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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC West

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC West

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the NFC West.

Cardinals


Strengths: Formidable strength of schedule makes perfect scapegoat; Linebacker John Abraham displays great balance when stumbling out of bar

Weakness: Team uneasy with running back Andre Ellington’s declaration that this is franchise where he will die

Roster: Filled with tremendous depth of weak links

Biggest Weapon: Larry Fitzgerald’s stubborn inability to give up on franchise

OSN Stat: With their quarterback at 34 years old, the Cardinals have one of the youngest Carson Palmers in the NFL

Biggest Question: Do the Cardinals have what it takes to go from a 10-6 third place NFC West team to an 11-5 third place NFC West team?

Rams


Strengths: Roster loaded with fresh, young talent who have yet to become disgusted with organization; Offense ranked No. 1 in injury efficiency

Weakness: May not have necessary depth amongst Sam Bradford’s physical therapists

Players To Watch: Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston, Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota, UCLA quarterback Brett Hundley, Baylor quarterback Bryce Petty

Biggest Offseason Acquisition: Faster MRI machine

Offensive Line: Opens up massive holes for pass rushers

Goals: Too pathetic to mention in public

49ers


Strengths: Team still has pieces in place necessary to come up short of championship for years to come; Powerful running game should effectively set up the play-action scramble

Weakness: Inability to pressure quarterback Colin Kaepernick to attempt more passes

Key Offseason Move: Signed Anquan Boldin to $12 million contract to ensure receiver spends twilight years in San Francisco

Coaching Style: Leans heavily on mix of power whining and short screams

Key Position Competition: The starter at defensive end will be settled by the outcome of Aldon Smith’s ongoing battle against himself

Levi’s Stadium Security Code: 498134736

Seahawks


Strength: Big, physical mouths

Weaknesses: Dogged pursuit of another Super Bowl despite already winning one can lead to dangerous cycle in which no satisfaction can be found; Blood tests

OSN Stat: CenturyLink Field regularly achieves the highest decibel rating amongst NFL stadiums whenever Richard Sherman is talking

Total Number Of ‘12th Man’ Members Team Actually Counts On: Eight

Most Valuable Possession: Peyton Manning’s legacy

Defensive Strategy: Pushing, shoving, tugging, grasping, pulling, clutching Fans: Rely on extensive firsthand knowledge to point out how much other teams suck

Fun Fact: Franchise holds world record for loudest, most obnoxious crowd

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