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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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REWIND! 10 Sharp Knives That Scarred You For Life

That sturdy black handle, the 10-inch blade, that glinting serrated edge—that’s gotta take you right back!
Bet you think about this one every time you look at that long cut on your shoulder blade, eh?
SLASH! This one still gets us every time!
Remember this little guy? How you thought it couldn’t break the skin?
Give me your fucking wallet! Just kidding. Classic knife, though.
This one definitely left its mark on our wrists.
How could you ever forget old plaintiff’s exhibit 10?
Don’t remember this guy? Think hard. Hot July day, your kitchen, the screen door shutting as everyone except you went outside. Come on, you remember—staring down at your hands, slipping on the floor moments later as you ran out to tell mom. Is it coming back now?
Sure, you were just scarred by this one last week, but it still counts.
Yup, there she is. Bet you didn’t think your stepdad had it in him, did you?

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