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Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.
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The 6 Best Companies To Work For

Google


With locations on billions of computers, Google is by far the largest chain of search engines in the world. Each Google franchise owner benefits from an association with the technology company’s widely known brand name, but also enjoys some flexibility in terms of day-to-day management of their information-retrieval algorithms. The most successful Google owners can own franchises on a dozen or more web browsers.

Goldman Sachs


Though employees at Goldman Sachs work long, demanding hours, they are able to enjoy the unique luxury of having a dedicated 535-person team of U.S. congressmen working around the clock to cater to their every need. Between easing annoying filing requirements, offering discounted tax rates to the company and its highest-earning employees, or just reminding personnel they can do whatever they set their minds to, this army of legislators and federal financial regulators is always available to give Goldman Sachs bankers a pat on the back and help them do what they do best.

Hilton Hotels & Resorts


Employees of this international hotel chain enjoy numerous job perks, but none is more appealing than the privilege of being allowed to enter guests’ rooms after they leave for the day and put on whatever clothes they please. Using their special employees-only room keys, all Hilton staffers—from bellhops to hotel managers—are allowed to slip into any garments that guests have in their luggage, often wearing them around the premises as they continue their work, before returning later in the day and carefully putting them back exactly as they found them.

Grounds For Thought Café


At this independent café in Lawrence, KS, employees get to feel the unbelievable rush of power that comes with being the sole distributor of Wi-Fi passwords. While they typically earn no more than $10 an hour and do not receive comprehensive benefits, workers experience a thrilling adrenaline high dozens of times per day by serving as the all-powerful gatekeepers of the café’s “CoffeeBean” wireless network, unleashing an intoxicating flood of endorphins through their body every time they give a knowing half-smile and, in an ever so slightly lowered voice, bestow their godlike knowledge on another patron.

USAA Insurance


Whereas many companies enact strict policies against coworker relationships, executives at USAA Insurance have worked hard to cultivate a boundaryless zone of free love and rampant sexual experimentation within the office. The 92-year-old company, which offers comprehensive home, life, and auto insurance, eschews common guidelines against workplace romance by actively encouraging agents, managers, support staff, and interns to sate their most primal carnal desires wherever they please on USAA’s San Antonio corporate campus or at any of its hundreds of local offices nationwide.

S.K.U.L.L. Corp.


Located in a vast, heavily guarded complex and overseen by a shadowy CEO known only as “S,” this secretive conglomerate, which specializes in munitions, advanced robotics, private mercenary services, and biochemical agents, lets its employees bring their dogs to the office. As they develop experimental neurally disruptive pharmaceuticals and work toward acquiring controlling stakes in all the world’s water processing plants, workers are given the option of having their pet sit beside their desk or dropping it off at S.K.U.L.L. Corp.’s Pooch Pals dog-sitting service. S.K.U.L.L. employees also have access to a sprawling dog park at company headquarters, complimentary full-body radiation suits for the implementation of Global Phase 2, and free Milk-Bones in each floor’s Doggy Den.
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