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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Scientific Breakthroughs

Defense Department Boosts Funding For $15 Billion Puppy Crusher
New Solar System Discovered Four Feet From Earth
Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton
Comb Technology: Why Is It So Far Behind The Razor And Toothbrush Fields
Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs 'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity
Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'
Third-Grade Scientists Successfully Vaporize Water
Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts
Celine Dion Secluded In Lab Developing New Perfume
Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station
John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian
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