adBlockCheck

Recent News

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
End Of Section
  • More News

The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

Advertisement
You place your hand on your heart and sing with fervor whenever you hear the stirring opening line of the national anthem: “Around our flag we stand united / With one wish and one goal”
You’ll NEVER forget the names of the Founding Fathers, from Ismail Qemali, to Luigj Gurakuqi, to Dom Nikollë Kaçorri.
November 28 just isn’t Independence Day without family, fireworks, and a big plate of tavë kosi.
You KNOW never to get on the Adriatic–Ionian motorway past 4 p.m.
You are proud to live in the home of the last remaining Balkan lynx.
You perform the dance of Osman Taka every year to commemorate the legendary Cham Albanian leader’s stay of execution under Ottoman imprisonment, when he performed this dance so beautifully that he warmed his captors’ hearts.
You’re totally sick of the Kejsi Tola song “S’jemi më atje.”
You know that it isn’t summer without Lake Skadar. Fun-filled July weekends on this Ramsar-listed wetland of international importance are about as synonymous with the summer season as Pogonishte dancing and walnut cake.
You salute the ol’ red and black wherever you see it flying. These colors don’t run.
No matter whom you voted for, you support your president. Especially if it’s President Bujar Nishani, kicking ass and transitioning the Albanian economy to a free market model since July 2012.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close