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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

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Patriots QB Tom Brady: Although the Patriots quarterback is better than you and everyone you know in every conceivable way, he's beginning to look like kind of a dandy fop with all those rings he loves so much.
Giants QB Eli Manning: The Giants quarterback may end up being considered greater than his brother, mostly thanks to how stupid people are. Has no idea how he won the Super Bowl that one time, or got laid that one time either.
Patriots WR Wes Welker: Welker prances around neatly out there, but often has that annoying look on his face where it's not all bloody and smashed in. Is the Super Bowl when Welker is finally broken in two like a popsicle stick?
Giants WR Victor Cruz: The receiver's big play ability means he's a threat to make Eli Manning look like he knows what the fuck he's doing at any minute. That "Ooo" sound? Actually, half the crowd is booing him at any given time.
Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski: Lots of football intelligence, though no intelligence for anything else, plus the hands of a wideout and the body of a huge wideout. Sometimes misses blocks when he's busy scoring a touchdown.
Giants RB Ahmad Bradshaw: This big running back is unparalleled in his ability to establish the disappearance of his team’s rushing game, but has yet to score a touchdown in games in which Giants score less than 6 points.
Patriots DT Vince Wilfork: Fun fact—Wilfork is the only defensive player left from the last Giant-Pats Super Bowl and also the only one who's any good. He's also just so rotten stinkin' cute! Damn it, screw the Patriots.
Giants DE Jason Pierre-Paul: The supremely talented defensive end has multiple swim moves and first names at his disposal, but will most likely soon be replaced by the next model of dominant Giants defensive end.
Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: The kind and benevolent Patriots coach is beloved by all who meet him, and all America is rooting for him to win this one. His only flaw may be letting his work get in the way of finding true love.
Giants Coach Tom Coughlin: Video evidence confirms this elderly man was on the sidelines for all of the Giants' recent wins, and a check with the front office indicates he claims he once coached something called the "Jacksonville Jaguars."

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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