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Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

NFL Implements New Court Date Attire Regulations

NEW YORK—Citing players’ responsibility to represent themselves and the league in a professional manner, the NFL announced a new set of regulations Monday governing the attire that players are allowed to wear during court dates.

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC North

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the NFC North.

Bears


Strength: Pass-heavy offense potent enough to keep pace with 40-odd points that defense will give up every game

Weakness: Just gave $126 million to quarterback with grand total of one playoff win

Offense: Possesses all the key elements needed for anyone other than Marc Trestman

Key Defensive Asset: Brian Urlacher

Biggest Question: How are they going to fuck it up this time?

Lions


Strengths: Franchise has consistently maintained standard of Lions football for several decades; Team excels at putting previous weeks’ games behind them

Weakness: Effectiveness of pass rush hinges on consistent performance of mentally unstable psychopath

Key Player: Matthew Stafford’s cannon arm capable of putting ball into deepest reaches of triple coverage

Coaching Philosophy: Head coach Jim Caldwell should return to successful strategy of ensuring Peyton Manning is his quarterback

Goal: Home attendance spike due to greater number of vagrants living in Ford Field

Projected 2013 Record: 7-9

Packers


Strengths: Clay Matthews entering prime of pitchman career; Team’s porous defense allows its dominant offense to stay on field for most of game; Running back Eddie Lacy excels at gaining yards after contact from flailing bodies of his blockers

Weakness: As the NFL’s smallest market, Green Bay simply lacks depth at the 18- to 34-year-old demographic to be a contender in modern era

Key Player: Aaron Rodgers is a proven collapsed pocket passer

Injury Update: B.J. Raji’s season-ending biceps injury creates massive headache for Packers’ team cafeteria

Key Offseason Acquisition: Signed defensive end Julius Peppers away from rival Chicago, suggesting that players might not actually buy into any of that bullshit

Goal: Eddie Lacy still motivated to prove Packers wrong for passing on him during first round of 2013 NFL Draft

Fun Fact: Roger Goodell still waiting for right moment to ban Lambeau Leap as a touchdown celebration

Vikings


Strengths: Departure of defensive end Jared Allen significantly boosts team’s likability; After six years with Bengals, rookie head coach Mike Zimmer already accustomed to making objectively shitty team look half-decent

Weakness: Team still unable to fill proselytizing gap left by departed punter Chris Kluwe

Training Camp Controversy: Matt Cassel chosen over Christian Ponder and rookie Teddy Bridgewater to lead Vikings to a 4-12 season

Key Position Battle: It remains to be seen whether quarterback or cornerback will win out as team’s biggest liability

Stopgap QB Expected To Miraculously Keep Team In Contention Despite Middling Abilities: Matt Cassel

Defense: No

OSN Stat: Vikings have not lost a single game in 2014

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