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‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Scientific Breakthroughs

Defense Department Boosts Funding For $15 Billion Puppy Crusher
New Solar System Discovered Four Feet From Earth
Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton
Comb Technology: Why Is It So Far Behind The Razor And Toothbrush Fields
Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs 'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity
Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'
Third-Grade Scientists Successfully Vaporize Water
Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts
Celine Dion Secluded In Lab Developing New Perfume
Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station
John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian
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