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Sports

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC West

With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the NFC West.

Cardinals


Strengths: Formidable strength of schedule makes perfect scapegoat; Linebacker John Abraham displays great balance when stumbling out of bar

Weakness: Team uneasy with running back Andre Ellington’s declaration that this is franchise where he will die

Roster: Filled with tremendous depth of weak links

Biggest Weapon: Larry Fitzgerald’s stubborn inability to give up on franchise

OSN Stat: With their quarterback at 34 years old, the Cardinals have one of the youngest Carson Palmers in the NFL

Biggest Question: Do the Cardinals have what it takes to go from a 10-6 third place NFC West team to an 11-5 third place NFC West team?

Rams


Strengths: Roster loaded with fresh, young talent who have yet to become disgusted with organization; Offense ranked No. 1 in injury efficiency

Weakness: May not have necessary depth amongst Sam Bradford’s physical therapists

Players To Watch: Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston, Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota, UCLA quarterback Brett Hundley, Baylor quarterback Bryce Petty

Biggest Offseason Acquisition: Faster MRI machine

Offensive Line: Opens up massive holes for pass rushers

Goals: Too pathetic to mention in public

49ers


Strengths: Team still has pieces in place necessary to come up short of championship for years to come; Powerful running game should effectively set up the play-action scramble

Weakness: Inability to pressure quarterback Colin Kaepernick to attempt more passes

Key Offseason Move: Signed Anquan Boldin to $12 million contract to ensure receiver spends twilight years in San Francisco

Coaching Style: Leans heavily on mix of power whining and short screams

Key Position Competition: The starter at defensive end will be settled by the outcome of Aldon Smith’s ongoing battle against himself

Levi’s Stadium Security Code: 498134736

Seahawks


Strength: Big, physical mouths

Weaknesses: Dogged pursuit of another Super Bowl despite already winning one can lead to dangerous cycle in which no satisfaction can be found; Blood tests

OSN Stat: CenturyLink Field regularly achieves the highest decibel rating amongst NFL stadiums whenever Richard Sherman is talking

Total Number Of ‘12th Man’ Members Team Actually Counts On: Eight

Most Valuable Possession: Peyton Manning’s legacy

Defensive Strategy: Pushing, shoving, tugging, grasping, pulling, clutching Fans: Rely on extensive firsthand knowledge to point out how much other teams suck

Fun Fact: Franchise holds world record for loudest, most obnoxious crowd

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