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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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REWIND! 10 Sharp Knives That Scarred You For Life

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That sturdy black handle, the 10-inch blade, that glinting serrated edge—that’s gotta take you right back!
Bet you think about this one every time you look at that long cut on your shoulder blade, eh?
SLASH! This one still gets us every time!
Remember this little guy? How you thought it couldn’t break the skin?
Give me your fucking wallet! Just kidding. Classic knife, though.
This one definitely left its mark on our wrists.
How could you ever forget old plaintiff’s exhibit 10?
Don’t remember this guy? Think hard. Hot July day, your kitchen, the screen door shutting as everyone except you went outside. Come on, you remember—staring down at your hands, slipping on the floor moments later as you ran out to tell mom. Is it coming back now?
Sure, you were just scarred by this one last week, but it still counts.
Yup, there she is. Bet you didn’t think your stepdad had it in him, did you?

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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