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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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The 8 Worst-Dressed At The Papal Conclave

We love that Cardinal Ranjith took a chance on this look, but the execution is a major fail. The cape needs to be hemmed, the cross is dangling all over the place, and that boxy floor-length robe isn’t doing his figure any favors.
Cardinal Martinez’s stylists must have taken the day off, because it’s unusual for this holy fashion maven to make a faux pas. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: Busy embroidery is conclave kryptonite!
Is this a sacramental vestment or an old bedspread? We can’t tell.
Liturgical vestment, embossed stole, AND headdress? Overkill. Always best to keep it simple at the conclave.
Someone needs to tell Cardinal Scherer he’s not in his 20s anymore. These vestments scream rising cardinal, not esteemed clergyman.
Red before Easter? Better luck next time, Cardinal Schonborn.
Paging 1995!
The homage to Cardinal Niccolo Fieschi is cute, but the volume on this frock just isn’t working for Cardinal Onaiyekan, who should really stick to the slimming, streamlined ensembles he’s known for.
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