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The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.
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The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

You place your hand on your heart and sing with fervor whenever you hear the stirring opening line of the national anthem: “Around our flag we stand united / With one wish and one goal”
You’ll NEVER forget the names of the Founding Fathers, from Ismail Qemali, to Luigj Gurakuqi, to Dom Nikollë Kaçorri.
November 28 just isn’t Independence Day without family, fireworks, and a big plate of tavë kosi.
You KNOW never to get on the Adriatic–Ionian motorway past 4 p.m.
You are proud to live in the home of the last remaining Balkan lynx.
You perform the dance of Osman Taka every year to commemorate the legendary Cham Albanian leader’s stay of execution under Ottoman imprisonment, when he performed this dance so beautifully that he warmed his captors’ hearts.
You’re totally sick of the Kejsi Tola song “S’jemi më atje.”
You know that it isn’t summer without Lake Skadar. Fun-filled July weekends on this Ramsar-listed wetland of international importance are about as synonymous with the summer season as Pogonishte dancing and walnut cake.
You salute the ol’ red and black wherever you see it flying. These colors don’t run.
No matter whom you voted for, you support your president. Especially if it’s President Bujar Nishani, kicking ass and transitioning the Albanian economy to a free market model since July 2012.

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