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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC North

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the NFC North.

Bears


Strength: Pass-heavy offense potent enough to keep pace with 40-odd points that defense will give up every game

Weakness: Just gave $126 million to quarterback with grand total of one playoff win

Offense: Possesses all the key elements needed for anyone other than Marc Trestman

Key Defensive Asset: Brian Urlacher

Biggest Question: How are they going to fuck it up this time?

Lions


Strengths: Franchise has consistently maintained standard of Lions football for several decades; Team excels at putting previous weeks’ games behind them

Weakness: Effectiveness of pass rush hinges on consistent performance of mentally unstable psychopath

Key Player: Matthew Stafford’s cannon arm capable of putting ball into deepest reaches of triple coverage

Coaching Philosophy: Head coach Jim Caldwell should return to successful strategy of ensuring Peyton Manning is his quarterback

Goal: Home attendance spike due to greater number of vagrants living in Ford Field

Projected 2013 Record: 7-9

Packers


Strengths: Clay Matthews entering prime of pitchman career; Team’s porous defense allows its dominant offense to stay on field for most of game; Running back Eddie Lacy excels at gaining yards after contact from flailing bodies of his blockers

Weakness: As the NFL’s smallest market, Green Bay simply lacks depth at the 18- to 34-year-old demographic to be a contender in modern era

Key Player: Aaron Rodgers is a proven collapsed pocket passer

Injury Update: B.J. Raji’s season-ending biceps injury creates massive headache for Packers’ team cafeteria

Key Offseason Acquisition: Signed defensive end Julius Peppers away from rival Chicago, suggesting that players might not actually buy into any of that bullshit

Goal: Eddie Lacy still motivated to prove Packers wrong for passing on him during first round of 2013 NFL Draft

Fun Fact: Roger Goodell still waiting for right moment to ban Lambeau Leap as a touchdown celebration

Vikings


Strengths: Departure of defensive end Jared Allen significantly boosts team’s likability; After six years with Bengals, rookie head coach Mike Zimmer already accustomed to making objectively shitty team look half-decent

Weakness: Team still unable to fill proselytizing gap left by departed punter Chris Kluwe

Training Camp Controversy: Matt Cassel chosen over Christian Ponder and rookie Teddy Bridgewater to lead Vikings to a 4-12 season

Key Position Battle: It remains to be seen whether quarterback or cornerback will win out as team’s biggest liability

Stopgap QB Expected To Miraculously Keep Team In Contention Despite Middling Abilities: Matt Cassel

Defense: No

OSN Stat: Vikings have not lost a single game in 2014

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