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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Recalled Pugs

Meredith's fused intestines and chronic wandering lung syndrome (WLS) now confine her to a small cabinet in her owner's living room.
La Choy suffers from spinning eyeballs.
Sarge vomits every hour, on the hour.
Squeaky Fromme bravely battles hip, shoulder, neck, ear, and tail dysplasia.
Tanklet frequently experiences internal and external bleeding.
In March, Beergoggles was diagnosed with Mildewed Face.
Daisy's total paralysis forces her owner to push her across the floor with a broom.
Because his skull plates never fused in the womb, Hubcap can only obtain relief from his cluster headaches by sexually abusing a small squeak toy.
Nougat's reverse-sneezing condition required veterinary surgeons to remove one-and-a-half pounds of mucus from his frontal lobe region.
Some veterinary scientists and animal physiologists do not consider Osvaldo Pugliese a pug, but a large goiter.
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