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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Recalled Pugs

Meredith's fused intestines and chronic wandering lung syndrome (WLS) now confine her to a small cabinet in her owner's living room.
La Choy suffers from spinning eyeballs.
Sarge vomits every hour, on the hour.
Squeaky Fromme bravely battles hip, shoulder, neck, ear, and tail dysplasia.
Tanklet frequently experiences internal and external bleeding.
In March, Beergoggles was diagnosed with Mildewed Face.
Daisy's total paralysis forces her owner to push her across the floor with a broom.
Because his skull plates never fused in the womb, Hubcap can only obtain relief from his cluster headaches by sexually abusing a small squeak toy.
Nougat's reverse-sneezing condition required veterinary surgeons to remove one-and-a-half pounds of mucus from his frontal lobe region.
Some veterinary scientists and animal physiologists do not consider Osvaldo Pugliese a pug, but a large goiter.

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