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Onion Sports Guide To Team USA

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Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.

Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.

Punter Just Praying Returner Doesn’t Make It All The Way To Him

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Growing increasingly nervous as he contemplated being the team’s last line of defense, Tennessee Titans punter Brett Kern was reportedly praying Thursday that Jacksonville Jaguars returner Rashad Greene wouldn’t make it all the way down the field to him.

Defensive Tackle’s Innocence Shattered By Play-Action Pass

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying the eye-opening experience has forever altered his worldview, Buffalo Bills defensive tackle Marcell Dareus admitted to reporters Friday that a play-action pass play by the New York Jets had totally shattered his youthful innocence.

Royals Prove Doubters Who Were Still Paying Attention Wrong

NEW YORK—Having capped off their championship run with a 7-2 victory over the New York Mets in Game 5 Sunday night, members of the Kansas City Royals expressed their delight at silencing the doubters who still happened to be paying any attention to the World Series.

Keys To The Matchup: Mets vs. Royals

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Mets face the Royals in this year’s Fall Classic, with the two teams battling for the chance to bring World Series glory back to either Kansas City or incredibly small pockets of New York. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

No One In Gym Class Volleyball Game Willing To Set Ball

LITTLE ELM, TX—With neither team having completed more than two hits during a rally before sending the ball back over the net, sources confirmed Wednesday that no one in Jefferson High School’s third-period gym class was willing to set during a volleyball game.

Strongside/Weakside: Chase Utley

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Los Angeles Dodgers second baseman Chase Utley has long been considered one of the best players in baseball, consistently making clean, solid contact with opponents’ fibulas. Is he any good?

Jadeveon Clowney Succumbs To Battle With Ankle Sprain

HOUSTON—Noting that the 22-year-old was a “wonderful young man who will be immensely missed by all who knew him,” the Houston Texans announced Thursday that linebacker Jadeveon Clowney tragically succumbed to his battle with a right-ankle sprain.

Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

WNBA MVP Devastated After Roommate Moves Out Without Any Warning

CHICAGO—Saying she is now desperately searching for any options that will prevent her from being evicted, Chicago Sky forward and 2015 WNBA MVP Elena Delle Donne was reportedly left scrambling Thursday after her roommate moved out of their apartment without any warning whatsoever.

Strongside/Weakside: Chip Kelly

Known as one of the most innovative minds in football, Philadelphia Eagles head coach Chip Kelly has implemented an offense that racks up huge numbers in the loss column. Is he any good?

Billy Crystal Tearfully Admits He’s Never Seen, Been To A Yankees Game

‘I Don’t Even Know What The Yankees Are,’ Crystal Says

NEW YORK—Admitting that he could simply no longer continue living a lie, veteran actor, comedian, and self-professed New York Yankees fanatic Billy Crystal tearfully confessed Thursday that he has never seen or attended a single Yankees game in his life, and indeed has absolutely no idea who or what the Yankees even are.

New LSU Stadium Shuttle Transports Tigers Fans Back To Woods

BATON ROUGE, LA—Saying that they hope to make traveling to and from football games more convenient and enjoyable, officials from the LSU athletic department announced Friday that the university will now offer a round-trip stadium shuttle bus to transport Tigers fans back to the woods.

Strongside/Weakside: Marcus Mariota

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

With an incredible four-touchdown performance to start his NFL career, rookie quarterback Marcus Mariota showed that he has what it takes to be the Tennessee Titans’ new silver lining. Is he any good?

Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility.

2015 NFL Season Preview

The 2015 NFL season is poised to be among the most memorable and eventful in league history, with several of the notable moments hopefully occurring on the field. Onion Sports breaks down everything you need to know before the season kicks off.

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

Strongside/Weakside: Serena Williams

Serena Williams is aiming to clinch a historic calendar Grand Slam at this year’s U.S. Open, forever enshrining her as the last American tennis player worth talking about. Is she any good?

Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Onion Sports Guide To Team USA

Apolo Ohno, Short-Track Speed Skater
Skating Style: Trains by skating on ice-treadmill; celebrates with the "Ohno Leap," jumping skates-first into crowd
Speed Preference: Very- to Super-Fast
Accomplishments: Handsome; five-time Olympic medalist; holds class C Zamboni driver's license; has danced with the stars (actual celestial bodies, not mere celebrities)
Marital Status: Has yet to find a sufficiently aerodynamic woman
Hobbies: Popularish-izing speed skating; working with kids to teach them what a great speed skater he is; trailing his inside hand along the ground through all aspects of life
Enjoys Overcoming: Obstacles, challenges
Shaun White, Snowboarder
Favorite thing to board on: Snow
Events In 2010 Olympics: He's not really sure, but definitely something with snow probably
Accolades: Dew Tour medals in vert, superpipe, slopestyle, superslope, vertstyle, slopepipe, styliestyle, and superstyle vert pipe
Personal Life: Enjoys James Joyce novels, badminton, furniture shopping, and training live rhinos to carry jousters
Goal: To one day become the world's greatest cloudboarder
Architecture He'd Most Like To Snowboard Down: Empire State Building
Shani Davis, Short Track/Long Track Speed Skater
Skating Style: Rebellious, although to everyone else, this looks exactly the same; concentrates on putting arm behind back in coolest way possible; destroys opponent's confidence by performing little "lap dance" when he laps them
Inspirational 'Parents Moved To Be Closer To Speed Skating Rink' Story: Yes
Other Heartwarming Background Story: Overcame fear of wearing ridiculous, skintight outfit
World Records Held While Black: Three
Unique Advantages: Oh, man, seriously, come on...Next category, please
You May Not Know That: He is an Olympic speed skater
Tanith Belbin, Ice Dancer
Skating Style: When not skating around her gumdrop castle, Belbin takes her sparkly pink chariot to visit the magic pixies who weave her beautiful hair from pure sunshine
Citizenship Debate: Despite being born in Ontario, her hotness allows her to compete as an American
Thing Hidden By Tough Street-Smart Exterior: Heart of gold
Weaknesses: Will always be ugly and too fat, too fat, too fat
Ice-Dancing Partner: Probably some guy or other, why do you ask?
Prospects: For you, not good
Sheffield Torvalds-Smith, Snøkåathllete
Snøkåathlaan Style: A fusion of classical Italian techniques melded with elements learned on American slopes enhanced by a few little twists learned from a French girl in Amsterdam
Strengths: Best plummeter on U.S. squad; excellent hurtling skills; careening significantly improved
Weaknesses: Eats his feelings; agoraphobic; when asked "How are you?" he responds at length
Could He Be The Man The Papers Are Calling "The Snøkåathlaan Murderer"? Unknown
Marital Status: Has "taken the mountain as his bride" (a traditional snøkåathllete phrase meaning "he is a chubby chaser")
Family: Despite his overbearing Snøkåathlaan parents, learned to love the sport for its own sake
Bode Miller, Alpine Skier
Skiing Style: Reckless to point that fans and trainer often wonder if he actually knows how to ski; able to let himself and others down at an Olympic level; has turned inability to walk a straight line into an advantage in the giant slalom
Olympic Records: Has puked on 11 different gold medal winners
Strengths: Displays immeasurable speed and grace when avoiding eye contact with previous night's hookup
Weaknesses: Often misses his reflection in mirror with thrown shot glass
Legacy: With his half-assed beer-drinking lifestyle, he quite possibly represents America better than any Olympic athlete ever has
Natalie Darwitz, Women's Hockey Forward
Playing Style: Wide, child-bearing hips make her an excellent checker; slap shot reaches speeds upward of 14 mph; is often compared to the girl from the Mighty Ducks, but only because not many women play hockey
Earliest Memory: Putting Barbie clothes on all her hockey pucks
Lesbian: No
Seriously? Seriously, not a lesbian
Is No Hayley Wickenheiser: That's for sure
Legacy: Could possibly be the world's best player in a sport that people only watch on accident
Kikkan Randall, Cross-Country Skier
Skiing Style: Despite not participating in biathlon, always skis with a gun anyway; concentrates on getting good exercise, not on having fun; extremely graceful ski-plodder Strengths: Lives in Alaska, where skis are attached to shoes, bikes, cars, other skis; able to endure almost lethal amounts of flatness
Dislikes: Macaroni salad, bad attitudes, cross-country skiing, smell of seafood
Training Regimen: Puts on socks and slides across smooth apartment floors at least four times a day
Goals: To continue living in obscurity by winning a gold medal in cross-country skiing, then really just wants to come inside and warm up
Lindsey Vonn, Alpine Skier
Achievements: FIS Alpine World Ski Championship 2007 silver medal winner, FIS Alpine World Ski Championship 2009 gold medal winner, discovered the Super G Spot
Childhood: Grew up in Minnesota, so there is a good chance she is a joyless judgmental jerk behind her smiling facade
Preferred Hill Direction: Down
Ideal Knee Position: Slightly Bent
Worst Knee Position: Frayed tendons hanging from nearby sapling
Marital Status: Wed fellow skier Thomas Vonn in an outdoor ceremony presided over by a snowman dressed as Parson Brown
Noelle Pikus-Pace, Skeletoneer
Skeleton Style: Competitively, face-first down mountain; anatomically, bristling with titanium
Strengths: Natural slider with above-average slipperiness
Weaknesses: Despite a college education, voluntarily lives in Utah
Dedication: Falls somewhere between loving skeleton and not wanting to compete while six months pregnant
Marital Status: Husband Janson is a professional hopscotcher
Motto: "Treat every race like it's your last before a runaway bobsled shatters every goddamn bone in your legs"

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