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A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.
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The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs

July 20, 1991, Newton, MA: Attendees called Daniel Guterman’s ceremony “just plain embarrassing” for his entire family and “a colossal waste of time.”
Jan. 23, 1993, Binghamton, NY: During the Hagbah ceremony, Uncle Howard strained a muscle in his back while attempting to hoist the 40-pound Torah and had to be helped to his seat by Aunt Sharon. Guests agreed it was all downhill from there.
June 10, 1961, Santa Rosa, CA: Bar mitzvah attendees reported that Ruben Brosbe’s voice cracked midway through his Haftarah recital, after which his tallis slipped off and dragged on the ground as he was descending the bimah, producing audible groans throughout the congregation.
Dec. 7, 2002, Tel Aviv, Israel: At the beginning of the ceremony, Rabbi Avraham Karelitz reportedly coughed right into the microphone, causing an eruption of feedback from which the bar mitzvah never recovered.
Sept. 19, 1987, Van Nuys, CA: Reception guests were roundly disappointed at the poorly conceived baseball theme at Nathaniel Birnbaum’s bar mitzvah party, which included a cardboard cutout of Dodgers catcher Mike Scioscia instead of fan favorite Steve Sax.
Mar. 25, 1995, Stamford, CT: Aaron Wechsler fucked up the V’ahavta big time, and couldn’t pull it together for the Avot and Gevurot.
Apr. 8, 2006, Havertown, PA: Guests at Jacob Sherman’s bar mitzvah said they had seen better chair dances from a porpoise.
Feb. 14, 1981, Los Angeles: While attending his nephew’s bar mitzvah, TV legend Alan Alda reportedly suffered a severe bout of indigestion midway through the ceremony, forcing him to leave early.
Feb. 7, 2004, Brooklyn, NY: Hebrew scholars agree that 13-year-old Jordan Kupner couldn’t possibly recover from a mid-aliyah power outage at the Congregation Beth Elohim synagogue.
Nov. 6, 2010, Kingston, NY: Young brick Michael Kagan evidently had not practiced his Hebrew and stumbled through the entirety of his Torah reading, much to the shame of the deeply devout Kagan family.

More from this section

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

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