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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

Bill Clinton Resting Up To Sit Upright At Next Debate

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Stating that the former commander-in-chief had his sights squarely set on next Sunday, spokespeople for the Hillary for America campaign informed reporters Wednesday that Bill Clinton is currently resting up in preparation for another evening of sitting upright at the next presidential debate.

Cyclist Clearly Loves Signaling Turns

MILWAUKEE—Judging by the firm outward thrust of the woman’s arm and the length of times she held the gestures, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that a local bicycle rider clearly loves signaling turns.

Fact-Checking The First Presidential Debate

Addressing issues ranging from national security to trade to their personal controversies, Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump squared off in the first presidential debate Monday. The Onion takes a look at the validity of their bolder claims:

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.
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The Bush Administration

Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch
Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations
Bush Earmarks 1.5 Billion Gold Stars For Education
Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal
Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal
Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War
Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans'-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony
U.S. Government To Discontinue Long-Term, Low-Yield Investment In Nation's Youth
Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend
Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass Of Water While Bush Speaks
Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It
Bush Finally Gets Oval Office Just The Way He Wants It
Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President
Bush Arrives At Debate Wearing Flight Suit

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