Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl 50


Onion Sports’ Guide To Super Bowl 50

Super Bowl 50 has it all: two star quarterbacks, two stalwart defenses, and one morally bankrupt league that treats its athletes like pieces of meat. Onion Sports offers the most in-depth preview of Sunday’s game between the Denver Broncos and the Carolina Panthers.


Strength: 1999-2014
Weakness: Fate
Biggest Advantage: Always stands tall in pocket, as guaranteed by Indiana Spine Group
Most Prized Possession: Rare recording of 1968 Bart Starr audibles
Pregame Ritual: Spends half-hour trying to get up from bench
NFL Records: Most career touchdown passes (539); Most touchdown passes in single season (55); Most passing yards in single season (5,477); Longest fingernails (63 inches)
Biggest Motivation: To win one more Super Bowl ring for John Elway


Strengths: One of top 8 cornerstones of Broncos defense; Plays at full speed for the 48 minutes the Broncos defense is on the field each game
Weaknesses: Legally blind without glasses; Often wakes up in opponent’s backfield without any idea of how he got there
Number Of Opponents’ Memories Erased: 237
Pregame Meal: 3 raw quarterbacks
Biggest Fear: Getting accidentally lodged in C-gap with no way to get out
Childhood Development: Learned to blitz at just 2 years old
Signature Defensive Move: Wrapping both arms around opposing player with ball, bringing player to ground in order to stop his forward progress
Wikipedia Page Includes “Legal Issues” Section: Yes


Strength: Takes each game 40 points at a time
Weakness: Repeatedly caught tunneling underground in order to escape from pocket
Super Bowl Appearance Fee: $180,000
Number Of Chips On Shoulder: 3
Constant References To His “Flashy” And “Brash” Style Of Play Carry Some Element Of Uncomfortable Racial Undertones: Yup
Postgame Ritual: Track down kid he handed touchdown ball to and get it back
Years Left As Dual-Threat Quarterback: 3
Total NFL Earnings: $53 million
Total College Earnings: $340,000
Biggest Fear: That he’ll never live up to expectations of huge endorsement deal with Dannon Oikos Greek yogurt
Biggest Regret: Accidentally spilling bag of herbicide on historic Toomer’s Corner oak trees during final year at Auburn


Strengths: Capable of controlling testosterone-fueled rage when not on football field; Always thanks opposing linemen after every play for pushing him to be the best player he can be
Weakness: Only has about 6 more years, tops, of living without constant pain in joints
Name Pronunciation: lo͞ok KWAR-zuhl
Nickname: “A Nice Young Man”
Age: Still young enough to tackle headfirst
Hitting Power: Fatal car crash–level
Still Has Youth Sports Trophies Lined Up On His Childhood Bedroom Dresser: Probably
Early Accolades: Won three straight Ohio State Fair blue ribbons for biggest sack
Preferred Brand Of Smelling Salts: Dynarex Ammonia Inhalants
What He’d Be If He Wasn’t NFL Linebacker: CFL linebacker
Biggest Secret: Thinks Cam Newton could stand to tone it down a little


WR Demaryius Thomas vs. CB Josh Norman: These evenly matched Pro Bowlers will likely cancel each other out, making their presence on the field completely meaningless


Broncos Offensive Line vs. Panthers Defensive Line: Denver’s ability to protect Peyton Manning could mean the difference between failing to convert on third-and-long and failing to convert on third-and-short


LB DeMarcus Ware vs. OT Michael Oher: One will need to push harder against the other one


CB Chris Harris Jr. vs. WR Ted Ginn Jr: Expectations for Ginn are low enough that he can just go out there and have some fun


Gary Kubiak vs. Ron Rivera: This coaching matchup will likely come down to who remembers to cover their mouth while calling in plays

Denver Broncos 17 - 14 Carolina Panthers

By winning a Super Bowl at the age of 39, Peyton Manning will prove all the doubters wrong who told him they were obligated by the Hippocratic oath to discourage him from playing football.

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