Onion Sports Guide To Team USA

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Strongside/Weakside: Clint Dempsey

Despite losing the team’s captaincy after a recent incident with a referee, Clint Dempsey has propelled the U.S. closer to a sixth Gold Cup title. Is he any good?

Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far.

Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris.

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Strongside/Weakside: Alex Morgan

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Despite her recent injuries, U.S. striker Alex Morgan is still arguably the most potent goal-scoring threat in women’s soccer. Is she any good?

Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

‘What Round Is This Again?’ Misogynist Asshole Asks

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported.

Owner Tearfully Releases American Pharoah After Triple Crown Win

‘You’ve Earned Your Freedom,’ Emotional Horse Owner Says

ELMONT, NY—Overcome with emotion as he described how much he’d miss his “old friend,” the owner of Triple Crown–winner American Pharoah bid a tearful farewell to the colt Monday before granting the horse its freedom, sources confirmed.

Keys To The Matchup: Barcelona vs. Juventus

Barcelona and Juventus go head-to-head in a Champions League final that will be watched by millions of incarcerated soccer executives around the world. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Warriors vs. Cavaliers

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Cleveland Cavaliers face the Golden State Warriors in what is likely their last-ever chance to win a championship for Kevin Love. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Keys To The Matchup: Blackhawks vs. Lightning

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

The Chicago Blackhawks face the Tampa Bay Lightning in a Stanley Cup Finals matchup that has hockey fans wondering how late they’ll have to fucking stay up to watch overtime. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

FIFA Assures Fans Investigation Won’t Affect 2022 Qatar Slush Fund

ZURICH—Stressing that soccer’s international governing body will continue to conduct business as usual in the face of high-profile fraud charges, FIFA officials assured the public Friday that the ongoing U.S. Department of Justice investigation will in no way affect the 2022 Qatar slush fund.

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Hockey Fans Treated To Rare Sighting Of Zamboni Giving Birth

ANAHEIM, CA—With thousands of spectators visibly emotional after witnessing the heartwarming moment, fans at Monday night’s playoff game between the Anaheim Ducks and Chicago Blackhawks were reportedly treated to the rare sight of a pregnant Zamboni giving birth.

James Harden Pretty Sure He Felt Something Pop In Lower Beard

HOUSTON—Expressing concern that the injury could sideline him for the remainder of the postseason, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden confirmed Friday that he felt something pop in his lower beard during last night’s game against the Golden State Warriors.

Strongside/Weakside: James Harden

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

James Harden has become one of the most potent offensive threats in the NBA, leading the Houston Rockets to their first Western Conference Finals appearance in 18 years. Is he any good?

Bored David Blatt Just Drawing Up Plays For Fun During Cavs Game

ATLANTA—Explaining it was merely something to occupy his attention throughout the evening, Cleveland Cavaliers head coach David Blatt revealed to reporters that he was spending the majority of Wednesday night’s Eastern Conference Finals game against the Atlanta Hawks drawing up plays for fun on the sideline.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.

Draft Pick Hugs Family That Will Bleed Him Dry Over Next 5 Years

CHICAGO—Upon hearing his name announced by commissioner Roger Goodell during the first round of the NFL draft Thursday, wide receiver Anthony Parker immediately began embracing the family members who will slowly bleed him dry over the next five years, sources confirmed.

Greatest Boxing Matches Of All Time

With Floyd Mayweather Jr. facing Manny Pacquiao this Saturday in what many have dubbed the “Fight of the Century,” Onion Sports looks back at the greatest bouts in boxing history

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Best Playoff Performances In NBA History

With the basketball postseason heating up, Onion Sports looks back at the greatest individual performances in NBA playoff history. Shaquille O’Neal: During the 2001 NBA Finals, O’Neal was absolutely dominant while tearing apart ...

Derrick Rose Pulls Off Perfect 720 At Local Skate Park

CHICAGO—Following his numerous failed attempts at the challenging skateboard trick, sources confirmed Wednesday that Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose successfully landed a perfect 720-degree aerial at a local skate park. Rose reportedly manage...

Keys To The Matchup: Duke vs. Wisconsin

With the NCAA title on the line, Wisconsin faces Duke in a rare national championship game that gives neutral fans only one team to root against. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Kentucky Cancels Practice For NBA Draft Suit Fitting

CLEVELAND, OH—Following the Wildcats’ 78-39 victory over West Virginia in the Sweet 16, Kentucky sources confirmed that coach John Calipari had canceled Friday’s practice so the players could get fitted for NBA draft suits.

The Pros And Cons Of Paying College Athletes

As college athletic programs continue to generate millions of dollars in revenue for their schools, advocates for student-athletes have begun pushing for schools to pay their players, while opponents say that compensating athletes has the potential to ...

Greatest Undefeated Seasons In Sports History

With the University of Kentucky men’s basketball team just four games away from completing a perfect 40-0 season, Onion Sports takes a look back at the greatest undefeated runs in sports history. 1971 Nebraska Cornhuskers: The Univers...
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Onion Sports Guide To Team USA

Apolo Ohno, Short-Track Speed Skater
Skating Style: Trains by skating on ice-treadmill; celebrates with the "Ohno Leap," jumping skates-first into crowd
Speed Preference: Very- to Super-Fast
Accomplishments: Handsome; five-time Olympic medalist; holds class C Zamboni driver's license; has danced with the stars (actual celestial bodies, not mere celebrities)
Marital Status: Has yet to find a sufficiently aerodynamic woman
Hobbies: Popularish-izing speed skating; working with kids to teach them what a great speed skater he is; trailing his inside hand along the ground through all aspects of life
Enjoys Overcoming: Obstacles, challenges
Shaun White, Snowboarder
Favorite thing to board on: Snow
Events In 2010 Olympics: He's not really sure, but definitely something with snow probably
Accolades: Dew Tour medals in vert, superpipe, slopestyle, superslope, vertstyle, slopepipe, styliestyle, and superstyle vert pipe
Personal Life: Enjoys James Joyce novels, badminton, furniture shopping, and training live rhinos to carry jousters
Goal: To one day become the world's greatest cloudboarder
Architecture He'd Most Like To Snowboard Down: Empire State Building
Shani Davis, Short Track/Long Track Speed Skater
Skating Style: Rebellious, although to everyone else, this looks exactly the same; concentrates on putting arm behind back in coolest way possible; destroys opponent's confidence by performing little "lap dance" when he laps them
Inspirational 'Parents Moved To Be Closer To Speed Skating Rink' Story: Yes
Other Heartwarming Background Story: Overcame fear of wearing ridiculous, skintight outfit
World Records Held While Black: Three
Unique Advantages: Oh, man, seriously, come on...Next category, please
You May Not Know That: He is an Olympic speed skater
Tanith Belbin, Ice Dancer
Skating Style: When not skating around her gumdrop castle, Belbin takes her sparkly pink chariot to visit the magic pixies who weave her beautiful hair from pure sunshine
Citizenship Debate: Despite being born in Ontario, her hotness allows her to compete as an American
Thing Hidden By Tough Street-Smart Exterior: Heart of gold
Weaknesses: Will always be ugly and too fat, too fat, too fat
Ice-Dancing Partner: Probably some guy or other, why do you ask?
Prospects: For you, not good
Sheffield Torvalds-Smith, Snøkåathllete
Snøkåathlaan Style: A fusion of classical Italian techniques melded with elements learned on American slopes enhanced by a few little twists learned from a French girl in Amsterdam
Strengths: Best plummeter on U.S. squad; excellent hurtling skills; careening significantly improved
Weaknesses: Eats his feelings; agoraphobic; when asked "How are you?" he responds at length
Could He Be The Man The Papers Are Calling "The Snøkåathlaan Murderer"? Unknown
Marital Status: Has "taken the mountain as his bride" (a traditional snøkåathllete phrase meaning "he is a chubby chaser")
Family: Despite his overbearing Snøkåathlaan parents, learned to love the sport for its own sake
Bode Miller, Alpine Skier
Skiing Style: Reckless to point that fans and trainer often wonder if he actually knows how to ski; able to let himself and others down at an Olympic level; has turned inability to walk a straight line into an advantage in the giant slalom
Olympic Records: Has puked on 11 different gold medal winners
Strengths: Displays immeasurable speed and grace when avoiding eye contact with previous night's hookup
Weaknesses: Often misses his reflection in mirror with thrown shot glass
Legacy: With his half-assed beer-drinking lifestyle, he quite possibly represents America better than any Olympic athlete ever has
Natalie Darwitz, Women's Hockey Forward
Playing Style: Wide, child-bearing hips make her an excellent checker; slap shot reaches speeds upward of 14 mph; is often compared to the girl from the Mighty Ducks, but only because not many women play hockey
Earliest Memory: Putting Barbie clothes on all her hockey pucks
Lesbian: No
Seriously? Seriously, not a lesbian
Is No Hayley Wickenheiser: That's for sure
Legacy: Could possibly be the world's best player in a sport that people only watch on accident
Kikkan Randall, Cross-Country Skier
Skiing Style: Despite not participating in biathlon, always skis with a gun anyway; concentrates on getting good exercise, not on having fun; extremely graceful ski-plodder Strengths: Lives in Alaska, where skis are attached to shoes, bikes, cars, other skis; able to endure almost lethal amounts of flatness
Dislikes: Macaroni salad, bad attitudes, cross-country skiing, smell of seafood
Training Regimen: Puts on socks and slides across smooth apartment floors at least four times a day
Goals: To continue living in obscurity by winning a gold medal in cross-country skiing, then really just wants to come inside and warm up
Lindsey Vonn, Alpine Skier
Achievements: FIS Alpine World Ski Championship 2007 silver medal winner, FIS Alpine World Ski Championship 2009 gold medal winner, discovered the Super G Spot
Childhood: Grew up in Minnesota, so there is a good chance she is a joyless judgmental jerk behind her smiling facade
Preferred Hill Direction: Down
Ideal Knee Position: Slightly Bent
Worst Knee Position: Frayed tendons hanging from nearby sapling
Marital Status: Wed fellow skier Thomas Vonn in an outdoor ceremony presided over by a snowman dressed as Parson Brown
Noelle Pikus-Pace, Skeletoneer
Skeleton Style: Competitively, face-first down mountain; anatomically, bristling with titanium
Strengths: Natural slider with above-average slipperiness
Weaknesses: Despite a college education, voluntarily lives in Utah
Dedication: Falls somewhere between loving skeleton and not wanting to compete while six months pregnant
Marital Status: Husband Janson is a professional hopscotcher
Motto: "Treat every race like it's your last before a runaway bobsled shatters every goddamn bone in your legs"