New York City residents who endured horrific 2013 Giants season

Number Of Years Tom Coughlin Has Left In Career, Life: Six

Key Offseason Departure: Lost defensive end Justin Tuck to the Raiders, leaving team to fill huge void of unfulfilled potential

Biggest Secret: Deep down, Eli Manning really enjoyed watching older brother Peyton get his ass kicked in Super Bowl XLVIII

Projected 2014 Record: Better than they actually are


Strength: High-tempo offense eliminates back-and-forth strategy debates found in most huddles

Weakness: Fans have nothing going on in lives to distract them from team’s playoff performances

Biggest Advantage: Going up against best the NFC East has to offer

Strategy: Expect incredibly quick, fast-paced excuses from Chip Kelly after his system fails in playoffs

Key Player: In Nick Foles, the Eagles have found the perfect white quarterback to lead their franchise

Roster: Now strong enough to honor Eagles’ historical tradition as perennial underachievers

Key Offseason Deal: Riley Cooper has just the right balance of athletic prowess and overt racism to warrant new five-year, $25 million contract

OSN Analysis: The Eagles are in perfect position to win the NFC East by default for the second straight year


Strengths: Capable of defending the run, pass, and blatant racism; Controversy surrounding team name and abhorrent owner should handily overshadow imminent 4-12 season

Weakness: PR

Big-Um Chief: Dan Snyder

Head Coach: Younger brother of the guy who won’t shut the fuck up during Monday Night Football

Roster: Backup quarterback Kirk Cousins ready to take over impossible expectations if RGIII struggles during season

Future Team Name: Washington Flash

Offensive Strategy: Put ball in RGIII’s hands and give him all the praise or blame for whatever happens next

Goal: Deflect some negative attention toward Chicago Blackhawks, Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves, Kansas City Chiefs


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