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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Recalled Pugs

Meredith's fused intestines and chronic wandering lung syndrome (WLS) now confine her to a small cabinet in her owner's living room.
La Choy suffers from spinning eyeballs.
Sarge vomits every hour, on the hour.
Squeaky Fromme bravely battles hip, shoulder, neck, ear, and tail dysplasia.
Tanklet frequently experiences internal and external bleeding.
In March, Beergoggles was diagnosed with Mildewed Face.
Daisy's total paralysis forces her owner to push her across the floor with a broom.
Because his skull plates never fused in the womb, Hubcap can only obtain relief from his cluster headaches by sexually abusing a small squeak toy.
Nougat's reverse-sneezing condition required veterinary surgeons to remove one-and-a-half pounds of mucus from his frontal lobe region.
Some veterinary scientists and animal physiologists do not consider Osvaldo Pugliese a pug, but a large goiter.
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