Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC East

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Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...

Notable Moves In NFL Free Agency

The first 72 hours of NFL free agency have ranked among the most frenzied and chaotic in league history, with a slew of high-profile players changing teams and signing record deals.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC East

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the NFC East.

Cowboys


Strength: Head coach Jason Garrett proved he has what it takes to win back his job late in season

Weaknesses: Owner willing to lend all his time, money, and expertise to team; Opponents could potentially exploit holes in Cowboys defense by running, passing ball

Offensive System: Based heavily on yards after the lucky catch

OSN Stat: Running back DeMarco Murray could set franchise record for most yards run in team’s rehabilitation pool

Key Coaching Acquisition: New passing coordinator Scott Linehan can take Tony Romo to next level of mediocrity

OSN Analysis: 2012 could prove to be make-or-break year for Tony Romo

Fans: Best in league at droning on endlessly about dynasty that ended 20 years ago

OSN Projection: Cowboys have potential to shock the league by being even shittier than last season

Giants


Strength: Tom Coughlin still looking strong in his 140th year

Weakness: Team looking great in the preseason

Key Player: Eli Manning should continue to let his play do the muttering

Key Matchup: Must venture into the crucible that is EverBank Field to face Jaguars on Nov. 30

Offseason Preparation: Manning spent summer getting to know receivers who will constantly infuriate him over the next four months

Goal: Provide some healing to New York City residents who endured horrific 2013 Giants season

Number Of Years Tom Coughlin Has Left In Career, Life: Six

Key Offseason Departure: Lost defensive end Justin Tuck to the Raiders, leaving team to fill huge void of unfulfilled potential

Biggest Secret: Deep down, Eli Manning really enjoyed watching older brother Peyton get his ass kicked in Super Bowl XLVIII

Projected 2014 Record: Better than they actually are

Eagles


Strength: High-tempo offense eliminates back-and-forth strategy debates found in most huddles

Weakness: Fans have nothing going on in lives to distract them from team’s playoff performances

Biggest Advantage: Going up against best the NFC East has to offer

Strategy: Expect incredibly quick, fast-paced excuses from Chip Kelly after his system fails in playoffs

Key Player: In Nick Foles, the Eagles have found the perfect white quarterback to lead their franchise

Roster: Now strong enough to honor Eagles’ historical tradition as perennial underachievers

Key Offseason Deal: Riley Cooper has just the right balance of athletic prowess and overt racism to warrant new five-year, $25 million contract

OSN Analysis: The Eagles are in perfect position to win the NFC East by default for the second straight year

Redskins


Strengths: Capable of defending the run, pass, and blatant racism; Controversy surrounding team name and abhorrent owner should handily overshadow imminent 4-12 season

Weakness: PR

Big-Um Chief: Dan Snyder

Head Coach: Younger brother of the guy who won’t shut the fuck up during Monday Night Football

Roster: Backup quarterback Kirk Cousins ready to take over impossible expectations if RGIII struggles during season

Future Team Name: Washington Flash

Offensive Strategy: Put ball in RGIII’s hands and give him all the praise or blame for whatever happens next

Goal: Deflect some negative attention toward Chicago Blackhawks, Cleveland Indians, Atlanta Braves, Kansas City Chiefs

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