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‘Star Wars’ Turns 40

When George Lucas’ Star Wars premiered in 1977, the movie quickly became a phenomenon. On its 40th anniversary, The Onion looks back on the franchise’s defining moments:

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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The 8 Worst-Dressed At The Papal Conclave

We love that Cardinal Ranjith took a chance on this look, but the execution is a major fail. The cape needs to be hemmed, the cross is dangling all over the place, and that boxy floor-length robe isn’t doing his figure any favors.
Cardinal Martinez’s stylists must have taken the day off, because it’s unusual for this holy fashion maven to make a faux pas. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: Busy embroidery is conclave kryptonite!
Is this a sacramental vestment or an old bedspread? We can’t tell.
Liturgical vestment, embossed stole, AND headdress? Overkill. Always best to keep it simple at the conclave.
Someone needs to tell Cardinal Scherer he’s not in his 20s anymore. These vestments scream rising cardinal, not esteemed clergyman.
Red before Easter? Better luck next time, Cardinal Schonborn.
Paging 1995!
The homage to Cardinal Niccolo Fieschi is cute, but the volume on this frock just isn’t working for Cardinal Onaiyekan, who should really stick to the slimming, streamlined ensembles he’s known for.

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