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Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs

July 20, 1991, Newton, MA: Attendees called Daniel Guterman’s ceremony “just plain embarrassing” for his entire family and “a colossal waste of time.”
Jan. 23, 1993, Binghamton, NY: During the Hagbah ceremony, Uncle Howard strained a muscle in his back while attempting to hoist the 40-pound Torah and had to be helped to his seat by Aunt Sharon. Guests agreed it was all downhill from there.
June 10, 1961, Santa Rosa, CA: Bar mitzvah attendees reported that Ruben Brosbe’s voice cracked midway through his Haftarah recital, after which his tallis slipped off and dragged on the ground as he was descending the bimah, producing audible groans throughout the congregation.
Dec. 7, 2002, Tel Aviv, Israel: At the beginning of the ceremony, Rabbi Avraham Karelitz reportedly coughed right into the microphone, causing an eruption of feedback from which the bar mitzvah never recovered.
Sept. 19, 1987, Van Nuys, CA: Reception guests were roundly disappointed at the poorly conceived baseball theme at Nathaniel Birnbaum’s bar mitzvah party, which included a cardboard cutout of Dodgers catcher Mike Scioscia instead of fan favorite Steve Sax.
Mar. 25, 1995, Stamford, CT: Aaron Wechsler fucked up the V’ahavta big time, and couldn’t pull it together for the Avot and Gevurot.
Apr. 8, 2006, Havertown, PA: Guests at Jacob Sherman’s bar mitzvah said they had seen better chair dances from a porpoise.
Feb. 14, 1981, Los Angeles: While attending his nephew’s bar mitzvah, TV legend Alan Alda reportedly suffered a severe bout of indigestion midway through the ceremony, forcing him to leave early.
Feb. 7, 2004, Brooklyn, NY: Hebrew scholars agree that 13-year-old Jordan Kupner couldn’t possibly recover from a mid-aliyah power outage at the Congregation Beth Elohim synagogue.
Nov. 6, 2010, Kingston, NY: Young brick Michael Kagan evidently had not practiced his Hebrew and stumbled through the entirety of his Torah reading, much to the shame of the deeply devout Kagan family.

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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

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