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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

Patriots QB Tom Brady: Although the Patriots quarterback is better than you and everyone you know in every conceivable way, he's beginning to look like kind of a dandy fop with all those rings he loves so much.
Giants QB Eli Manning: The Giants quarterback may end up being considered greater than his brother, mostly thanks to how stupid people are. Has no idea how he won the Super Bowl that one time, or got laid that one time either.
Patriots WR Wes Welker: Welker prances around neatly out there, but often has that annoying look on his face where it's not all bloody and smashed in. Is the Super Bowl when Welker is finally broken in two like a popsicle stick?
Giants WR Victor Cruz: The receiver's big play ability means he's a threat to make Eli Manning look like he knows what the fuck he's doing at any minute. That "Ooo" sound? Actually, half the crowd is booing him at any given time.
Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski: Lots of football intelligence, though no intelligence for anything else, plus the hands of a wideout and the body of a huge wideout. Sometimes misses blocks when he's busy scoring a touchdown.
Giants RB Ahmad Bradshaw: This big running back is unparalleled in his ability to establish the disappearance of his team’s rushing game, but has yet to score a touchdown in games in which Giants score less than 6 points.
Patriots DT Vince Wilfork: Fun fact—Wilfork is the only defensive player left from the last Giant-Pats Super Bowl and also the only one who's any good. He's also just so rotten stinkin' cute! Damn it, screw the Patriots.
Giants DE Jason Pierre-Paul: The supremely talented defensive end has multiple swim moves and first names at his disposal, but will most likely soon be replaced by the next model of dominant Giants defensive end.
Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: The kind and benevolent Patriots coach is beloved by all who meet him, and all America is rooting for him to win this one. His only flaw may be letting his work get in the way of finding true love.
Giants Coach Tom Coughlin: Video evidence confirms this elderly man was on the sidelines for all of the Giants' recent wins, and a check with the front office indicates he claims he once coached something called the "Jacksonville Jaguars."

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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