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Onion Sports Guide To Team USA

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Onion Sports Guide To Team USA

Apolo Ohno, Short-Track Speed Skater
Skating Style: Trains by skating on ice-treadmill; celebrates with the "Ohno Leap," jumping skates-first into crowd
Speed Preference: Very- to Super-Fast
Accomplishments: Handsome; five-time Olympic medalist; holds class C Zamboni driver's license; has danced with the stars (actual celestial bodies, not mere celebrities)
Marital Status: Has yet to find a sufficiently aerodynamic woman
Hobbies: Popularish-izing speed skating; working with kids to teach them what a great speed skater he is; trailing his inside hand along the ground through all aspects of life
Enjoys Overcoming: Obstacles, challenges
Shaun White, Snowboarder
Favorite thing to board on: Snow
Events In 2010 Olympics: He's not really sure, but definitely something with snow probably
Accolades: Dew Tour medals in vert, superpipe, slopestyle, superslope, vertstyle, slopepipe, styliestyle, and superstyle vert pipe
Personal Life: Enjoys James Joyce novels, badminton, furniture shopping, and training live rhinos to carry jousters
Goal: To one day become the world's greatest cloudboarder
Architecture He'd Most Like To Snowboard Down: Empire State Building
Shani Davis, Short Track/Long Track Speed Skater
Skating Style: Rebellious, although to everyone else, this looks exactly the same; concentrates on putting arm behind back in coolest way possible; destroys opponent's confidence by performing little "lap dance" when he laps them
Inspirational 'Parents Moved To Be Closer To Speed Skating Rink' Story: Yes
Other Heartwarming Background Story: Overcame fear of wearing ridiculous, skintight outfit
World Records Held While Black: Three
Unique Advantages: Oh, man, seriously, come on...Next category, please
You May Not Know That: He is an Olympic speed skater
Tanith Belbin, Ice Dancer
Skating Style: When not skating around her gumdrop castle, Belbin takes her sparkly pink chariot to visit the magic pixies who weave her beautiful hair from pure sunshine
Citizenship Debate: Despite being born in Ontario, her hotness allows her to compete as an American
Thing Hidden By Tough Street-Smart Exterior: Heart of gold
Weaknesses: Will always be ugly and too fat, too fat, too fat
Ice-Dancing Partner: Probably some guy or other, why do you ask?
Prospects: For you, not good
Sheffield Torvalds-Smith, Snøkåathllete
Snøkåathlaan Style: A fusion of classical Italian techniques melded with elements learned on American slopes enhanced by a few little twists learned from a French girl in Amsterdam
Strengths: Best plummeter on U.S. squad; excellent hurtling skills; careening significantly improved
Weaknesses: Eats his feelings; agoraphobic; when asked "How are you?" he responds at length
Could He Be The Man The Papers Are Calling "The Snøkåathlaan Murderer"? Unknown
Marital Status: Has "taken the mountain as his bride" (a traditional snøkåathllete phrase meaning "he is a chubby chaser")
Family: Despite his overbearing Snøkåathlaan parents, learned to love the sport for its own sake
Bode Miller, Alpine Skier
Skiing Style: Reckless to point that fans and trainer often wonder if he actually knows how to ski; able to let himself and others down at an Olympic level; has turned inability to walk a straight line into an advantage in the giant slalom
Olympic Records: Has puked on 11 different gold medal winners
Strengths: Displays immeasurable speed and grace when avoiding eye contact with previous night's hookup
Weaknesses: Often misses his reflection in mirror with thrown shot glass
Legacy: With his half-assed beer-drinking lifestyle, he quite possibly represents America better than any Olympic athlete ever has
Natalie Darwitz, Women's Hockey Forward
Playing Style: Wide, child-bearing hips make her an excellent checker; slap shot reaches speeds upward of 14 mph; is often compared to the girl from the Mighty Ducks, but only because not many women play hockey
Earliest Memory: Putting Barbie clothes on all her hockey pucks
Lesbian: No
Seriously? Seriously, not a lesbian
Is No Hayley Wickenheiser: That's for sure
Legacy: Could possibly be the world's best player in a sport that people only watch on accident
Kikkan Randall, Cross-Country Skier
Skiing Style: Despite not participating in biathlon, always skis with a gun anyway; concentrates on getting good exercise, not on having fun; extremely graceful ski-plodder Strengths: Lives in Alaska, where skis are attached to shoes, bikes, cars, other skis; able to endure almost lethal amounts of flatness
Dislikes: Macaroni salad, bad attitudes, cross-country skiing, smell of seafood
Training Regimen: Puts on socks and slides across smooth apartment floors at least four times a day
Goals: To continue living in obscurity by winning a gold medal in cross-country skiing, then really just wants to come inside and warm up
Lindsey Vonn, Alpine Skier
Achievements: FIS Alpine World Ski Championship 2007 silver medal winner, FIS Alpine World Ski Championship 2009 gold medal winner, discovered the Super G Spot
Childhood: Grew up in Minnesota, so there is a good chance she is a joyless judgmental jerk behind her smiling facade
Preferred Hill Direction: Down
Ideal Knee Position: Slightly Bent
Worst Knee Position: Frayed tendons hanging from nearby sapling
Marital Status: Wed fellow skier Thomas Vonn in an outdoor ceremony presided over by a snowman dressed as Parson Brown
Noelle Pikus-Pace, Skeletoneer
Skeleton Style: Competitively, face-first down mountain; anatomically, bristling with titanium
Strengths: Natural slider with above-average slipperiness
Weaknesses: Despite a college education, voluntarily lives in Utah
Dedication: Falls somewhere between loving skeleton and not wanting to compete while six months pregnant
Marital Status: Husband Janson is a professional hopscotcher
Motto: "Treat every race like it's your last before a runaway bobsled shatters every goddamn bone in your legs"

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