Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

Top Headlines


Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Carson Wentz

After being selected second overall in the 2016 NFL Draft, Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Carson Wentz opened the season with a nearly flawless performance in a victory over the Cleveland Browns. Is he any good?

Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

Strongside/Weakside: Dak Prescott

Having assumed the role after Tony Romo’s injury during the preseason, Dak Prescott is expected to open the NFL regular season as the first rookie quarterback to start for the Dallas Cowboys since 2004. Is he any good?

Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.
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Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

Patriots QB Tom Brady: Although the Patriots quarterback is better than you and everyone you know in every conceivable way, he's beginning to look like kind of a dandy fop with all those rings he loves so much.
Giants QB Eli Manning: The Giants quarterback may end up being considered greater than his brother, mostly thanks to how stupid people are. Has no idea how he won the Super Bowl that one time, or got laid that one time either.
Patriots WR Wes Welker: Welker prances around neatly out there, but often has that annoying look on his face where it's not all bloody and smashed in. Is the Super Bowl when Welker is finally broken in two like a popsicle stick?
Giants WR Victor Cruz: The receiver's big play ability means he's a threat to make Eli Manning look like he knows what the fuck he's doing at any minute. That "Ooo" sound? Actually, half the crowd is booing him at any given time.
Patriots TE Rob Gronkowski: Lots of football intelligence, though no intelligence for anything else, plus the hands of a wideout and the body of a huge wideout. Sometimes misses blocks when he's busy scoring a touchdown.
Giants RB Ahmad Bradshaw: This big running back is unparalleled in his ability to establish the disappearance of his team’s rushing game, but has yet to score a touchdown in games in which Giants score less than 6 points.
Patriots DT Vince Wilfork: Fun fact—Wilfork is the only defensive player left from the last Giant-Pats Super Bowl and also the only one who's any good. He's also just so rotten stinkin' cute! Damn it, screw the Patriots.
Giants DE Jason Pierre-Paul: The supremely talented defensive end has multiple swim moves and first names at his disposal, but will most likely soon be replaced by the next model of dominant Giants defensive end.
Patriots Coach Bill Belichick: The kind and benevolent Patriots coach is beloved by all who meet him, and all America is rooting for him to win this one. His only flaw may be letting his work get in the way of finding true love.
Giants Coach Tom Coughlin: Video evidence confirms this elderly man was on the sidelines for all of the Giants' recent wins, and a check with the front office indicates he claims he once coached something called the "Jacksonville Jaguars."


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