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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
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The Bush Administration

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch
Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations
Bush Earmarks 1.5 Billion Gold Stars For Education
Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal
Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal
Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War
Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans'-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony
U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth
Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend
Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass Of Water While Bush Speaks
Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It
Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It
Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President
Bush Arrives At Debate Wearing Flight Suit

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