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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Police Blotter

Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring
34 Congressmen Arrested In D.C. Cockfighting Crackdown
Police Race To Scene Of Car Alarm
Police Search Of Backpack Yields Explosive Bestseller
Body Of Missing Mad Magazine Reporter Found In Blecchistan

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