Scientific Breakthroughs

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Horrifying Police Body Camera Footage Clearly Shows Current State Of America

CINCINNATI—Following a traffic stop earlier this month by a University of Cincinnati police officer that ended in the shooting death of an unarmed black motorist, authorities confirmed Thursday that the disturbing video recorded by the officer’s body camera clearly and graphically shows the current state of America.

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Scientific Breakthroughs

Defense Department Boosts Funding For $15 Billion Puppy Crusher
New Solar System Discovered Four Feet From Earth
Stephen Hawking Builds Robotic Exoskeleton
Comb Technology: Why Is It So Far Behind The Razor And Toothbrush Fields
Dolphins Evolve Opposable Thumbs 'Oh, Shit,' Says Humanity
Haggar Physicists Develop 'Quantum Slacks'
Third-Grade Scientists Successfully Vaporize Water
Mad Scientist's Plot Thwarted By Budget Cuts
Celine Dion Secluded In Lab Developing New Perfume
Coke-Sponsored Rover Finds Evidence Of Dasani On Mars
Mischievous Raccoon Wreaks Havoc On International Space Station
John Glenn Installed In Smithsonian