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WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

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LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

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Onion Sports’ 2014 NFL Preview: NFC West

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With the 2014 NFL season kicking off this week, Onion Sports has in-depth analysis on each team in the NFC West.

Cardinals


Strengths: Formidable strength of schedule makes perfect scapegoat; Linebacker John Abraham displays great balance when stumbling out of bar

Weakness: Team uneasy with running back Andre Ellington’s declaration that this is franchise where he will die

Roster: Filled with tremendous depth of weak links

Biggest Weapon: Larry Fitzgerald’s stubborn inability to give up on franchise

OSN Stat: With their quarterback at 34 years old, the Cardinals have one of the youngest Carson Palmers in the NFL

Biggest Question: Do the Cardinals have what it takes to go from a 10-6 third place NFC West team to an 11-5 third place NFC West team?

Rams


Strengths: Roster loaded with fresh, young talent who have yet to become disgusted with organization; Offense ranked No. 1 in injury efficiency

Weakness: May not have necessary depth amongst Sam Bradford’s physical therapists

Players To Watch: Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston, Oregon quarterback Marcus Mariota, UCLA quarterback Brett Hundley, Baylor quarterback Bryce Petty

Biggest Offseason Acquisition: Faster MRI machine

Offensive Line: Opens up massive holes for pass rushers

Goals: Too pathetic to mention in public

49ers


Strengths: Team still has pieces in place necessary to come up short of championship for years to come; Powerful running game should effectively set up the play-action scramble

Weakness: Inability to pressure quarterback Colin Kaepernick to attempt more passes

Key Offseason Move: Signed Anquan Boldin to $12 million contract to ensure receiver spends twilight years in San Francisco

Coaching Style: Leans heavily on mix of power whining and short screams

Key Position Competition: The starter at defensive end will be settled by the outcome of Aldon Smith’s ongoing battle against himself

Levi’s Stadium Security Code: 498134736

Seahawks


Strength: Big, physical mouths

Weaknesses: Dogged pursuit of another Super Bowl despite already winning one can lead to dangerous cycle in which no satisfaction can be found; Blood tests

OSN Stat: CenturyLink Field regularly achieves the highest decibel rating amongst NFL stadiums whenever Richard Sherman is talking

Total Number Of ‘12th Man’ Members Team Actually Counts On: Eight

Most Valuable Possession: Peyton Manning’s legacy

Defensive Strategy: Pushing, shoving, tugging, grasping, pulling, clutching Fans: Rely on extensive firsthand knowledge to point out how much other teams suck

Fun Fact: Franchise holds world record for loudest, most obnoxious crowd

More from this section

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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