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Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl 50

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl 50

Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl 50

Super Bowl 50 has it all: two star quarterbacks, two stalwart defenses, and one morally bankrupt league that treats its athletes like pieces of meat. Onion Sports offers the most in-depth preview of Sunday’s game between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers.


BRONCOS PLAYERS TO WATCH: Peyton Manning

Strength: 1999-2014
Weakness: Fate
Biggest Advantage: Always stands tall in pocket, as guaranteed by Indiana Spine Group
Most Prized Possession: Rare recording of 1968 Bart Starr audibles
Pregame Ritual: Spends half-hour trying to get up from bench
NFL Records: Most career touchdown passes (539); Most touchdown passes in single season (55); Most passing yards in single season (5,477); Longest fingernails (63 inches)
Biggest Motivation: To win one more Super Bowl ring for John Elway

BRONCOS PLAYERS TO WATCH: Von Miller

Strengths: One of top 8 cornerstones of Broncos defense; Plays at full speed for the 48 minutes the Broncos defense is on the field each game
Weaknesses: Legally blind without glasses; Often wakes up in opponent’s backfield without any idea of how he got there
Number Of Opponents’ Memories Erased: 237
Pregame Meal: 3 raw quarterbacks
Biggest Fear: Getting accidentally lodged in C-gap with no way to get out
Childhood Development: Learned to blitz at just 2 years old
Signature Defensive Move: Wrapping both arms around opposing player with ball, bringing player to ground in order to stop his forward progress
Wikipedia Page Includes “Legal Issues” Section: Yes

PANTHERS PLAYERS TO WATCH: Cam Newton

Strength: Takes each game 40 points at a time
Weakness: Repeatedly caught tunneling underground in order to escape from pocket
Super Bowl Appearance Fee: $180,000
Number Of Chips On Shoulder: 3
Constant References To His “Flashy” And “Brash” Style Of Play Carry Some Element Of Uncomfortable Racial Undertones: Yup
Postgame Ritual: Track down kid he handed touchdown ball to and get it back
Years Left As Dual-Threat Quarterback: 3
Total NFL Earnings: $53 million
Total College Earnings: $340,000
Biggest Fear: That he’ll never live up to expectations of huge endorsement deal with Dannon Oikos Greek yogurt
Biggest Regret: Accidentally spilling bag of herbicide on historic Toomer’s Corner oak trees during final year at Auburn


PANTHERS PLAYERS TO WATCH: Luke Kuechly

Strengths: Capable of controlling testosterone-fueled rage when not on football field; Always thanks opposing linemen after every play for pushing him to be the best player he can be
Weakness: Only has about 6 more years, tops, of living without constant pain in joints
Name Pronunciation: lo͞ok KWAR-zuhl
Nickname: “A Nice Young Man”
Age: Still young enough to tackle headfirst
Hitting Power: Fatal car crash–level
Still Has Youth Sports Trophies Lined Up On His Childhood Bedroom Dresser: Probably
Early Accolades: Won three straight Ohio State Fair blue ribbons for biggest sack
Preferred Brand Of Smelling Salts: Dynarex Ammonia Inhalants
What He’d Be If He Wasn’t NFL Linebacker: CFL linebacker
Biggest Secret: Thinks Cam Newton could stand to tone it down a little

KEY MATCHUP

WR Demaryius Thomas vs. CB Josh Norman: These evenly matched Pro Bowlers will likely cancel each other out, making their presence on the field completely meaningless


KEY MATCHUP

Broncos Offensive Line vs. Panthers Defensive Line: Denver’s ability to protect Peyton Manning could mean the difference between failing to convert on third-and-long and failing to convert on third-and-short

KEY MATCHUP

LB DeMarcus Ware vs. OT Michael Oher: One will need to push harder against the other one

KEY MATCHUP

CB Chris Harris Jr. vs. WR Ted Ginn Jr: Expectations for Ginn are low enough that he can just go out there and have some fun

KEY MATCHUP

Gary Kubiak vs. Ron Rivera: This coaching matchup will likely come down to who remembers to cover their mouth while calling in plays

ONION SPORTS SUPER BOWL PREDICTION
Denver Broncos 17 - 14 Carolina Panthers

By winning a Super Bowl at the age of 39, Peyton Manning will prove all the doubters wrong who told him they were obligated by the Hippocratic oath to discourage him from playing football.


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