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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC East

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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC East

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the NFC East.

Cowboys


Strength: Head coach Jason Garrett proved he has what it takes to win back his job late in season

Weaknesses: Owner willing to lend all his time, money, and expertise to team; Opponents could potentially exploit holes in Cowboys defense by running, passing ball

Offensive System: Based heavily on yards after the lucky catch

OSN Stat: Running back DeMarco Murray could set franchise record for most yards run in team’s rehabilitation pool

Key Coaching Acquisition: New passing coordinator Scott Linehan can take Tony Romo to next level of mediocrity

OSN Analysis: 2012 could prove to be make-or-break year for Tony Romo

Fans: Best in league at droning on endlessly about dynasty that ended 20 years ago

OSN Projection: Cowboys have potential to shock the league by being even shittier than last season

Giants


Strength: Tom Coughlin still looking strong in his 140th year

Weakness: Team looking great in the preseason

Key Player: Eli Manning should continue to let his play do the muttering

Key Matchup: Must venture into the crucible that is EverBank Field to face Jaguars on Nov. 30

Offseason Preparation: Manning spent summer getting to know receivers who will constantly infuriate him over the next four months

Goal: Provide some healing to New York City residents who endured horrific 2013 Giants season

Number Of Years Tom Coughlin Has Left In Career, Life: Six

Key Offseason Departure: Lost defensive end Justin Tuck to the Raiders, leaving team to fill huge void of unfulfilled potential

Biggest Secret: Deep down, Eli Manning really enjoyed watching older brother Peyton get his ass kicked in Super Bowl XLVIII

Projected 2014 Record: Better than they actually are

Eagles


Strength: High-tempo offense eliminates back-and-forth strategy debates found in most huddles

Weakness: Fans have nothing going on in lives to distract them from team’s playoff performances

Biggest Advantage: Going up against best the NFC East has to offer

Strategy: Expect incredibly quick, fast-paced excuses from Chip Kelly after his system fails in playoffs

Key Player: In Nick Foles, the Eagles have found the perfect white quarterback to lead their franchise

Roster: Now strong enough to honor Eagles’ historical tradition as perennial underachievers

Key Offseason Deal: Riley Cooper has just the right balance of athletic prowess and overt racism to warrant new five-year, $25 million contract

OSN Analysis: The Eagles are in perfect position to win the NFC East by default for the second straight year

Redskins


Strengths: Capable of defending the run, pass, and blatant racism; Controversy surrounding team name and abhorrent owner should handily overshadow imminent 4-12 season

Weakness: PR

Big-Um Chief: Dan Snyder

Head Coach: Younger brother of the guy who won’t shut the fuck up during Monday Night Football

Roster: Backup quarterback Kirk Cousins ready to take over impossible expectations if RGIII struggles during season

Future Team Name: Washington Flash

Offensive Strategy: Put ball in RGIII’s hands and give him all the praise or blame for whatever happens next

Goal: Deflect some negative attention toward Chicago Blackhawks, Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves, Kansas City Chiefs

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